Did that really just happen to me?

So to say I had an interesting weekend - namely Saturday - I think might be an understatement! Our friend Brett was in town and he is one of those guys who is a fabulous friend. He is from Tennessee and oozes Southern Charm. Something that I believe is severely lacking in Oklahoma, really everywhere these days. Jax and I met him out Friday and had a good time. There was no drama whatsoever.

Let me roll on to Saturday. We went to a sports bar in town and when I got there at 7pm, 90% of the bar was intoxicated. Now, you ALL know that unless you are drunk with these people, it is never a fun situation to walk into. Therefore, the only thing I could do was grin and bear it - and have a few cape cods.

Now, I talk about how I am an introvert all the time on this blog, but Saturday night I turned into an extrovert. I have tattoos (four to be exact). Three of my tattoos are small and one is large around my ankle. As my mother is reading this, she is trying to figure out in her head 1) where did she go wrong and 2) how much does it cost to remove those white trash things. Well, our waitress had an awesome tattoo and I asked her where she got it. We talked, she gave me a business card for the guy that did it and that conversation was done.

As the night progressed on, we moved tables and got a new waitress that was covered in tattoos, covered in them! I asked her if the ones on her neck hurt and she said yes. I told her the same about the one on my ankle. "Worse than child birth" was my exact answer. As we are talking, she starts to talk closer. That's ok, I guess because the bar was crowded. She then proceeds to ask my name and shakes my hand - just like a guy would if he was going to ask you out. I found it weird, but not that weird. Then after she leaves, Brett was all "Umm, you know she was hitting on you right?" And I'm all "Well not exactly?" He rolls his eyes, laughs hysterically and we move on to the next bar to meet up with some of his friends.

We get to this bar and I am sitting at a table carrying on a conversation with an attorney's wife. She is super nice - well that was until she asked me to go back to the hot tub with her and her HUSBAND? WTF is happening here? Then Brett proceeds to say, "I had no idea these people were swingers!" That probably would have been a good thing to know before I was being friendly to them.

People, do you see what happens when I come out of my introverted shell? I get hit on not once, but twice by chicks! Note to self: Being an introvert works best in ALL situations.

Traditions

When I was a little girl, one of the things I looked forward to most in the year was decorating our Christmas tree. We lived in a big 2 story house with vaulted ceilings. So every year we got a HUGE tree. And people, I mean HUGE TREE. It was at least 20 feet tall and just as wide at the bottom.

It was such an ordeal each year because my Dad and brother would go out to get the tree, it would be tied up so they could drag it through the front door and the house would be covered in pine needles before it was even on the stand. This drove my mother crazy and I can remember her feverishly vacuuming those pine needles up - over and over again.

When the tree finally was in the upright and out position on the stand, it was time to decorate. It took forever to decorate that tree, but when we were done, it was all worth it. In fact, we were in the local newspaper several times because of how awesome the tree was. Now to some of you, that may seem lame - but when you are 6-yrs-old, that is pretty freaking cool! I remember when we took that picture in front of the tree. It was me and my brother with our two dogs and because the newspaper was obviously black and white, you could hardly see our dog Harry in the picture because he was gray.

When my parents got a divorce when I was 8, my Mom did a wonderful job at keeping those traditions alive for us. In fact, the first Christmas that they were divorced, my Dad came over to watch us open our presents and see our Santa gifts. As a kid, you do not realize how special that really is. All you know is there's a butt load of presents with your name on them and you CAN'T wait to tear into them all.

Since Mark and I split, I have tried really hard at keeping things normal for Piper. I would be lying if I said that I have been doing a great job every day. In fact, I think I fall short quite often, but the main thing is, I am trying and that is all I can do really.

Piper and I decorated our Christmas tree last night and we had a great time - well that was until she kept dropping the balls on the wood floor and they would shatter into a MILLION LITTLE PIECES. By ball three, Momma came close to losing it. Think gritting teeth and saying "Piper" through those teeth. But the point is, I started that tradition with her her very first Christmas - granted the first and second Christmas she could not do a whole lot. But this year she took to it like a duck to water and she was so proud of herself for decorating it. And the most important part, I was yet again so proud to be her Mom.

Holiday Ackwardness

There are two very different sides of my family. There is my step dad's side of the family that consists of lawyers and bankers, then there is my father's side that consists of blue collar workers. Each side I would not trade for the world - well for the most part.

Piper and I spent Thanksgiving day in Lawrence, Kansas (GO HAWKS!) at my step dad's sister's house. Now God bless them, but they are stuffy for the most part. For dinner you have to come dressed in your Sunday best and be on your "A" game at all times. There are a few people, namely my mother and cousins, that buck the system and try to cause trouble every chance they get. That always makes for good times.

For example, we had to go around the kitchen and tell everyone what we are thankful for. Now, for those of you that do not know me, I am borderline introvert, so these types of things drive me crazy. I stew and stew over simply saying "I am thankful for my beautiful daughter, Piper." No idea why, but I am just getting more introverted as I get older.

My mother said she was thankful for her family, but later told me she wanted to say she was thankful that Easter was cancelled and we only had to do 2 Holidays this year with this side of the family. Nice! And you people wonder where I get it from.

Anyway, this was the first holiday without Mark and it was awkward. When we were taking pictures, I stood off to the side with no husband. Now that did not bother me so much. It was the "How are you doing?" "Is Piper adjusting well?" questions that about set me over the edge. I know people care or they would not ask, but sometimes people, it's just better to leave well enough alone. You know? And then when I say that we now get along better than we ever did married, the look of confusion on their faces is staggering! Yes, I get along with my ex - it has been a long road to hoe, but we get along perfect!

I actually spent some of the weekend with him because he had not seen Piper for a while and she wanted to stay with both of us. It was nice, we laughed and had a good time. Please note: We are not getting back together, we share a daughter whom we love dearly. The. End.

So the holiday weekend is over and all in all, I survived. Now if I can get through Christmas - that may be a miracle. Why is it that 3-year-olds find it necessary to say they want EVERY SINGLE THING that is on TV? If I tell Piper one more time "just wait for Christmas" - I may have to self medicate.

Nearing the End

It's funny because when I started this blog I had so much to say - because of my situation at the time. Now as we are approaching the end of the "Divorce" my life has slowed down a ton and you know what, I am definitely ok with that!! But I feel like I do not have much "dish" to spill. I promise, I will try harder.

The only step I have left to do is attend a divorce planning thing that is MANDATORY when you have a minor child. It is 4 hours long and from what Mark told me, completely awful. I get the whole premise behind it, but really? Do I need to be told that I should never say bad things about my spouse - from an unknowing third party- to my daughter? Do I need to know ALL the statistics of what happens to a child of divorce? Nope, I do not. Thinking about that is enough to depress anybody.

My hope is that Piper will come out unscathed from all of this. I am a child of divorce and it was the best thing that happened to me and my family. There's just something about having a happy Mom and Dad in your life - even if it is on separate terms. And I may be biased, ok I am biased, but I think having a happy Mom is the most important factor. I am really happy with my life right now - I am comfortable with who I am and I think that shows through to Piper on a daily basis. I very much still love being a Mom - that is a "job" I will never get tired of. And who knows, maybe one day I will have another one - the possibilities are endless!

On a completely random note, I went to a Mary Kay party with Jax a few weeks ago and then hosted a party for the Mary Kay gal. Now, NOW, she will not leave me alone. She talks about how this is a great opportunity, especially going through a divorce and needing extra money, blah, blah, blah....Umm, lady I do not want to do it. I am not a salesperson. I like your product, now leave me be. Why am I so nice that I just can't say NO? Lord!! Any ideas of how to politely say "no, thanks?"

"And that's how we roll..."

The weekend with the fam was exactly like I knew and hoped it would be. We had a great time and I think laughed the entire time we were there. Of course, my brother had to pull up my blog so my Aunt Jackie could read the post about her. At first I think she was offended, but as the weekend progressed and she realized that she really is a grouchy ol' woman - it made for good times! Really I think what made her the nicest was when she found out that Mark and I were splitsville. Funny, because that was the part I found the most humerous!

And she obviously did not feel that sorry for me because she still called me a bitch - at least three times an HOUR!

At one point in the weekend, I slipped and said "That's how I roll!" I got so much crap for this that it became the phrase of the weekend. I think it started when I told my Mom that she needed to get surgery on her eye lids. She thought I was being rude, I thought I was simply being polite. She said "Michele Renee, you little b i t c h!"

Now let me explain, my Mom is a beautiful lady. There was one time that we had a conversation about plastic surgery and she said that IF in fact she got plastic surgery it would be on her eyes to remove the excess skin on her lids. I asked her this weekend if she was still considering this. Much to my amazement she forgot about that conversation and thought I was putting her down. So for the rest of the weekend when we would talk to each other, she would raise her eyebrows and talk like she was a mummy. Good times people, good times.

We went to a Branson show on Saturday - the Chinese acrobats. Piper and I were going to leave at intermission, but that little girl liked the show SO much that we stayed until the bitter end. She was absolutely amazed with it all. We started off with popcorn, that she proceeded to spill all over the floor. Think popcorn...flying through the air...landing on the guy behind us...him giving me a what the ??? face...yup, I was that Mom.

After Piper got adjusted, the show started - her little mouth was open in amazement the whole show. After the break she decided to sit on my cousin Terrie's lap. Now 99% of the show plays loud music, but there is one part where it is dead silent (pin drop silent) as the guy puts two swords to his neck and pushes on them to bend them. 5 seconds into the silence, Piper being 4 people away from me, she yells "Momma, what is he going to do?" I look at her and put my finger to my mouth to say, "Shhhh, Piper Sams!" She is oblivious and says it yet again, only louder this time. "Momma, what is he going to dooooooo!!!" People laugh, my Mom says this is exactly what she prayed for all her life as payback for me and I slink down in the chair.

Halloween was good as well. Piper did the same thing she did last year. She was shy the first few houses, than a rock star at the rest of them. Next year she wants to be a witch, a cat and a dog. Not sure why or how we're going to pull that off!

Here is her outfit. Sorry, I had to "funk" it up with the hot pink converse. Princess shoes are so last season! :o)

Four Generations Collide - Heaven Help Us All

Last year when Piper was two, we took her trick or treating for the first time around our neighborhood. She was a princess, of course - aren't all little girls that? We explained to her that we were going to go knock on doors and say "Trick or Treat" and then people would give us CANDY! Now my daughter is a VERY smart girl, too smart for her own good, but she just could not process that people were going to give her candy.

So we went to the first door. She buried her head into the crease of my neck and would not say a word. So, I grabbed the candy, apologized and said "Thank you, this is her first Halloween." We went to two more houses and she did the same thing. When I was ready to throw in the towel, she surprised the crap out of me, got down and rang the doorbell. When the person answered the door, she yelled "Trick or Treat!" The really funny thing about it was when we would go to other houses and she would just see the door (it was not even open yet) she would yell "Trick or Treat!"

This year Piper is going to be a princess yet again. This theory makes me sick to my stomach - I am not a frilly girl, never have been, never will be. I prefer jeans and pants to dresses and skirts.
My mother will say to me ALL THE TIME, "But Michele, you have such nice legs! I gave you those legs! You need to show them off more!" My response to my loving mother is "You also gave me these boobs and hips. Do you want me to show those off too?" Why that woman does not find the humor in that, I will never know. BUT I do thank her often for my skinny ankles!

Thanks Mom! You're the best!

My parents have a condo in Branson, so Piper and I are headed there today. We are going to trick or treat around that area. There are houses there that, God willing, will have candy. And if those said houses do not have candy, Papa Ken better come up with a good back-up plan. You got that Kenny?

My Aunt Jackie and Uncle Whitey will be there, along with my cousin and her husband. I love these people. I love them for the obvious reasons - because they are family - but I love them more because they are mean, hateful and remind me of why I am apart of this family. My Aunt Jackie is my Mom's older sister. And I do not think there has been a family event where she has not called me a bitch. Who does that? My Aunt Jackie! If you were to look in the dictionary and look up the phrase "Doesn't give a shit" my Aunt Jackie's face would be right beside it. She is by nature a fun, but grouchy ol' woman - my Mom is fun, but a grouchy woman - I am hilarious (at least I would like to think so), but at times can be grouchy - and my beautiful three-year-old is funny and part of it is because she is a grouchy little girl at times.

We come from a long generation of grouches, it's who we are and I would not want to be any other way then this. I also think Piper will be just as content with this - after all, her favorite story for me to tell her at night is the one my Mom told her several weeks ago - "The grouchy girls' story". Thanks, Mom, for telling her that one. Now I have to tell it EVERY night!!

Happy Halloween people!

She may be turning sweet again...

I feel like it has been forever since I talked about Ms. Piper. Does that make me a bad Mom? I sure hope not!

This weekend I went out of town because it was Mark's turn to take care of Piper. I still do not like the weekends without my baby, but I am getting used to the fact that this is how life is right now. Each weekend without her is getting slightly easier than the last. I will never like it, but it is what it is and I am doing things for me - something I have not done in a long time. And my weekend was a blast! Yay!!

When I got back in town, Mark dropped Piper off to me. The door was locked, so I heard the constant ringing of the bell - knowing it was my silly 3-year-old. I opened the door and she was so freaking excited to see me. She gave me a big hug and looked at her Daddy like she was so proud to be with me.

Now to some of you this might not seem like a big deal, but IT IS because you have never met the little girl that is Piper. She is MUCH like her mother and only hugs and kisses when she wants to do it. You do not force her to do anything. It drives my stepmother crazy - but for my Mom and Dad, they understand fully because that's exactly how I was when I was growing up (and still to this day). She has many of these traits from me - I just do NOT want her to get my genes and get big boobs. She already has a bubble butt! A bubble butt and big boobs is NOT a good thing. It makes me want to commit myself to a home as I type this.

So, yesterday we went to the park and played because it was so nice. As we were playing in the ship at the playground, Piper said "Momma, you are so nice! You are not grouchy at all, I like that Momma!" Who says that? My silly daughter does. Then we got home and watched the Backyardigans and went to bed. As I was walking to the bathroom to get the Vick's for her chest, she said "Momma, I like your hair, and your face, and your clothes and your legs. When I'm a big girl, can I wear your clothes? And I like your shoes! Can I wear your shoes?!" I told her of course she could - but in my mind I was thinking, kid if you like my clothes when you are older either I am dressing WAY too young for my age or Piper has no taste at all. LOL! Either way, I was still flattered.

And you know that no day can go left without me throwing in something that brings my reality of a sweet daughter crashing to the ground. After she was sweet (when we were playing on the ship) she proceeded to say to me "Momma, shut your mouth." She did not say it mean, just very matter of fact. I asked her where she heard that from, praying it was NOT from me, and she said Daddy. "Daddy says that to bubba when he talks all the time!"

So last night, Daddy got a lesson on "using his words" in front of my sweet, sweet Piper.

I hope everyone's weekend went well! Poor Jax is still so sore, so I'm taking her to dinner tonight - if she is up for it!

I'm just as bad

Last week I told Joy that she needed to blog because it had been a week. And looky here...its been a week for me as well. So sorry, Joy, for yelling at you!

Today it is rainy and cold. I want to sleep, but I am choosing to have my second caffeine fix instead. The time is 10:44 a.m. - not a good sign of willpower on my part. Oh well!

So a funny thing happened on my way to getting a divorce. I told you all before that I was going to give Mark the papers instead of him being served. You know, because sometimes I can be a nice person! My lawyer messed up and sent them to my home address instead of work. And because I just moved, the mail people will not put anything that will not fit in my mailbox on the front door. I understand why, but it is such a pain in the ass to go to the post office to get it. Not because it is a far drive, but because the post office is full of incompetent people - at least where I live.

So, I took my happy ass to the post office and stood in line forever - well it was 5 minutes, but that seems like forever to me. I get to the desk and said I needed to pick up a package that was unable to fit in my mailbox. The lady goes back to the holding area and comes back 10 minutes later with no package in site. She explains that she is new there and it may be some place back there that she is unaware of? Ok, whatever, just get me my damn package.

So she gets another lady to look and to no avail the package is still not located. Then as the second woman comes up to the desk area, it dawns on her and she says the following. "What is your zip code again?" And I tell her. She then proceeds to say - and people I could NOT make this crap up if I tried - "Oh hun, your mailman died unexpectedly and some of the mail has been lost. We are trying to sort it out, but it all just happened so fast - we're playing catch up!"

At this point I look around the post office because I'm positive I'm on candid camera and those film people are going to jump out at any minute. They did not jump out. In fact, the papers have still not been located. Now many people would say this may be somewhat of a sign that maybe divorce is not the best thing. And to those people I would lovingly say "Screw off!"

Don't read this if you have PMS

As if I needed another reason to love my step dad. He sent me this today. Please note: if you have any kind of heart, you will cry. So, if you do not want to cry today - DO NOT READ THIS! If you are stubborn and read it anyway, I warned you!!

Sweetheart,
Emotionally, what you are about to go through is as tough as it was to make the decision to ask for the divorce. You have and you will constantly second guess yourself. You must trust your instincts and it helps to journal like you are doing with your blog. Some days you will feel great about it and other days, you’ll wonder did I do the right thing and feel terribly guilty about doing this. These are all the feelings I went through with mine and if any of these emotions are familiar, it just says you are normal. Probably the most important thing I remember is having a network of several people to talk to. I found myself constantly talking about it and several times to total strangers who were very supportive. After I spilled my guts to one guy, I kind of came out of my “rant” and was completely embarrassed and he said don’t apologize for that. It’s normal. Just remember to be there for the next person that is going through what you went through. Just be there to listen.

Both your Mom and I have been there and are there for you to not judge, comment or advise. We can just listen because you are hurting and talking about it will help get the hurt out. You need to find that network and maybe your church will have that support group.
I can guarantee you that time will make it all better. But in the meantime, he’ll be mean because he is a man, his ego is crushed, you don’t need him and he knows it . He knows he blew it but is too proud to ever admit that to himself or to anyone else.

He is human. And so are you and as much as you would like for him to say “I’m sorry”, my bet is that you will never hear him say it. So, let it go, be sad that the life that you had hoped to spend together and share didn’t happen. Grieve, be mad, yell, scream, curse, and then let it go. You will know when you are ready to be done being sad, mad and disgusted. You’ll find there are so many other good things for you and Piper to look forward to and enjoy. But you must go through all these stages of anger and grief and finally acceptance before eventually you will get to healing so you can go on with your life. And you can be in all three of these stages at the same time. It’s really confusing but, Sweetie, you’ll survive and always remember we’re here. Unfortunately, this is one thing, we can’t help or do for you.

But when we say we feel your pain, we really have.

I love you and let me know when you need to “rant” or just talk with someone who loves you unconditionally.

~Your Wanna be Dad.

That's all folks

Before I start this post with the obvious, I need to say "hi" to my brother Matt. And he knows why I am saying hi to him too. Don't you Matthew Wayne!! Why do brothers feel that it is necessary to torture you through your adult years? I mean, can't we all just get along? Why can't we just share the macaroni and cheese? I offered to share the baked beans with you. It's not my fault you do not like them! And yes, I did eat two heaping bowls of homemade mac and cheese last night, just to piss you off. The end!

I met with the attorney this morning for all of 10 minutes and that cost me exactly $2000. Funny how this whole thing works. As I was reading the papers that show she will represent me, I read over one particular part where the retainer can never go below the $2000 mark. Am I retarded that I did not know this? I mean, I thought she got the retainer, used it til it was gone and then billed me if she needed more. NO. NO. NO. What this means is each time I see her or she does something for this divorce, I get a bill in the mail that says, "Hi, bend over, I need more of your money, the retainer you gave my firm means jack crap. Oh, and, by the way, have a nice friggin' day!"

We talked about the issues - which I already told you, there should be none? Hopefully people, fingers crossed. She also said that this could be done in 10 days, 10 days! What we have to do is sign a waiver (pending we agree) and bam, boom, it's through. I am never really this lucky, so I am not optimistic about the 10 days.

Oh, and by the way - I am still mad. I have not even talked to him for close to a week and still, I'm angry with him. Has not changed one bit. Not one.

Retainer

This Tuesday I met with an attorney to over the details of getting a divorce. I am blindly going into this and really scared to death. She talked to me about my options and asked what factors were there in the case that needed to be addressed. I thought for a minute - factors? Well, really there are no factors that should hinder this case. It should be pretty cut and dry, right? I told her Mark and I agree on most everything - except the fact that I want primary physical custody.

For those of you who do not know what that means, it just says her physical address lies with me. So, she goes to school in the same school district we live, not his. And really, that's it. Mark does not like this and I am not for sure why - but, oh well. It is one of the million things I no longer understand.

Her retainer is $2000 and she is the lowest I have found. And, really, I have talked to 4 attorneys so far. Plus, she is super nice and very relatable. I think if she was not my attorney, we would be friends.

So, now that this is going on, I am really sad. Not sad because of the divorce itself - because I know it is the best thing to do - but sad that I feel like the last 6 years of my life have been a big fat fake.

Within the last week and a half, I have heard some disturbing things about the person I spent 6 years of my life with. They both involve him sleeping with his co-workers. One person is on his team and another person is much younger than he is. Much younger. He is old enough to be her Dad. I gave him the benefit of the doubt with the first rumor, but the second one I am having trouble letting go. And, it's not because I care if he did, because you know what - he is going to sleep with other people and get in relationships in the future. It's the fact that I don't believe him and the fact that he puts himself in these situations in the first place. He helped her move out of her house. Then on top of that, he took her home after work because she did not have a ride. Does this raise a red flag to anybody else but me???

Mark has always been a friendly guy, but he has always not known when the friendliness should end. He says, "it's not in my nature to not be nice!" My response is this, why don't you save some of that friendliness for your wife and stop being such a cocky prick? I have told him many times he is going to get himself in trouble because of this and this is proof positive I was right.

I am mad - he says I am a roller-coaster and that I have been all my life. That to me is very hurtful, VERY hurtful. If being emotional about my marriage ending and me not being able to see my daughter every day makes me an emotional roller-coaster, than so be it - I AM! And if having the wool pulled out from under you and no longer knowing the person you laid in bed with for so long makes me emotional, again - I AM!

The attorney asked me if I wanted Mark to be served or if I wanted to give the papers to him. I said, "please let me give him the papers". I still want it to be this way. Even though I am very angry with him for everything, at the end of the day I can still lay my head on my pillow and know that I took the high road in all of this. I am not so sure he will ever be able to do that.

A lady I work with asked me if we were getting a divorce and I told her yes. She said to me, "Michele, the best thing that you can do is forgive him." She was not talking about forgiving him and getting back together, she was talking about forgiving him and moving on with my life. I am trying, it is one of the hardest things I've had to do. It's a daily battle that I feel sometimes I am losing.

Tulsa Zoo

Two weekends ago Piper and I went to the Tulsa Zoo. We had looked forward to this for a week and a half. Talked about the zoo all the time. "Momma, what animals will we see at the zoo?" "When do we get to go to that new store?" This is code for, I forget the name of the "zoo", please help me out here.

Two days before we went, wouldn't you know it, she got sick with a cold. She had not been sick forever. I do not even remember the last time as a matter of fact. So when she got up the day we were going to going, she had green stuff running out of her nose. Sorry if this is TMI for the "without children" readers, but for those of you with kids, you totally understand what I am saying.

I asked her if she wanted to go to the Zoo still or maybe we could go when she was feeling better. And if a three-year-old could cuss, it would have been something like this "WTF woman, I do not care if you carried me for nine + months and gained 23lbs, we are going to the f'ing Zoo whether you like it or not - so get your scrawny a$$ in the car! Oh, by the way, could you bring some tissue too, as well as some extra cash because I am getting ANOTHER stuffed animal."

Granted, she did not say that, but she wanted to. Needless to say, we went to the Zoo. It was hot and I was stupid and wore jeans. We saw the elephants, lions, tigers, polar bears, giraffes, zebras, etc...And you know what she enjoyed the most? The playground area. Ugh, the same playground area we have not 2 minutes from our house. Oh, and the merry-go-round. Is it just me, or does that thing make anyone else sick? We rode it twice and I had to convince myself I was not going to throw up - all while saying "Wow, this is so much fun!" That's what you do when you are a Mom, a.k.a. faking it.

Kinda like my Mom did when we played miniature golf. I LOVE miniature golf! Come to find out just a few years ago, she HATED playing it. I was just as devastated as the time I found out why they closed the bedroom door at night when I was younger. GROSS!!! Parents are NOT supposed to do that. Well, at least mine aren't!

Anyway, we went to the newest Zoo attraction called 'Feather Fest'. It is a big house full of parakeets. You pay $2 to get in and they give you a Popsicle stick with bird seed glued to it. When you walk in the bird house, the birds fly on your stick and eat the seed. It is the COOLEST thing. I think part of the reason I found it so neat is because Piper was a rock star in there. She had bird landing on her stick while she was walking and never jumped once. Me, I was scared to death at first - and, AND I got pooped on. Of course, she got the biggest kick out of that. Granted, it was pretty damn funny. But still - I got POOPED on!

So this leads me to my latest obsession - Parakeets. I want one. In fact, I want two - because then they would be companions. And I would have something to occupy my time when Piper is not there. Because you know what - I can't run all those hours that she is gone! Believe me, I have tried people!

Lesson Learned

Let me offer up this piece of advice. NEVER buy running shoes off the Internet. Never. Please, I beg you. I did research on the last pair of shoes I bought (the ones that magically suck) and thought I was going to fly in those babies. And if you are a runner, this goes against everything we are taught by the way. I spent a GOOD amount of money on them. That's what you are supposed to do. The more expensive they are the better you run. Right?

Yesterday at lunch Jax and I went to DSW shoes and I was hell bent on bucking the system and get cheap running shoes. And....I did. I spent $50, that's all. And the end result? I FREAKING LOVE THEM. Ran last night like normal. Could it be the fact that I tried them on instead of looking at their picture on my computer? NAH! Ok, yes, I admit it.

Momma is back, well, kinda. At least during my run last night I did not almost pass out 5 different times, nor did I laugh at myself in the mirror. That's progress people!

I am going to try these babies out at the Zoo Run. It's only a 10k. That will help me judge if I can do the Tulsa Run. I am hoping I can. I am willing myself to do that. Heaven help me!

And thank you to Kat for the wonderful advice she gave me. I can't run in my old shoes because I threw them away (holes in them), but I WILL do that with my next pair.

AND tomorrow is my birthday, get excited people! Someone needs to be.

I blame it on the shoes

So my training for the Tulsa Run sucks. I was successfully running five miles and working my way to six. I thought, you know what Michele, you are doing so good and the running shoes you have on your feet right now have holes on the side - go ahead and treat yourself to some brand new running shoes. Shoes that will make you skip straight from training through mile 6 all the way to 8. Just like that. Done, easy as pie.

So I got those magical shoes. And they magically suck. I have not run over 3 miles in two weeks. I can barely make it to 3 miles. They only reason I do is because there is a mirror in front of the tread mill and I laugh at myself, call myself names and will myself to that 3 mile mark. Yesterday for example I made it to 2 miles. Really? It was like I had never run before.

Maybe it is not the shoes, but I have to blame it on something, right? Could it be the fact that I am stressed? Or the fact that my soon to be ex-husband told me his kids feel rejected by me since I left? Really? REALLY? So....it's easier to blame it on the shoes. I think placing blame there is easier than living in the reality that is my life right now.

I have an appointment with an attorney this week to file for divorce. I am not going to kid myself into thinking that maybe one day he will change or become the man I fell in love with 6 years ago.

Pet Peeve

I am a women full of Pet Peeves - but my #1 Pet Peeve is when people make me feel stupid. I hate that feeling. It sucks. That is all.

So what if it's my birthday

I think when I was growing up - namely 16 through 30 year old - I looked forward to my birthday. Really, I thought the world should stop on September 27 and look at me, wish me Happy Birthday EVERY 5 minutes and then worship the ground I walked on. Yep, that was me. And, sadly, I did not think that was too much to ask.

What annoyed me growing up is I always wanted to be a different age than I was turning that year. When I was 16 I wanted to be 18 - so I could be a freshman in college. When I was 20 I wanted to be 21 for obvious reasons and so on. I always thought I would have a problem with 30, I mean 30 was SO OLD in my eyes. But really, 30 was great, one of the best birthdays I had. After all, I was married and had a beautiful baby. There was not a whole lot more I could ask for.

For those of you who are 30 or more, what is it about your 30's that make you mysteriously not care anymore? By "not caring" I mean, things that bothered you in your 20's suddenly seem so retarded when you are in your 30's. In my 20's I would never go out of the house without make-up or my hair done. I would never miss the gym. I would never miss a night out with my friends, nor a night to meet the man of my dreams - AT A BAR...end of story. I am also more comfortable with me. Granted I still have some body issues, but what woman does not!?

Please note: if someone puts a comment on this blog that says they do not have body issues, I will hunt you down.

Tonight I'm going to meet my friends at a Mexican restaurant for some drinks and lots of chips and salsa. I CAN'T WAIT! Most of my friends now are married and have kids close to Piper's age. And if they did not bring their kids, it just would not be the same. I love to see them. I especially love to see the guys interact with their kids. To see men turn to mush with their daughters is adorable.

I will be 32 on Saturday. I think 32 will treat me as well as 31 has. Granted, it was not the best year of my life, but I can tell you it was not the worst year either - by far.

What was your favorite age?

Locked

So, I guess some of you have noticed that my blog has been locked. It's because Mark found out about it from people at work that somehow found it. Who goes hunting for blogs? Therefore, I locked it to read through my posts and you know, they really were not that bad. They were honest and true to what I was feeling when I wrote them. And I still agree with them to this day.

Everything I wrote, I have said to Mark in some version or another. And yes, there are two sides to every story - but this is my blog and my version is the correct one. Dang it!

So here's where more honesty comes in. When I open this blog back up, I know that he will be given the address to read through everything that has been said. And I am ok with that. Will he agree with what I have said, I am sure he won't. Will he not talk to me for a while, maybe - but I doubt it.

So I will say here what I have wanted to say to him for a while, what I have tried to say but unfortunately I write better than I talk.

Mark, I know that it may not seem like it at all, but I still care deeply for you - but I no longer understand you. When we met, you were this easy going, and most of all, CARING man. You would do anything for anybody (namely me) and I loved that about you. When you told me that you did not know if you loved me nor wanted to be married to me - I was shocked. I still am very much shocked. I'm angry with you and have been for a long time. I can't get over that emotion and I do not know why. It drives me crazy. I left because I believe that I deserve better from you and you will never be able to give that to me because you do not think you need to change. You are the only person throughout our friends and family who does not see that.

You haven't cried or showed any kind of emotion about this whole thing. It's like you are thinking "well there goes marriage two down the drain, oh well."

I think what makes me the most mad is that I know inside you are a very good and caring person. And I see it from time to time still. I also know that you are not happy with yourself and what you have become. It's like you are trying to prove to everybody how different you are by getting your tattoos, shaving your arms, head and watching your UFC (I could go on and on) when the fact is you were great the way you were 6 years ago.

The only thing I am certain of right now is we share a beautiful and very smart 3-year-old. And I will forever love you because of that. I refuse to let my anger get the best of me and I refuse to not parent the best way I know how because we are no longer together. I do not know what the future holds for either one of us, but I do know that I wish you the best in whatever you do because you deserve that in your life.

And now my mother is throwing something across the room or maybe at the computer to make this post go away.

Could Not Be More Opposite

I have really only talked about my daughter, Mom and step dad on this blog. So I feel it is time to torture another one of my family members. I have an older brother Matt. He just turned 38 years old. He is married to Diane and has a son Jordan (my handsome nephew) from a previous marriage.

It took my Mom and Dad a while to get pregnant after they had Matthew. When my Mom finally did get pregnant 5 years later, my sweet, sweet brother prayed for me. He will deny this or say something like this - "I did not pray for you Michele and even if I did, I was young, dumb and take it all back!" I love my brother dearly. He is the nicest guy in the world, but he really sucks as a brother. I mean who pushes their own sister down the stairs, pulls her arm out of socket and keep her head under water until she is half comatose? That would be my brother Matthew.

When I was young, I was scared TO DEATH OF EVERYTHING! On Christmas Eve I would sneak into my brother's room and sleep in his bed because I was scared Santa was going to come into my room and stare at me or take me back to the North Pole with him. As if! Matt had this Incredible Hulk poster right next to his bed and if his little sister was going to torture him and sleep in his bed, her ass was sleeping by the Hulk poster. Can you believe the nerve of him? So, not only was I afraid of Santa, I was afraid The Hulk was going to jump out of the poster and eat me. It's a wonder I am still here today to blog about it, but blog about it I must.

Then when I was 8, I caught my brother smoking. He was 14 at the time. I opened the door to his room and he had the window cracked and had just took a drag. I was horrified and he was just happy as crap it was not my Mom that opened the door. So I did what any sister would do. I told my Mom on the way to church. And you would have thought that I was telling her Matt was going to die because MAN was she PISSED! I did not get much pleasure out of it. Oh hell, yes I did. Not for sure how long he was grounded but it was a long time.

Matt and I are complete opposites. He's a whole lot of country and I am a whole lot of anything but country (I do love country music though). He wears wife beaters IN PUBLIC and at the Fourth of July parties, smokes and likes to drink beer. I wear tank tops to run and even those are some what trendy. I would never smoke. I do drink beer every once in a while, but really hardly ever drink. All in all we do not have a whole lot in common besides matching DNA.

So here's the honest part. Matt really is the best brother in the world. When I say he pushed me down the stairs, we were actually playing tag as I was running up the stairs, he barely touched me and I lost my footing, then proceeded to fall down the stairs. When he pulled my arm out of socket, it was because he was trying to help me get on the bed and I was being a SHIT about it. But I swear to you, he did keep me under water too long!

If there was ever anything in the world that I needed, Matt would try his hardest to get it for me or atleast make it better until I got it. I can remember one fight in my entire life we got into and it was several years ago on Mother's Day. And even though I was so mad at him and vice versa - I was still so damn proud to call him my brother and still to this day am. I love you Matthew!

Making New Friends

So I have been thinking random thoughts lately. Why? The answer would be because I have more time on my hands. Well, at least Tuesday nights. That's when all my epiphanies come to me. Watch out, it's really scary at times.

Random thoughts:

1. This is my idea of the perfect husband and it is as simple as this: I want someone who is proud enough of me that he puts my framed picture on his office desk. And when his co-worker asks him who that is, the smile on his face will say it all. The end.
2. I think it is so easy for people to think they are happy when, in fact, they are not. When you feel the same emotion for so long, it's easy to confuse it for another emotion.
3. I am now addicted to watching dvd's - romance/comedy dvd rentals to be exact.
4. I think the people that blog and read each others web sites should all get together one weekend to meet face-to-face. I think you all are hilarious and I need new/exciting friends in my life!

That is all for now.

P.S. Jax just got flowers from her boyfriend. I'm jealous. She is happy. Happiness trumps jealousy. Yay, Jackie!!

Because I Think I Can

When I moved to Michigan to live in the same city as my boyfriend Seth, I was absolutely worthless - meaning I could have easily found a job but had no motivation to work. My rationalization was I had just completed 4 years of college, worked throughout college as a waitress and deserved a few months off. Really?

Did you know that in three months you can rack up thousands of dollars on your credit card for no reason whatsoever? Yup, that was me and I still kick myself to this day about that.

The one motivation I did have was training for a marathon. What better thing is there to do when you have 24 hours a day to do absolutely nothing? I was going to run the Las Vegas marathon because it was flat, the weather is always fairly nice and it WAS VEGAS BABY!

I joined a gym and had a personal trainer that kicked my butt on a daily basis. I hated that man for the things he had me do in the gym - all the running, who really needs ALL THAT RUNNING? I got to where I could do a long run on the weekends (the weekdays were my sprints). I was so proud of myself for running 10-12 miles. And then it hit me - well I actually was not hit, but it felt like I was. I got a hip pointer. Don't know what that is? Let me explain. It's where the gluteus maxi mus muscle meets the gluteus mini mus and they rub together. They are supposed to lay on top of each other but mine where butted up together. I saw the Dr. and he told me to not run for a couple months. HOLY CRAP! That was too long. I did not take his advise and hurt myself more. Go figure I graduated from KU and he graduated from Harvard. I guess that means he trumps me - many times over.

So running for me now is a fun thing, not a must do thing. It relieves stress and makes me feel overall really good. It also helps with my ulcers - don't ask me how, just trust me on this one, it does. And for the first time since I moved back from Michigan, I have the urge to run in a race. Not a marathon, that takes too much time. BUT I am training to run the Tulsa Run - the 15k to be exact - 9.6 miles of fun. I am so excited about this. It's something that, even though it sounds lame, will be a great accomplishment for me. I am training now and have got up to 4.2 miles - without dying.

If you are in Tulsa the last weekend in October, come cheer me on. I expect ALL my family to be there because I will need the encouragement come mile 6 or 7. And the best part? We will eat at the Brook to celebrate my accomplishment - with Piper sitting right beside me!

My Idea of Prince Charming

When I was a little girl and still to this day, people say "My, my, my, you look just like your Mom!" I would and still do roll my eyes. My daughter, I would say fortunately, has the same fate of looking exactly like her mother. I know as she gets older this will annoy her greatly, while giving me much pleasure.

Truth be told, I always liked looking like my Mom. She is one of the most beautiful people I know - on the inside and out. What we have been through together defies the mother/daughter relationship. When I was a senior in High School we did one of those time capsule things before we graduated. One of the questions they asked me was "Who is your hero?" My answer was immediate and is still the same to this day - "My Mom!"

I love you, Mom! And I am not just saying that because that's what I said when the police officer took me to our house the night I got busted for drinking when I was 15. I personally still don't think I should have been grounded for a month, but hey, I forgive you. LOL!

My Mom sent this to me because we have the EXACT same sense of humor - exact same eyes, face shape, boobs, legs....ugh, I just did the eye roll! You will need to click on the image to pull it up to read. It is hilarious! Especially if you are single (really even if you are not). Below this is a picture of my hero and the man that came into our lives to forever change us for the better.

Oh...the Things I've Learned

It's amazing the things I've learned in the past week and a half. Let me entertain you (because I am done having a pity party)!

• I've learned that a bar of soap used by only one person is going to last a LOT longer than if two people were using it.
• I've learned that when you spend $130 at Wal-mart for one and a half people (Piper counts as half for food consumption) it can last you at least a month.
• I've learned it is not smart to have a snack drawer that your daughter can reach. Because when you are running on the treadmill and get done, you will find the Gatorade spilled, powered donuts opened, M&Ms on your 3-year-olds face and chez-its on the counter half opened.
• I've learned that Piper has learned to lock doors - namely the bathroom door - and can't get herself out.
• I've learned that I may have a bit of a shopping problem - especially when it comes to Craigslist.
• I've learned that Mark and I get along much better being a part (that is no indication that we will get back together).
• I've learned that watching TV sucks because all it is is Reality TV!
• I've learned that I hate Dan from "Big Brother" because he screams when he talks.
• I've learned that no matter what Jax tells me, I will never watch The Hills on MTV.
• I've learned that to get a divorce you have to pay a $2000-3000 retainer "depending on the severity of your case." WTF?
• And the #1 thing I've learned is you can get a divorce online for $299 if you can agree to everything. That's the plan - now that means I have to be extra nice to Mark until those papers are signed. LOL!

That is all, happy hump day!

Week One Behind Me

I have officially surpassed Week One in the duplex as a newly separated, single Mom. And I gotta tell ya, it was a hell of a lot harder than I ever thought. Not the single Mom part at all. I felt like a single Mom a lot of the time anyway. It's the being alone part that I am not getting used to. I hate it. I hate the silence and the boredom. I'm just fine when Piper is with me, but I can't handle the being by myself. I go run, I tan, I go to my Dad's - but it's not enough. Without Piper there, it's like a LARGE part of me is missing.

If I had one wish, it would be that I get to wake up every morning knowing that cute 3-year-olds face is only two bedrooms away. I love seeing her in the morning. I love her curly hair that looks like it has been through a tornado. I love her grouchiness that only me and Mimi can understand. I love the fact that she says the same thing every morning when she gets up - "Good Morning Momma, can I watch a little TV now?" I just love her!

Has it made me question my decision? I would be lying if I said that it hasn't. It has. But you know what, I am smart enough to know being anywhere else than where I am right now is not right or healthy for me and Piper.

A lot of good things have happened since I've moved. I feel mentally and physically better. I've got to catch up on sleep, movies and shopping. And I have been able to focus much of my time to just enjoying my daughter. I'm going to try really hard to do things with Piper that I have not taken the opportunity to do. Like go to the Zoo. Do fun craft projects. Take her to Branson to see Mimi and Papa. Take her to the movies. The possibilities are endless.

In between those times, I promise to try really hard to enjoy my time by myself. I used to love it. LOVE IT. I am sure it will come eventually.

I feel slightly broken. On the drop of a dime I can cry for no reason. Really? Because I'm not a cryer. I am relying heavily on family and friends - and pushing a few people away in the mean time. There are certain people that I know I can lean on and will understand me when I cry or say off the wall things. Then there are people who I want to understand me but can't or aren't willing to spend the time to understand. Sad, really - because I think I'm worth trying to understand. I think I am worth a lot and have sold myself short for way too long.

I can't and won't do that anymore.

Enough Said

Why do I love this so much and why does Maxine remind me of my mother and my Grandma Margaret? If you do not laugh at this, you have a serious lack of humor.

So I Guess Now I am "Evil"

Friday was moving day, a day that I looked forward to and dreaded all at the same time. I got up early and got Piper off to school, headed to my Dad's (after getting donuts) to get stuff from storage. Mark showed up to help us move, nice right? Well, I thought so at first. He was there for 5 minutes and wanted to leave to get his IPhone fixed. Really? REALLY? I asked him if maybe he could do that next week when he had some free time. You would have thought I asked him to throw it in the trash and never use it again.

He ended up staying and helped us move the heavy things. And you know what? He was as HAPPY as a lark the whole time he was moving is WIFE out of THE HOUSE. Does that make sense to you? It really blows my mind the lack of empathy he has. I do not know why I get surprised anymore.

I got Piper from school that day and took her to the new place. I am not even kidding, she walked in like she owned the place. I showed her her room and new toys. She was hooked. Since it is three bedrooms, one of the rooms is where the treadmill is and a couch with a TV. It's basically her room where she can watch Dora 852 times a day and I get to use the treadmill when I am allowed on the premises. I guess she decides that? Well, that is what she thinks anyway.

I got home and asked Mark how he could be so happy that whole day. He told me it is "because his wife's evil". WOW, that's a new name for me. Then he proceeds to say that "even my Dad was embarrassed of me". So what did I do you may ask? I walked my happy ass to the phone and called my Dad to ask him. He said under no uncertain terms did he or would he EVER say anything like that. Score one for Michele!

On Saturday I went out with Jax! We had a blast! It's so strange to be in the environment again, but it is also exciting. I need that every once in awhile...or twice a month when Mark has Piper...WOO HOO!

On Sunday I painted Piper's room pink - a color I swore I would NEVER paint my daughter's room. She will love it (she's at my Mom's right now). I can't wait to see her face when she walks in. All of her toys are there for her to see because she was afraid they would not make it when we moved. Of course, there are new ones too. Just a few...or twelve. Whatever!

It is absolutely liberating to me to be on my own. I feel so much better, like I can breath again. This move was the best thing I could have done for me and Piper. We are going to do great - that I am sure of!

My Mood

Last night Piper woke up at 11pm and 3am. I guess you could say I am a little bit tired. At 11am she said that her foot hurt. I used to think this was a load of bull, but when I told her teacher about it the next day (after the first time it happened) she said that a Dr once told her that it was a growing pain and in fact not a fib from a 3-yr-old. Of course, once again, I should be nominated for Mother of the Year!

I rubbed and rubbed her foot and leg to no avail - she said it still hurt. I hate that feeling of not being able to make her feel better because it does not happen very often.

At 3am she came in to say it still hurt. I let her get in bed with us and she fell fast asleep. Of course, that meant I slept like crap because I had to catch her 52 times so she would not roll of the bed. Why did I just not put her in the middle like a normal person? Because it was 3 IN THE MORNING and my brain does not function properly then! At 5:30 I finally moved her back to her bed so I could sleep an hour or so more. When I picked her up to take her in she said, "NO, I want Momma to take me to bed!" I told her that was who was carrying her and it did not register. I told her again, she looked at me and went right back to sleep. I love that feeling - because it is the feeling I wanted at 11pm when I could not make her pain go away.

I think this week is going to be hard for me because I am moving out on Friday. I was packing this weekend and of course I was sad. It was not a sad like I am making the wrong decision. It was just a sadness that it even got this far. My step dad told me there would be a defining moment when I knew if it was not going to work with Mark and I. That defining moment happened this weekend. It was not a major thing really - just another form of respect that I am not getting from him. And I deserve that respect.

I know I joke about the single life being good, but I am scared to death. Not because I am afraid I can't make it, because I KNOW I will. But it's change and I have never been one for change. I am going to try very hard to use this next year to just focus on me and my daughter. We are both going to need a little extra love and kindness in our lives. I promise that I will give that to her because that comes natural to me. She is my best friend and she is only 3-yrs-old. She will make every day worth getting up for because she already does. That will never change.

My New Digs

Do I always have to start off my posts with, "I am freaking busy at work!" Yes, I think I really do. It has been CRAZY this week! We have our Sales Rallies next week and I get to go to the love city of Wichita, Kansas. I know, you are jealous - get over it because I have to go alone!

So, I rented a duplex last week and I move into it next Friday, August 15th. Mark went with me to look at the duplex because he knows the owner of it. Have you ever walked into a place and felt immediately at home? Ya, that's how I felt! I am a huge "smell" person. If you stink, literally and psychically, I do not like you - END OF STORY! The duplex smelled like fresh laundry, one of my favorite smells by the way (that and my daughter's breath - I know, weird). The duplex was built in 2006 and it is fabulous. Did I tell you it is fabulous? Yep, it's fabulous.

When I was in there I was trying to contain my excitement, but it was just oozing out of me. It's like when I moved to Michigan to be closer to Seth. 3 months after I moved, I called my step dad bawling because I wanted to be back home (not home with my parents, just back to Kansas where I lived at the time). The next weekend my parents came and packed my ass up and moved me back. While they were packing and hauling - I was literally jumping for joy, I could not get back fast enough and poor Seth was so upset. It was so bad, my Mom pulled me aside and told me to basically chill the f$%K out because I was embarrassing her and myself as well.

The excitement I feel right now is even greater than that! Now I know, I will go through a grieving process, ya ya whatever - but WOO HOO!!! I will be on my own with Piper in a little over a week.

We still have not sold my freaking house, so the fun part is I get to pay rent and mortgage. How do I remedy that situation you might ask? Well...I sold my wedding ring. Yup, sold it - out the door, see ya later. I meet the woman and her husband today to give it to her. Will I be sad? Nope, I have not wore the ring for a long time and if Mark and I work things out it still does not represent what it was suppose to when he put it on my finger over 4 years ago.

Mark's pissed and says I am pissing away the money. Really? Really? I'm using it for rent and our daughter's daycare, any medical bills that may come up. Ok, so maybe I will use $100 of it to blow, but that's it. At least I am honest. AND, AND I am giving him $600 of it to pay for his first month's rent. He will probably use it for another tattoo. That's fine with me because that is a make or break thing.

P.S. Piper is SO funny. Anytime we drive by a house with no cars in front she says "Momma, nobody lives there, maybe we can live in that house?" She is going to love her new place and it's not just because I am buying her new toys either...ok, maybe it is! LOL!

Now Just A Mad Mom

So we sold my 2004 Nissan Quest mini-van today and let me tell you, it was a bitter sweet feeling. I loved that van, so seeing it drive off was harder than I expected. Of course it had a rattle on the passenger side door that drove me batty, but hey, it was still a darn good van!

When I told Piper we were selling the van and the people came to test drive it, she hopped in the van and clung to her travel TV/DVD for dear life. I am NOT even kidding. After 5 minutes, I finally convinced her that if these fine people bought the vehicle the TV would come right out, as it was not a part of the purchase. She reluctantly got out, but I know in her little mind she thought I was lying to her. Oh ye of little faith!

And yes, I wanted a Dodge Charger, but some people have tried to convince me other wise. And I hate to admit this because those "some people" will get a good laugh out of it, but I agree with them. It is a BIG vehicle and I really do not need that much of a vehicle. Really all I want is to have a $250 car payment and call it good. That would save me $150 a month, because I was paying $400 a month on my van (I was a good girl and was actually paying $60 more than the loan was a month).

See Mom, you did raise me right! Well, on this one thing at least.

And now to the fun part. I am not getting a new vehicle. I am going to take Mark's 2008 Jeep Patriot and drive it. It is a good vehicle, but we also pay $400 a month on this. It was his idea, NOT mine to get the darn thing - but somehow, like always - it was my idea to get the Jeep? WTF? Please note, I am not going to pay the full $400 on it. I am going to have the credit union transfer $250 of the loan over to my account and have it taken out of my paycheck. He can deal with the other $150 and get an old beater. He said he is ok with this. We shall see.

It took me over an hour to clean that Jeep out. And a box full of crap, plus a grocery bag full of trash later, I was done. It was disgusting. Who does that to a brand new Jeep?

Other not so fun news. I told Mark today that I was moving out at the end of August whether we sold the house or not. His response? "F U C K! I did not know it was that bad!" Really, because where have you been for the last 5 months? Not for sure really. And why within the past week has he started wearing his wedding ring again? For the love of Pete! Can someone get me a shot of tequila? I'm gonna need it soon!

D Day

Mark and I have tried to sell our house for 2-3 months now. The first time we sold it, it sold in 12 days. The second time we sold it in 3 days and the third time it was not even on the market. All three contracts fell through - due to financing, someone not being able to sell their house and the other decided they did not like the neighborhood. Ya really, because we do not like it either.

Since then we have had many people look at it and even got another offer, but we could not reach an agreement on the price. Our realtor said, "you're only $3500 off". Well...when you have NO money, $3500 is A LOT of money. Of course she drives a BMW so having her understand that concept is pretty much slim to none.

Once we sell our house, Mark and I are going to go our separate ways. For me, that means not wanting to work on it and just start my life over. For Mark that means, we just need a break and then things will be ok. I have thought and thought about what the best thing to do is. Racked my brain over and over. There are just things about him that I can't live with and unfortunately they are things that I do not think he can change. They are just who he is. I can't fault him for that, I really can't. There are things about myself that I can't change too. It is just virtually impossible.

I will always be anal. I will always have to feel like I am in control. I will always be grouchy in the mornings and I will always think the man of the house should be the primary provider for the house. I make good money and CAN and DO support myself and Piper, but as a man - I believe the weight of that responsibility should fall on his shoulders. A woman has so much to worry about besides finances. We, as women, take on SO much and try and "conquer the world" every day. It's nice to have that one burden taken off of our plate.

My Mom always worked and ALWAYS made really good money to support us. When she met and married Ken, she still supported us - but in a different way. A better way, really. He was the stable person in our life and we ALWAYS felt safe with him because he was the main provider. Reason #852 I love him.

Ok, I am off my soap box - Sorry!

On August 25th, I am moving out of the house, whether we have sold our house or not. I am going to rent a house and just be by myself (with Piper). Maybe I will miss Mark terribly, but I fear I will not.

Last night Piper and I were going to the grocery store. She was supposed to go with Mark and my two step kids to Blockbuster, but freaked out when she found out I was not going with them. So, she went with me. When I was getting her out of the van, I said "Piper, you and Momma are going to live in a new house soon, is that ok?" She said "Yes and Dad, bubba and sissy can live in another house."

That makes me sad. It makes me sad because maybe she is smarter than I already think she is. And maybe she knows that Momma is happier when she is not with Daddy. Mark and I do not fight in front of her - we really hardly ever fight at all anymore. We function like roommates. As a kid, I know she needs to see her Mom happy and she also needs to see me happy with someone of the opposite sex. On August 25, I am taking the first step at becoming who I was over 4 years ago. Saying that makes me happy because I desperately need to be me again.

And I know my Mom is now crying as she reads this...

My New Obsession

I was 15 years old when I got my very first car - a 1990 silver Ford Probe and I loved it! My stepdad spoiled me rotten, even though I DID NOT deserve it. Did I tell you how evil I was to him? My Mom and I still wonder a) why he does not hate my guts to this day and b) why is he still married to my Mom after all the hell I put him through. There is only one answer we can come up with - he is Jesus Christ reincarnated or maybe just a stubborn fool.

I love you Kenny!

I drove that car all through college until I graduated college. My college graduation present was a new car. The car OF MY CHOICE! There were a few stipulations however. 1) I had to graduate in 4 years (that meant summer school, uck!) 2) I could not get pregnant and 3) I could not be married. I am happy to say I passed all 3 with flying colors! Mostly because I was on the pill, sorry Mom, TMI.

When I graduated, I was dating the best guy in the world, Seth. He was so freaking patient and kind - therefore I hated him and did not know why he could not treat me like crap. I think some people call that "bag hunting". Anyway, we will leave the Seth story for another day. He lived in Michigan and that is where I got my next car because his best friend was a car salesman. It was a brand new Chrysler Sebring Convertible - white with a black top. I loved it, except I hated to have the top down because it messed up my hair. I was so freaking lame back then. Why in the world did I get a convertible then? Isn't that the whole point? Oh well!

I drove that car for a couple of years and decided that I needed something new. The next car was a Mercury Cougar - slade green, loved it! It was the first car I bought on my own. The car payments did suck though. After the cougar was a 4-runner; I hated it, but it could be because I hated my life at that point - hello boyfriend from hell. Sold that and dumped the boyfriend to get a Montero Sport. It was a good vehicle, but after Piper was born I had to get something that I would not keep whacking her head on everytime I put her in the car. Poor baby, no wonder she is a drama queen - I think it may be brain damage.

Enter the 2004 Nissan Quest mini-van. I am not even lying when I say that van is the BEST car I have ever had. Yes, I know it is a mini-van, but if there is such a thing as a "cool" van, this is it. I told Mark I would drive that thing until the wheels fell off. And with his 2 kids from a previous marriage, it works for a family of five.

So....I am ready to sell the min-van, because I will shortly not be a family of five. I was obsessed with the Dodge Nitro, that is until we drove one on Saturday. They drive nice, well like an SUV, but the mileage they get really sucks. And wouldn't you know it that the one I was looking at mysteriously "sold" 5 minutes before I got there. Yeah, right - car salesman are liars.

We drove to Broken Arrow to see if they had any more Nitros within a good price range and they did not. So as we were walking through the lot - the heavens opened and sang to me while I was standing in front of a 2007 Dodge Charger. Holy shit, have you seen those things? They are freaking awesome. I test drove it with Mark and a 12 year old salesman named Mitch. Mitch sucked and thought he was God's gift, I told him the music he listened to reminded me of a gay bar, he was offended and we left without the Charger. BUT, come hell or high water, I am going to get me one of those cars!! It is written in the stars - plus when I am separated it will get me a great piece of a$$.

Just joking on the last part, but that was dang funny!

Piperisms

Me: Piper can I have a kiss today?
Piper: Not today Momma, maybe on Wednesday.
_________________________
Me: You need to be a nice girl to your friends today, ok?
Piper: Can I just play by myself so I don't have to be a nice girl today?
Me: Sure.
_________________________
Piper: Momma, I am really, really thirsty.
Me: I'm sorry, no more drinks before bedtime. It makes you pee during the night.
Piper: Ok Momma, I give up.
Me: Really?
Piper: Yes, I am too tired today.
Me: I wish you were "too tired" more often girl!
_________________________
Me: Did you go potty in your pull-up while you were sleeping?
Piper: Just a little Momma
(Me feeling her diaper)
Me: You call that a little?
Piper: Yes, I really, really do.
__________________________
(While in a bad mood)
Piper: Momma, I just really need to cry.
Me: Why?
Piper: Because I just really, really need to.
Me: Ok, go for it.
(The crying ensues)
Piper: (while crying) Momma, I don't want to cry anymore.
Me: Ok then, stop crying.
Piper: But I really, really still want to cry.
Me: You drive me crazy little lady.
Piper: I'm not a little lady, I'm Piper!
Me: Ok, you drive me crazy PIPER!!
____________________________
(Talking to my Dad)
Me: She is really T. I. R. E .D. (spelling tired, not actually saying it), I think it's time for a N.A.P.
Piper: I am not T. I. D!
Dad: When did she learn to spell?
Me: When she came out of the womb. It is another form of torture she likes to play.
Piper: I AM NOT T. I. D.!!!

Family Reunion

Traveling again with work, ugh! I spent four days in New Orleans for a meeting with our Agency Leadership partners. Now many would say, "yeah, New Orleans - that would be so much fun!" Umm...obviously you do not know about my job and the BS that goes with it. From the time your butt gets out of bed to the time the meeting is over, you barely have time to think. Then the fun part of the day starts when after the meeting you have to do everything else that came in on your email. Remember "out of office" just means you will get to it at night, NOT when you get back to work!

Highlights from the meeting: lights kept mysteriously dimming while the speakers were talking, our Agency Vice President's microphone would not work, the sound guy is DEAF (I am not f'ing kidding), I have blisters on my feet from running back and forth trying to get things to work. THE END!

On Friday I hopped on a plane and headed to Des Moines, Iowa for a family reunion. We are going to try and do this every two years because it seemed like the only reason we would see each other is when someone passed away. Not the best time to have a beer with the family - well, not at least until day 2 of the mourning process. You gotta love my family.

I love my family! They are hilarious. My uncle is a retired minister and is the nicest, funniest guy you will ever meet. Case in point - he always asks me when my husband "Spike" is going to get out of jail and that he prays from his safe return once he is released. What? Who thinks of that stuff? We had a auction while we were there. Everybody brought their old stuff, some new and we bought it from each other. We raised $1800! It goes to the fund for the next reunion.

Piper was a rock star at this reunion. Since July 4 at my Mom's house, she has really come out of her shell. It is SO fun to see! She was talking to people, playing with the kids - just being a normal three-year-old for once. Yeah Piper!!! When we were getting ready to leave, I was holding her and giving people hugs. I would say "It was so nice to see you!" and she would say the same thing and give just as big of hugs. She makes my heart melt on a daily basis.

Highlights from the Reunion: 18 people asking me if I ate because I was too thin, my cousin announcing to everyone that I have more tattoos then my brother (which I guess makes me the most white trash), my aunt freaking out because we took the wrong turn to go to Dairy Queen, getting 3 hours sleep the first night because my Dad snores like a FREIGHT TRAIN, getting into a bikini in front of people you have not seen in two years! That about covers it!

And Mark did not go on this trip either. He "did not want to take another day of vacation". He is the best! Really, he is trying. BUT I did tell him I was done trying because marriage should not be THIS hard. I am ok with the ups and downs - but not everyday.

Does anyone want to buy a freaking house? I mean seriously, someone out there needs a house, right? We have had 4 contracts on it, 3 have fallen through and 1 we could not reach an agreement on. Throw me a FREAKING bone people!!

The Single Life (Plus 1) may be better than I thought

This weekend Mark and I went to a birthday party for a co-worker (on Saturday). It was at Full Moon and there were dueling pianos. I LOVED it! I think I need to go there more often. Ok, I loved it until a woman got on stage for her birthday and then her boyfriend got up on stage to propose...in a bar....drunk. Who the hell does that?

Well, anyway, I may have ruined the night because I was all "Don't do it!" Outloud, yes, outloud. Mark was not too happy with me, but hey what's new! She still said yes, so it must not have been as loud as I thought - I will scream louder next time that happens. Then I will walk up on stage and say, "look, I know you think you are in love, but seriously - can't you just live in sin together, have premarital sex and be happy? And, really, the first year OR FOUR are no walk in the park sister...here's my number, call me and we can talk."

After the party, I met my friend Jax out, with some of her friends. Of course, I wanted to go by myself and Mark did not like that. But really, he needs to get used to it because that's how it is going to be for awhile or forever. Needless to say, I drove him home and came back. It was a fun time, relaxed but fun. Her friends are awesome and quite funny. I felt like the old me (but a Mom now). The bar was not a meat market, I did not know a sole and still had a good time. I have promised myself I will do this again, many, many times.

Say what you mean and mean what you say

About three months ago I made the horrible mistake (ONE TIME) of telling Piper she could get out of bed if she "needed" to. In my mind this meant "if your bed was on fire or you had to go poop". In her little mind, this meant I can get out of bed when I can't go to sleep, ONLY five minutes after Momma has laid me down.

At first it was funny, and I have to admit it still kinda is, when she would get up. I would hear her in the beginning because she has a step stool to get on and off her bed. She cannot get of that darn thing without making a thud. Then the little feet start to moving and in 2.2 seconds she is down the hallway and into my room. Now, what makes this even more funny is my daughter has curly hair and when she lays down, even for 5 minutes and then gets up, she looks like a mad scientist. I love it, it makes me laugh every time.

Last night was especially hard for her to go to bed. Maybe it because I am a bad mother and let her watch TV before bed or maybe it was the 1/2 bag of M&Ms she devoured earlier in the evening - either way, she was up three times. After the first time I told her that she could only get up if she "really, REALLY needed me". The second time she came, she said "Momma, I really, REALLY need you to scratch my back." I was doing my yoga at the time, so she followed up with "but I will wait until you are done with your oga and then we will go back to my bed. Ok, Momma?"

Who could argue with that? I mean after all she was letting me do my exercises? Right?

We went back and I scratched her back and left. Only THIS TIME I was smarter than that silly 3-yr-old. I waited outside of her room, in the hallway. Not 2 minutes later, thud, she was out the door and I was standing there. She smiled and said, "Momma, I really, REALLY need you to play with my hair, ok?"

We went back to her bed and I threatened her with her life, she was scared (ok not really). But, I did tell her that she could not get out of bed anymore tonight...then I proceeded to play with her hair. I am such a sucker for that little girl!

I am the ONLY one who did not

Good Lord, I have not blogged forever, so sorry! Work has been CRAZY busy and I am now just getting caught up. Why does a person have to have 138 emails in their inbox when they get back from vacation? Especially when you have an out of office reply that says you will be out? Don't send me emails every day and leave voice messages. I AM NOT HERE!!

The vacation was FANTASTIC! Exactly what I needed. And my decision to not take Mark was the best decision I could have ever made. I did yoga on the beach every day, under this torn down hut. And wouldn't you know it, the second day I go down there, there's a For Sale sign strapped to the hut. You would have thought that was the second coming of Jesus Christ with the thrill my family got out of that. Can you see grown men taking pictures of me (fragile, because I am on a beach by myself) trying to do yoga, minding my own business - with a For Sale sign in every picture and me in the background. The nerve! I can hear my brother's laugh right now. My Mom thinks he is the "nice one", but I know different.

Don't we Matthew???

I think on Day 3 is when everyone thought it was pick on Michele day. I, once again being the fragile person I am (ya, right), nicely asked everyone to refrain from having sex. I thought that was a fair thing to ask. If I was not having it, the least they could do was not have it as well. Right? Right? After everyone stopped laughing at me, they said under no uncertain terms would they stop, in fact, they were all going to do it at the same time so I could hear them. Gotta tell ya, it made me a little sick - especially when MY MOTHER said "How about we just do it twice tonight, instead of three times?" The look on my step dad's face was priceless. If he could have been any happier, there would have been two of him. Needless to say, they did not accept my request - but THANK GOODNESS I feel asleep before the festivities began!!

I think I may be able to live on the beach or at least the house we stayed in. It was incredible. I think Piper would have really liked it. I started missing her on Day 2 and by Day 5, I was ready to be home to see her. Didn't miss Mark - but did miss the companionship. If that is not a sign of things to come, I do not know what is.

When I got off the plane, Mark and Piper picked me up. It was the cutest thing ever. It took her a couple seconds to recognize me and when she finally did, she said "Momma I missed you SO MUCH!" Melted my heart and made me want to have 12 more Pipers in my life.

So, my freakin' house has still not sold. Why? I have no idea. I am going crazy, need it to sell and get on with my life. Mark is trying to be SO nice to me. Too little, too late.

Decision 2008

So, I have to say I am happy I got responses on my last post. Thank you so much. And I bet you are all dying to know what my decision is - well probably not dying, but at least ready for the answer.

I am not taking him.

I really need some time to myself for 5 days. Not necessarily to be by myself, but to be "just me" - which I have not been for a long time. My family brings out the best in me. They appreciate my quirks and everything that goes along with that. I don't want the pressure of this trip being the end all be all for us. And yes, I am sure I will miss him - but will I miss "him" or the companionship he brings me? I do not know the answer to that right now.

I also think it is important that Mark spends time with Piper by himself for a while. He has not been with her by himself for that long ever. I need their relationship to be strong because when we do separate after we sell the house, it is going to be hard enough dropping her off to see him.

So, perhaps I will meet Lars so he can lotion up my body. No funny business, I promise!

Lars

My mom and I have always had this joke about when my step dad passes away that she will find a man named Lars to do all of her dirty work. If you catch my drift. Lars always seemed like the appropriate name. When I think of Lars, I think of a Greek God that can barely speak any English. All you would need to do it just point to the spot you would like lotion applied and Lars would oblige.

This Friday my family and I are headed to the beach (Cozumel). We will be there for five glorious days of drinking, boating, tanning and more drinking. And NO KIDS! Did I mention NO KIDS? NO KIDS! Now I love Piper and I know on day 2 I will miss her terribly, but Momma needs this vacation and she needed it a long time ago.

I have still yet to decide if I want to take Mark. Am torn about it actually. Why, crazy woman are you torn about this you may ask? Ya, I have no freaking idea. I guess my rational is who would not want to be with their husband on white sand beaches. Heck, if we can't have fun there then we are for sure done.

Then there is the part of me that would like to go there alone and reflect. Think about what I need out of life and unfortunately, I think it is to be alone - for a while at least. Any suggestions? Go with him or leave his butt home? Majority rules!

Self Confidence Booster

So, I am getting out the shower yesterday after I have shaved and washed all the appropriate places. As I am opening the shower curtain Piper is standing there - staring at me and says "Momma, you look disgusting!"
Well dang, I was feeling pretty good about myself for like FIVE MINUTES!

Picnics and Parties

Mark left to go to California today for FIVE days to help his uncle lay tile in their new house. Now, I may be a little selfish saying this, but I LOVE having my daughter all to myself. We have a blast. PLUS, she gets to bed on time and is so much happier in the mornings for it. Have you read my "Grouch" post? Momma needs good mornings with Piper!

When I told her that Daddy was going on a trip, the first thing she said was "Can we have a picnic in your bed Momma?" You bet your ass we can honey! And you can get crumbs on your Dad's side of the bed too - WOO HOO!

Grouch - She gets it from me

I have never once claimed to be a morning person. In fact, all the woman in my family are NOT morning people. Of course, my daughter is not a morning person either. So why is it that grouchy people can talk with one another in the morning time and be just fine? But then you throw that "morning person" in the mix that tries to talk to you and you literally want to rip their head off? Does not seem fair, but that's the price you pay for marrying or living with a person that loathes the mornings.

My step dad (the best man in the entire world) used to try SO hard in the mornings with me and my Mom. He still tries, to no avail, with my Mom to get her to be a morning person. He brings her coffee and toast every morning. I bet you could count on one hand how many times she has responded nicely to him. God LOVE Papa Ken!!

I remember when I was in high school, I would get up in the morning and PRAY that he was not in the bathroom getting ready for work. Because if he was, I would have to walk by him and hear him say "Good Morning!" with as much happiness as one man could hold. And I am embarrassed to say, that I never said anything back.

I walked into my daughter's room this morning to get her up for school today and she said "Leave me along Mama, I want to go back to sleep!" And my response to her? "I will leave you alone after I beat you child!" Awe, a mother's love, there is nothing better.

Priorities I

Growing up I was raised to be a VERY independent woman - some times this was a detriment more than it was a great quality. With this independence came a lot of selfishness and stubbornness. I know, two great qualities - doesn't THAT make you want to be my friend. Please?

I was used to being on my own and living a carefree life. When I met my husband, of course that had to change. I was ready for that - or at least I thought I was. My husband has two children from a previous marriage. One boy, 11 and one girl, 9. They are good kids. When Mark and I were dating, they were never allowed to stay the night at my house (due to their mother), so the time I had with them was just for 4-8 hours at a time and then they would go on their merry way home. Me, being the dumb person I am at times, thought that was enough time to get used to the fact that they would be with us half the time - staying the night, no less.

The day we got home from our honeymoon, we went straight over to get Mark's kids for 5 days straight. Talk about the "honeymoon being over" - it was. Not only was I a new wife, I was a new mom. That is a TALL order for this independent/selfish girl. So what did I do? Took it in stride for a while - by that I mean went to the Dr and was prescribed 20mg of Lexapro a day to deal with my horrible anxiety. In many, many ways that is a MIRACLE drug.

Mark is a good father, he just does not know how to discipline his kids (and my daughter included). I guess in the beginning I thought that kids were supposed to be demanding to the point that it was maddening? Not the right assumption on my part.

Whenever the kids were over, he was with them. Now I know that you are supposed to play with your kids - but it was non-stop. It was important to me that the kids see us as a couple, were Dad and step mom can spend time together to bond and the kids could - God forbid - play by themselves. They each had their own room and new toys for Pete's sake.

Within the first month or two, I told Mark that I wanted a divorce. I guess you could say I was not coping well, even with the miracle meds. He convinced me each time I had a breakdown that he loved me and divorce was not an option. I believed him. As the months went on we either had good days or bad, there was never any in between for us. That is EXACTLY how it is to this day, by the way. Funny how things never change.

There was a stretch in there however where things were pretty good. I had excepted that fact that I was a wife and step mom. It actually did not feel that bad. And in my head (which you will learn is not right at times), I thought hey I am helping to raise Mark's kids and not getting a whole lot of love in return from them, why not have a baby of my own. Yes, that's what we will do, we will try and make a baby together. Now I LOVE MY DAUGHTER, but trying to have a baby at that time probably was one of the dumbest decisions. Looking back now, I just needed to be loved by someone unconditionally, because I just was not getting that from Mark. I NEEDED to feel loved by someone through the good times and bad.

Enter Piper...