Four Generations Collide - Heaven Help Us All

Last year when Piper was two, we took her trick or treating for the first time around our neighborhood. She was a princess, of course - aren't all little girls that? We explained to her that we were going to go knock on doors and say "Trick or Treat" and then people would give us CANDY! Now my daughter is a VERY smart girl, too smart for her own good, but she just could not process that people were going to give her candy.

So we went to the first door. She buried her head into the crease of my neck and would not say a word. So, I grabbed the candy, apologized and said "Thank you, this is her first Halloween." We went to two more houses and she did the same thing. When I was ready to throw in the towel, she surprised the crap out of me, got down and rang the doorbell. When the person answered the door, she yelled "Trick or Treat!" The really funny thing about it was when we would go to other houses and she would just see the door (it was not even open yet) she would yell "Trick or Treat!"

This year Piper is going to be a princess yet again. This theory makes me sick to my stomach - I am not a frilly girl, never have been, never will be. I prefer jeans and pants to dresses and skirts.
My mother will say to me ALL THE TIME, "But Michele, you have such nice legs! I gave you those legs! You need to show them off more!" My response to my loving mother is "You also gave me these boobs and hips. Do you want me to show those off too?" Why that woman does not find the humor in that, I will never know. BUT I do thank her often for my skinny ankles!

Thanks Mom! You're the best!

My parents have a condo in Branson, so Piper and I are headed there today. We are going to trick or treat around that area. There are houses there that, God willing, will have candy. And if those said houses do not have candy, Papa Ken better come up with a good back-up plan. You got that Kenny?

My Aunt Jackie and Uncle Whitey will be there, along with my cousin and her husband. I love these people. I love them for the obvious reasons - because they are family - but I love them more because they are mean, hateful and remind me of why I am apart of this family. My Aunt Jackie is my Mom's older sister. And I do not think there has been a family event where she has not called me a bitch. Who does that? My Aunt Jackie! If you were to look in the dictionary and look up the phrase "Doesn't give a shit" my Aunt Jackie's face would be right beside it. She is by nature a fun, but grouchy ol' woman - my Mom is fun, but a grouchy woman - I am hilarious (at least I would like to think so), but at times can be grouchy - and my beautiful three-year-old is funny and part of it is because she is a grouchy little girl at times.

We come from a long generation of grouches, it's who we are and I would not want to be any other way then this. I also think Piper will be just as content with this - after all, her favorite story for me to tell her at night is the one my Mom told her several weeks ago - "The grouchy girls' story". Thanks, Mom, for telling her that one. Now I have to tell it EVERY night!!

Happy Halloween people!

She may be turning sweet again...

I feel like it has been forever since I talked about Ms. Piper. Does that make me a bad Mom? I sure hope not!

This weekend I went out of town because it was Mark's turn to take care of Piper. I still do not like the weekends without my baby, but I am getting used to the fact that this is how life is right now. Each weekend without her is getting slightly easier than the last. I will never like it, but it is what it is and I am doing things for me - something I have not done in a long time. And my weekend was a blast! Yay!!

When I got back in town, Mark dropped Piper off to me. The door was locked, so I heard the constant ringing of the bell - knowing it was my silly 3-year-old. I opened the door and she was so freaking excited to see me. She gave me a big hug and looked at her Daddy like she was so proud to be with me.

Now to some of you this might not seem like a big deal, but IT IS because you have never met the little girl that is Piper. She is MUCH like her mother and only hugs and kisses when she wants to do it. You do not force her to do anything. It drives my stepmother crazy - but for my Mom and Dad, they understand fully because that's exactly how I was when I was growing up (and still to this day). She has many of these traits from me - I just do NOT want her to get my genes and get big boobs. She already has a bubble butt! A bubble butt and big boobs is NOT a good thing. It makes me want to commit myself to a home as I type this.

So, yesterday we went to the park and played because it was so nice. As we were playing in the ship at the playground, Piper said "Momma, you are so nice! You are not grouchy at all, I like that Momma!" Who says that? My silly daughter does. Then we got home and watched the Backyardigans and went to bed. As I was walking to the bathroom to get the Vick's for her chest, she said "Momma, I like your hair, and your face, and your clothes and your legs. When I'm a big girl, can I wear your clothes? And I like your shoes! Can I wear your shoes?!" I told her of course she could - but in my mind I was thinking, kid if you like my clothes when you are older either I am dressing WAY too young for my age or Piper has no taste at all. LOL! Either way, I was still flattered.

And you know that no day can go left without me throwing in something that brings my reality of a sweet daughter crashing to the ground. After she was sweet (when we were playing on the ship) she proceeded to say to me "Momma, shut your mouth." She did not say it mean, just very matter of fact. I asked her where she heard that from, praying it was NOT from me, and she said Daddy. "Daddy says that to bubba when he talks all the time!"

So last night, Daddy got a lesson on "using his words" in front of my sweet, sweet Piper.

I hope everyone's weekend went well! Poor Jax is still so sore, so I'm taking her to dinner tonight - if she is up for it!

I'm just as bad

Last week I told Joy that she needed to blog because it had been a week. And looky here...its been a week for me as well. So sorry, Joy, for yelling at you!

Today it is rainy and cold. I want to sleep, but I am choosing to have my second caffeine fix instead. The time is 10:44 a.m. - not a good sign of willpower on my part. Oh well!

So a funny thing happened on my way to getting a divorce. I told you all before that I was going to give Mark the papers instead of him being served. You know, because sometimes I can be a nice person! My lawyer messed up and sent them to my home address instead of work. And because I just moved, the mail people will not put anything that will not fit in my mailbox on the front door. I understand why, but it is such a pain in the ass to go to the post office to get it. Not because it is a far drive, but because the post office is full of incompetent people - at least where I live.

So, I took my happy ass to the post office and stood in line forever - well it was 5 minutes, but that seems like forever to me. I get to the desk and said I needed to pick up a package that was unable to fit in my mailbox. The lady goes back to the holding area and comes back 10 minutes later with no package in site. She explains that she is new there and it may be some place back there that she is unaware of? Ok, whatever, just get me my damn package.

So she gets another lady to look and to no avail the package is still not located. Then as the second woman comes up to the desk area, it dawns on her and she says the following. "What is your zip code again?" And I tell her. She then proceeds to say - and people I could NOT make this crap up if I tried - "Oh hun, your mailman died unexpectedly and some of the mail has been lost. We are trying to sort it out, but it all just happened so fast - we're playing catch up!"

At this point I look around the post office because I'm positive I'm on candid camera and those film people are going to jump out at any minute. They did not jump out. In fact, the papers have still not been located. Now many people would say this may be somewhat of a sign that maybe divorce is not the best thing. And to those people I would lovingly say "Screw off!"

Don't read this if you have PMS

As if I needed another reason to love my step dad. He sent me this today. Please note: if you have any kind of heart, you will cry. So, if you do not want to cry today - DO NOT READ THIS! If you are stubborn and read it anyway, I warned you!!

Sweetheart,
Emotionally, what you are about to go through is as tough as it was to make the decision to ask for the divorce. You have and you will constantly second guess yourself. You must trust your instincts and it helps to journal like you are doing with your blog. Some days you will feel great about it and other days, you’ll wonder did I do the right thing and feel terribly guilty about doing this. These are all the feelings I went through with mine and if any of these emotions are familiar, it just says you are normal. Probably the most important thing I remember is having a network of several people to talk to. I found myself constantly talking about it and several times to total strangers who were very supportive. After I spilled my guts to one guy, I kind of came out of my “rant” and was completely embarrassed and he said don’t apologize for that. It’s normal. Just remember to be there for the next person that is going through what you went through. Just be there to listen.

Both your Mom and I have been there and are there for you to not judge, comment or advise. We can just listen because you are hurting and talking about it will help get the hurt out. You need to find that network and maybe your church will have that support group.
I can guarantee you that time will make it all better. But in the meantime, he’ll be mean because he is a man, his ego is crushed, you don’t need him and he knows it . He knows he blew it but is too proud to ever admit that to himself or to anyone else.

He is human. And so are you and as much as you would like for him to say “I’m sorry”, my bet is that you will never hear him say it. So, let it go, be sad that the life that you had hoped to spend together and share didn’t happen. Grieve, be mad, yell, scream, curse, and then let it go. You will know when you are ready to be done being sad, mad and disgusted. You’ll find there are so many other good things for you and Piper to look forward to and enjoy. But you must go through all these stages of anger and grief and finally acceptance before eventually you will get to healing so you can go on with your life. And you can be in all three of these stages at the same time. It’s really confusing but, Sweetie, you’ll survive and always remember we’re here. Unfortunately, this is one thing, we can’t help or do for you.

But when we say we feel your pain, we really have.

I love you and let me know when you need to “rant” or just talk with someone who loves you unconditionally.

~Your Wanna be Dad.

That's all folks

Before I start this post with the obvious, I need to say "hi" to my brother Matt. And he knows why I am saying hi to him too. Don't you Matthew Wayne!! Why do brothers feel that it is necessary to torture you through your adult years? I mean, can't we all just get along? Why can't we just share the macaroni and cheese? I offered to share the baked beans with you. It's not my fault you do not like them! And yes, I did eat two heaping bowls of homemade mac and cheese last night, just to piss you off. The end!

I met with the attorney this morning for all of 10 minutes and that cost me exactly $2000. Funny how this whole thing works. As I was reading the papers that show she will represent me, I read over one particular part where the retainer can never go below the $2000 mark. Am I retarded that I did not know this? I mean, I thought she got the retainer, used it til it was gone and then billed me if she needed more. NO. NO. NO. What this means is each time I see her or she does something for this divorce, I get a bill in the mail that says, "Hi, bend over, I need more of your money, the retainer you gave my firm means jack crap. Oh, and, by the way, have a nice friggin' day!"

We talked about the issues - which I already told you, there should be none? Hopefully people, fingers crossed. She also said that this could be done in 10 days, 10 days! What we have to do is sign a waiver (pending we agree) and bam, boom, it's through. I am never really this lucky, so I am not optimistic about the 10 days.

Oh, and by the way - I am still mad. I have not even talked to him for close to a week and still, I'm angry with him. Has not changed one bit. Not one.

Retainer

This Tuesday I met with an attorney to over the details of getting a divorce. I am blindly going into this and really scared to death. She talked to me about my options and asked what factors were there in the case that needed to be addressed. I thought for a minute - factors? Well, really there are no factors that should hinder this case. It should be pretty cut and dry, right? I told her Mark and I agree on most everything - except the fact that I want primary physical custody.

For those of you who do not know what that means, it just says her physical address lies with me. So, she goes to school in the same school district we live, not his. And really, that's it. Mark does not like this and I am not for sure why - but, oh well. It is one of the million things I no longer understand.

Her retainer is $2000 and she is the lowest I have found. And, really, I have talked to 4 attorneys so far. Plus, she is super nice and very relatable. I think if she was not my attorney, we would be friends.

So, now that this is going on, I am really sad. Not sad because of the divorce itself - because I know it is the best thing to do - but sad that I feel like the last 6 years of my life have been a big fat fake.

Within the last week and a half, I have heard some disturbing things about the person I spent 6 years of my life with. They both involve him sleeping with his co-workers. One person is on his team and another person is much younger than he is. Much younger. He is old enough to be her Dad. I gave him the benefit of the doubt with the first rumor, but the second one I am having trouble letting go. And, it's not because I care if he did, because you know what - he is going to sleep with other people and get in relationships in the future. It's the fact that I don't believe him and the fact that he puts himself in these situations in the first place. He helped her move out of her house. Then on top of that, he took her home after work because she did not have a ride. Does this raise a red flag to anybody else but me???

Mark has always been a friendly guy, but he has always not known when the friendliness should end. He says, "it's not in my nature to not be nice!" My response is this, why don't you save some of that friendliness for your wife and stop being such a cocky prick? I have told him many times he is going to get himself in trouble because of this and this is proof positive I was right.

I am mad - he says I am a roller-coaster and that I have been all my life. That to me is very hurtful, VERY hurtful. If being emotional about my marriage ending and me not being able to see my daughter every day makes me an emotional roller-coaster, than so be it - I AM! And if having the wool pulled out from under you and no longer knowing the person you laid in bed with for so long makes me emotional, again - I AM!

The attorney asked me if I wanted Mark to be served or if I wanted to give the papers to him. I said, "please let me give him the papers". I still want it to be this way. Even though I am very angry with him for everything, at the end of the day I can still lay my head on my pillow and know that I took the high road in all of this. I am not so sure he will ever be able to do that.

A lady I work with asked me if we were getting a divorce and I told her yes. She said to me, "Michele, the best thing that you can do is forgive him." She was not talking about forgiving him and getting back together, she was talking about forgiving him and moving on with my life. I am trying, it is one of the hardest things I've had to do. It's a daily battle that I feel sometimes I am losing.