Raising me (and Me)

Love and Donuts

2012-01-10T10:55:00.002-06:00

Growing up, I was really never much of an athlete. I tried softball when I was younger and was a fairly good pitcher - until I was hit by a line drive. After that, sports really weren't my thing. I liked the activity associated with sports and the comradery, I just did not have the competitive nature that helps you excel.

My eighth grade year I tried basketball and I sucked at it. So, beside track, the next best thing to do was try out for cheer leading. My first tryout I made the Varsity team and was so excited. I finally felt like I found my niche. I continued to do that until I went to college - after that, I was just a college student partying her way through the next four years of her life and I LOVED every single minute of that experience.

During my freshman year, I was so consumed with the whole college thing that fitness and health was thrown to the side. The end result was gaining about 15-20 extra lbs in the first six month of school. Now, I'm 6 ft tall, so 15-20 lbs doesn't necessarily show on me, but when you go home for the holiday to find you can't fit in a size 12 jean THERE'S A PROBLEM PEOPLE.

From that day forward, I made fitness and health a priority in my life. At first it was just something I did to get the extra weight off, but eventually in became something that I loved and lived for. It was a great stress reliever for me when I was feeling overwhelmed with school and the reason I was actually at college - to gain an education and NOT waste my parents money on beer.

When I went home after my freshman year, I was a lifeguard and never felt more confident in a bathing suit in my life. And honestly, that wasn't what my goal was - to look great in a swimsuit. It was about taking control of my life in every aspect.

After college, I maintained my health and after I had Piper I went through a time where fitness had to take a back burner to my failing health. With the colitis that I developed, it zapped every bit of energy I had and nothing I did helped. It was an ugly couple of years - but through it all, I maintained my sanity. Through that time, I still made it to the gym or worked out on the treadmill albeit not as hard as I used to. The deal was, I was not going to let this illness take control of my life. I was going to do my damnedest to control it.

I gained control of this disease fully about one year ago and just as I was feeling better, I felt a completely different thing going on within my body. I felt like a 35-yr-old woman trapped in a 80-yr-old persons body. At first I played it off as a change in my workout routine, but after several months of feeling the same way I made a Dr appt to see if what I was feeling was normal. When the blood tests came back, it revealed that I had Rheumatoid Arthritis - what I refer to as an old person's disease. You're welcome, Mom! I was never so relieved in my life to know that I wasn't losing my ever loving mind and that there was something legitimately wrong with me.

Every part of my body ached - from the top of my head to the tip of my toes. And the crazy thing about it is the Dr told me I probably would have ached even worse had it not been for my level of physical activity.

For most people, this would have been the opportune time to through in the towel and yell "UNCLE!", but I didn't and I never will. With all the good and bad I feel every day of my life within my body, fitness and health will always be there. I truly believe that it has helped me in every aspect in my life. My goal is to be around a long time for my kids and watch them grow into the adults we are trying so desperately to help them become.

I hate excuses. I hate your excuses. I hate laziness. I hate your laziness. I can't do it and I won't do it. Should something happen to you because of your level of inactivity and you're not around, I will be upset with you for a very long time. If something were to happen to you because you are too stubborn to get in shape and be healthy and I lose you and in turn lose the kids I am helping you to raise, I will never forgive you for that. Period.

Through It All

2011-10-04T14:03:00.002-05:00

In March of this year, my family started yet another "new" chapter in our lives. We purchased a bigger house for our five, yes 5!, kids. This house has one more bedroom, an additional living area, a formal dining room and best of all...sweet LAND (an acre lot). That way when Rob and I get tired of hearing the screams and stomps in the house, we can shove the kids outside, close the door and let the screams be heard by all the neighbors. Nothing says welcome to the neighborhood like screaming children. Hoo ya, buddy!

To get in the house was NO small feat. In fact, there were many times that Rob and I almost threw in the towel and said UNCLE UNIVERSE you can just keep the damn house, we will live in a trailer for the rest of our lives! You think I'm joking? Oh no, we lived IN A TRAILER beside my dad's house for 2 weeks, when the stay was only supposed to be ONE, yes 1!, day.

I'm pretty proud of myself because in that two weeks, I only broke down one time. Maybe that was because I was highly medicated the rest of the days and that ONE day I ran out of Lexapro.

I kidd, maybe.

Since the day we got the keys and moved into the house, we have worked very hard at making it our home. But with a much bigger house comes added responsibilities, such as MORE cleaning and MORE yard work - two things I never really considered until we got moved in and adjusted.

I got divorced in 2008 and the one thing I have prided myself on since then was keeping a positive attitude and always seeing the good in the things happening around me - good, bad and ugly.

About a month ago I stopped seeing the good. I was angry and frustrated all the time and couldn't put my finger on why this was happening. And the fact that it was happening made me even more angry because I could not control it. Finally the straw that broke the camels back was the dog taking the brand new comforter and tearing a hole in it before I even got a chance to put it on the bed. Small thing, I know...but that was it.

I sat in the middle of the living room and lost it - crying and mad BECAUSE I was crying and couldn't stop it. I HATE to cry, to me it's a sign of weakness or a sign of defeat - two things that don't represent who I am.

As I cried, Rob sat down beside me and held my hand, scared to death of what was happening. All I could say to him was "I'm just so angry...ALL the time." He said that right thing when he said, I know and I'm sorry.

As I sat there thinking about why I was angry, it dawned on me that I was giving my life to this family and feeling like I was getting nothing in return. I was in essence a glorified maid and housekeeper. And it wasn't fair. I would come home to a kitchen that was a mess, rooms that weren't picked up and a fiance that was sitting on the couch relaxing from a long days work.

From the second I entered the house I was on the move - answering questions from all the kids, cleaning, picking up, laundry...it just never stopped. It was like groundhog day and I hated every second of it. I no longer enjoyed going to what we now call "home". I dreaded driving up to the house knowing the tasks that stood in front of me.

Some may say that's what a mother does and for those who say that, I will argue all day long that's NOT what a mother is. A mother deserves the same respect she gives the members in her family. She deserves to have a mate that helps her EVERY second of EVERY day. She deserves kids that pick up after themselves so they can grow up to be respectful and responsible adults. She deserves to have time to herself to recover from the day so she can maintain her sanity and be the best Mom she can be.

After that day, and the weeks that have followed, a lot of things have changed in our house because they HAD to and NEEDED to. I don't feel like I'm walking into a house where I am raising 6 kids not 5. And the odd thing about it is there is no other way for this to have happened had I not opened up and became human - let that vulnerability show. Because in the end I will always me a mother, wife and friend, but most importantly I will always be ME.

For Those Who Suffer

2011-05-19T10:26:00.004-05:00

Do you ever have that one secret you keep? You know, the one that if you shared it, it would either make you feel like a totally new person OR have horrible consequences once you let it out? Yeah, I've got that secret and have held onto it for over five years. And TODAY is the day I tell you. Will I feel new? Or will I regret it? To tell you the truth, I honestly don't care.

A little over five years ago - nine months after the birth of Piper - I was diagnosed with colitis.

All my life I have had problems with my colon, woohoo, fun stuff people! It started to progressively get worse when I was a teenager, but that solely had to do with "not being able to go" if you catch my drift. And I suffered through that with a few trips to the hospital and enemas that followed. It was awful, so I thought, but it was my life, and I accepted it. I tried all sorts of medicines - mostly laxative based ones that would curl me up in a ball, the pain was so terrible. They worked for a day and then I was back to square one the next day.

When I got pregnant with Piper, all my problems seemed to go away. It was the first time I was "regular" and man did it feel good. Then nine months after I had her, I started to get totally different systems then I had earlier. My stomach was always a mess, I could not keep anything in, and I started to lose weight. Now in the beginning, I admit that was not such a bad thing. But, after I continued to lose, even I started to get worried.

I went to the Dr and it revealed the colitis. To stop the symptoms, they put my on prednisone - a steroid based drug. I read up on the side effects of this and it scared the shit out of me - no pun intended. Reluctantly I started taking the drug and the symptoms seemed to clear up. I tapered off the drug for awhile and when I did my symptoms seemed to get even worse. I went back to the Dr and had ANOTHER colonoscopy done.

Side bar - People I am the queen of colonoscopies. I've had 6 at the ripe ol' age of 34. The only positive thing I can say about them is I sleep like a baby afterwards!

This test showed that my colitis had gotten progressively worse and turned itself into ulcerative colitis - meaning part of my colon and rectum was covered in ulcers/lesions. Isn't this fun?! My life really ceased to exist at that point. I could not go out to eat or out in public for fear I would not have enough time to make it to the bathroom. ANYWHERE I went I had to make sure that 1) I had not eaten several hours before or 2) There had to be a bathroom close. EVERYWHERE I WENT I had to know these things.

For those who know me, this was debilitating. It's an incredibly dirty and humiliating disease. You never feel clean and for me it made me feel horribly unattractive. I was and still am a very healthy person - on the outside. I'm very into fitness and eating healthy and with this disease, I couldn't comfortably do the things I loved to do. It consumed my every thought. I no longer had control over my body. My weight got down to 132lbs (and I'm 6' tall).

I remember telling Mark at one point, I honestly thought this disease was going to kill me.

Now people, I am stubborn - one of the most stubborn people I know. While I was sick and losing all sorts of fluids - namely blood, I still worked out. It made me feel like I had some ounce of control of my life. If you ask my ex-husband, he would say this made it worse. If you ask me, it helped me maintain my sanity.

I went through stages for about 3-4 years of being in remission to "having a flare-up". You learn these fun terms when you have colitis. "Hey, how are you?" "Great, just gotta minor flare in my ass, thanks for asking!"

I finally started to see another Dr and she gave me hope that things would get better. We started a new treatment - still taking the steroid at a higher dose - and added in a drug called Asacol. That drug, for me, has been a Godsend. I feel better than I have in a long time. I feel like I have got my life back.

Over the years, I have learned what foods to eat and what foods to stay away from - that will be a part of my life forever, unfortunately. But if you ask me, it's a fantastic trade off for feeling healthy.

In three weeks, I am going to run a half-marathon. This is unbelievably overwhelming and a huge accomplishment on so many levels. When I was diagnosed, I could not run for longer than a mile or two because it would jar my colon so much that I had to stop and run to the bathroom. I thought I would be deprived of doing one of the things I loved to do most in this world. Take that colitis and p.s. you can suck it!

I find myself getting upset with people who take their health for granted - people who have the ability to exercise and maintain their health, but chose to make excuses as to why they can't. I have little sympathy for that. I've become jaded in that regard and I'm afraid it's something I'll never get over. I get upset with family members who know I have this disease, but don't take the time to really understand what it's about and how hard my life has truly been for these five+ years.

On June 4, at 7am, I am running not just for me, but for all the people out there who suffer from some sort of disease that they feel they have no control over. And the people who will be there cheering me on are the people who have held my hand and seen me cry because I had almost given up hope of conquering this monster. I am most grateful for those handful of people.

Dear Piper,

2010-10-18T13:12:00.004-05:00

On May 27, 2005, at 11:55am, you came in to this world with a purpose - at least I think that's what all that crying was about. When you could understand what I was saying to you, I asked you if you remember being born. You said wholeheartedly, "Yes!" How smart are you, so very young! I thought, ok I will push a little further, I said "Oh really, what were your first words when you were born. You said, "Hi Momma, I love you." Dang kid, why do you know just what to say?

I was never the type of person that necessarily wanted kids. I was kinda indifferent on the whole subject, plus I was really impatient and selfish. That + kids = disaster! I then married your daddy who had two kids before you were born. I thought, I am raising two kids that aren't mine by birth, so why not try for one of my very own?

While I was pregnant, I was anxious to see you - but not so much I couldn't stand it. I was more irritated that you were slowing your Momma down and I could not do the things I normally did - like never sit down unless I am sleeping or eating.

Then the doctor (who by the way was easy on the eyes) placed you in my arms and I was DONE. You had my heart and soul from that moment on. You were crying and the minute your skin touched mine, you were silent. Like you were saying, "thank God I finally got to see you in person, it's really boring in that dark place. By the way, who is that bald guy standing next to you, surely he's not my Dad?" Yes, Pipes, he's your Dad and he loves you almost as much as I do.

The first several weeks of your life were ROUGH. You had colic and would cry from 9pm til 2am. It was brutal and exhausting and I truly did not know if I could make it through another day. It got so bad that your Mimi almost took you to the hospital, you were screaming so bad. That was the night I will never forget, the night I looked at you laying on the couch screaming and I said "Please Piper, stop crying - I am so flipping (I cussed there) tired of it!"

Mimi rescued me, and I cried all the way to the bedroom and crashed from pure frustration and exhaustion. But you know what? The next morning I woke up and loved you just the same if not more.

Everyone in my family, especially Mimi, was scared to death that I could not do this "Mom thing". And for a brief while, I was not sure I could either. But after you got out of the colic stage, I took to being a Mom like it was nobody's business. I loved it and love it more and more every day.

You are my daughter in almost every way. Besides the looks (you did not have a prayer in that area, sorry sister), you are the miniature version of me. You are shy around new people but curious at the same time. You are grouchy in the morning with everyone but me and I completely understand that. You hate when all the attention is placed on you, but people can't help but gravitate towards you. If you can't do something well the first time, you rarely try it again. You have a mind of your own and I often find myself apologizing to others for something that you have said that could be taken the wrong way. You are rarely affectionate unless you want something or are tired or hurt - but you have to sit right next to me when we are in the same room. You are a perfectionist and it bugs you when you color outside of the lines. You are a momma's girl through and through - even though you joke with me and say you are a daddy's girl.

You are wonderful and beautiful on the inside and out and I will never be able to tell you how much I love you and what you have done for my life in this short five years.

Recently your little world has been turned upside down with your Dad getting married and Rob and his kids moving to Oklahoma. I was petrified of how you would take all the change. I thought you would be jealous that you were having to share your time with Mom. Oh boy, little girl, I was totally wrong.

You have taken everything in stride and have blossomed into a young lady who shares and is always in a good mood. You are the best out of all the kids - including your Momma and Rob. And I don't just say that - I am completely 100% serious. You are a rock star, Piper Ryan!

I would like to say that your Dad and I have something to do with this - that we have raised you to be this person that everyone finds joy in being around, but truly I believe this is all your doing.

You are amazing in every sense of the word and I am honored to be the one that God chose to be your Mom. And yes, you call me Mom now - not Momma. I am still working through that. Thank you for blessing my life and making me smile and laugh EVERY SINGLE day. You are my life, my best friend and my favorite person in the whole wide world.

I love you.

Love~Momma

Home Improvements

2010-10-05T13:40:00.003-05:00

On December 31, 2009, I purchased a fabulous home for me and Piper. It had been a long haul up til then. I lost a total of 5 houses - 6 if you count the one I tried to get a second time - because I was either outbid or someone offered cash for the house I was trying to buy. It was an exhausting and frustrating process and I had all but given up. I was actually close to just renting again for a year and starting the whole process over after I had time to regroup from the loss of SO MANY freaking houses.

I told my realtor this - who now happens to be a great friend of mine - and she understood. Then a week later she called and said she wanted me to look at just ONE MORE house and then she was done pestering me. I thought what the hell, I've got nothing to lose and if I had to stay another month with my step mom I was going to go insane. Picture someone that never shuts up, offers her opinion too much, complains that she is overweight while eating a bag of potato chips and then take that times ten. You have now met my step mom!

Side bar: I seriously hope I am never that type of stepmother, because if this happens I give my family full authority to commit my ass to the nearest institution AND you don't have to pick the hairs out of my chin when I get old (YOU ARE WELCOME, MOM!).

When I walked into this house, the heavens opened, trumpets started to play and God spoke personally to me and said these exact words, "Hey, you whiner, this is why you lost all the other houses, stop being grouchy and for Pete's sake this time make a full price offer!" I think he may have cussed too, but I can't be for certain because I was still lifting the bottom of my jaw off the NEW carpet in the living room.

This house was perfect, almost too perfect and really too big for me and Piper. It was 4 bed/2.5 baths and it was a foreclosure. I had to have this house and I was actually in the perfect position to play the "government owned" game because I lived with my parents at the time and could get in as soon as or as late as they needed me too. Remember what I just told you about my step mom? I preferred the sooner option. Just sayin'.

After many months of playing the foreclosure game, I got the house. My house. The first thing I did was paint Piper's room and fixed it up just the way she wanted it. Since then, I have been doing little things to it - mostly painting and decorating until recently.

Rob and I got this crazy idea to redo the kitchen. The dishwasher I had shot craps and ruined the wood floor, so I had to get a new dishwasher and flooring, so we thought why not remodel the kitchen the way we want it. And the way someone else would want it when it came time to sell the house for something bigger down the road.

Now I will be TOTALLY honest with you, I did not want to start another big project. My past experience with men and remodelling - ahem, ex-husband - was an awful experience. Whenever we would do a project and he told me how long it would take, you could take that amount of time times three and that's when the project would be done. Well, at least 90% done. I am not for sure we ever finished a project all the way through without something not quite being complete. In fact, a stove sat in the middle of our kitchen for close to a week before my step dad took pity upon me (because I was all but in tears and I don't cry people) and hooked it back up so I could cook again. Because a person needs a stove with a NINE MONTH OLD BABY!

Rob and I started with the back splash and it went well, but I was still a skeptic. I thought, he's just showing off, he's gonna lose steam soon and once again I will have a kitchen that is only half way down. Holy moses was I ever wrong. That man's a machine. And not just in getting the job done, he actually does it right, it doesn't take forever and the end result is a whole lot of FABULOUS!

Ladies, I'm keeping him. Don't even think about trying to steal him. Plus, he's "country" and wears mesh shorts and ripped t-shirts daily - it would annoy you too. Hi, Number 8!

As I type this, he is busting his butt to get the wood floor done in the dining room before he has to go to work at 4pm. This is yet another lesson I have learned - that people can surprise you on a daily basis and when someone truly cares, they go out of their way to show it. And never expect one thing in return.

I feel lucky once again to be given a second chance at love and this time I am playing for keeps.

34

2010-09-27T11:52:00.002-05:00

Today (at 4:30pm) I will turn 34-years-old. 34, can you believe that? I am almost MID THIRTIES! All my life I have been a year younger than my friends. I was one of those kids that started school when they were 4 because of the way my birthday fell. I guess my mom thought I was wise enough to start early - or she was just sick of having me at home and wanted me gone. I am thinking the latter is the correct answer.

My teens were plagued with bad relationships and horrible insecurities. I never felt good enough or like I was bringing any joy to those around me, namely myself. I had very few true friends and at the time that really bothered me. I wanted to be the girl that had tons of friends - that people were drawn to because of my outgoing personality. And the funny thing about that statement is that I was captain of the cheer leading squad - so an outgoing personality was a must.

I guess in some ways I had that personality, but damn it was hard to be that way all day long - exhausting actually. I am really an introvert that acts like an extrovert. And to tell you the truth, I hate when people stare, look or attention is drawn to me. So, maybe it was good I had few friends!

College is really when I started to break out of my shell. I was a part of a sorority and had tons of friends - inside and outside of the sorority. I was free to date whomever I wanted and just had an overall blast - and, ahem...my grades may have shown that first semester. Sorry Mom!

But in my twenties, I still had insecurities - maybe more so than in my teens. I was surrounded by beautiful people from different states and parts of the world. It was hard to keep up with that. I wanted to be that natural beauty that did not have to work hard at being "a certain way".

It wasn't until I turned 28 that my transformation started. And I don't mean my looks either. I mean the internal side of me. I was married and getting ready to have Piper. Now, I did not like being pregnant and I was not one of those Mom who fantasized about this life growing inside me. I am just not mushy like that. Sorry folks. I was excited to have Piper, but I did not feel beautiful nor did I have that pregnancy "glow".

Then I had Piper. End of story. There was something about having her and the moment they placed her in my arms that I felt my life was complete. It was no longer about what I looked like on the outside, it was about being the best Mom I could be - no matter what. I took to being a Mom like a duck to water. It was amazing. My Mom still to this day wonders what happened to her selfish, insecure daughter!

It's that day that changed my life forever. The insecurities I had started to fade away and I actually started to feel beautiful. And I needed to feel that way because I had a daughter that needed to see her Mom feel good about herself and be an example to her as she grows up, because let's face it, there is NOTHING fun about being a female and growing up in today's society. We are at such a disadvantage from what TV and magazines tell us to look like. It's unfair and at times cruel.

I have not dreaded one birthday since I was 28. With each birthday that passes, I feel more blessed and at peace than the year prior. My thirties have, without a doubt, been the best years of my life. I don't worry about what people think of me or what I wear when I step out of the house. If people don't like it, they don't have to look. Actually, PLEASE DO NOT look. Thank you very much.

Now, I would be lying if I said I never have bad days where I feel "fat" or just plain unattractive. But here's the difference, I am smart enough to know that I am being ridiculous and that the day will pass and tomorrow when I wake up is a new day. And that no matter what, I am surrounded by people who love me with all their heart and see me as beautiful EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Thank you to my friends and especially my family, I love you more than I could ever say. And happy 34th birthday to me - BRING ON 35!

25 Things You May Not Know About Me

2010-09-14T13:21:00.002-05:00

I consider Piper my best friend.
I have OCD with cleanliness - especially my house.
If someone moves a picture or object in my house, I will find it immediately and move it back to it's proper position.
I love working out.
I will never believe my body is where it needs to be physically.
I am considering writing a children's book on blended families.
I am not a morning person.
I would love to write greeting cards for Hallmark.
I have a fear of public speaking.
I am an introvert who outwardly portrays that I am an extrovert.
I am scared to death to get married again.
I can't stand people who are negative.
I am engaged to a man who treats me better than I have ever been treated and that makes me uncomfortable.
I am moody.
I dislike scary movies.
My favorite show is Biggest Loser.
I would love to become a yoga instructor - just for fun.
I want to own a Subway within the next 5 years.
I am addicted to Craigslist.
I take medication for anxiety and swear by it.
I have an annoying habit of telling people how little I paid for an outfit when they tell me they like it.
My family is the most important thing in the world to me.
I dislike talking on the phone - I would rather text.
I would love to have another baby, even though I say I don't want to.
I am determined to raise my daughter to know that she is beautiful on the inside and out and she will always be my most favorite person in the world.

Always Optimistic

2010-09-02T11:07:00.004-05:00

I remember when I was a younger (probably early high school years) and I was always complaining about something hurting or just life in general. BECAUSE that's what you DO when you are a TEENAGER! One day my Mom bet me that I could not go a week without complaining about something. I thought, how dare you say something like that to me! I will take that bet and win hands down.

People, I think that was the hardest bet I ever took. The beginning of the week was torturous. When I wanted to say something negative, I had to mentally and pyhsically (hands over my mouth) stop myself from saying it. By the end of the week it got a little easier, but I still had to REALLY work on it. And on the LAST DAY of the bet, I lost - by a technicality, mother!

At the time, I thought it didn't not matter that I lost because I was not a negative person. But here's the funny thing about that. Even though I was not a negative or down person (so I thought), that was not how other people perceived me. It was not just what I said to be down or negative, it was my actions as well.

I've said this before, but when I moved out of Mark and my house in August 2008, I was a new person - a work in progress - but a new, improved person. And for a long time I struggled with what made me truly happy. I lost myself and that's not a fun road to be on. But here's what I found - nobody could make me happy but me. I could not draw my energy or happiness from others. I had to find it within myself.

That meant focusing on me and to tell you the truth, being a little bit (or a lot bit) selfish. When I finally let go and realized that, the results were amazing. Some of the most fun times I had was just sitting by myself and doing nothing. I had to "unlearn" all the negative traits I had carried from the previous years and "learn" to take life as it comes - one day at a time.

I have been truly happy for the past couple years, and I have not been down one time. Of course I have good days and bad days, everybody does. We are human. But here's the difference, when I have bad days, I ALWAYS remember that tomorrow is a new day and I have way too many good things in my life to let one bad thing get the best of me.

I'm a fighter and I have been a fighter all my life - it's just recently that I figured out what was actually worth fighting for and what was worth letting go. I refuse to let someone bring me down. I refuse to always be the strong one in a relationship and I refuse to "give myself away" (thanks Mom).

So if there are people in your life that suffer from depression or being down - as a true friend, the best thing you can do is be open and honest with them. Don't sugarcoat it for the sake of feelings. Sometimes it's hard to see what's wrong with yourself and why you feel the way you do. It takes an outside perspective to make you realize there's a problem, but with time and unconditional support there's always light at the end of a long dark tunnel.

I'm a True Believer

2010-08-24T13:48:00.002-05:00

A little over twenty-five years ago I was playing in the side creek by our house in Agency, MO (population 432) when my Mom called me into the house. Now I knew I had not done anything wrong - this time - so I was not for sure why I was being called to come in so early.

She sat me down in a chair in the living room and told me that she and my Dad were getting a divorce. My first and obvious question was "Why?" She told me that she and my Dad just did not know how to fight fair and it was best they did not live together anymore. It's funny, because even at 8-years-old I knew what "not fighting fair" meant and as I look back on that day, I was no where near as devastated as most kids are when they hear that news. I guess in my mind I knew it was for the best, and I knew that as long as I was with my Mom, I felt safe no matter what.

Probably around the year mark of their divorce, my Mom started dating again. She went on several dates with men that just did not fit the bill. Can I tell you about the man that would throw pennies at me while we were watching volleyball games? I loathed that man. He thought he was funny and charming and all I wanted to do was take every penny ever created by man and jump them square on his head.

At the time my Mom was a banker and was doing very well at her job. She was being promoted and taking on new responsibilities - finally she was happy and confident and ready to take whatever life threw her way. And boy did life ever throw something her way. A man that initially made her cry after work and would test her knowledge at work on a daily basis. That man's name was Ken.

He had taken a job with my Mom's bank and was brought in to see if there were any processes that needed to be added, revamped or taken away all together - and my lucky Mom was one of the intelligent go to people. Little did she know the man that infuriated her would be the man she married one year later and now for almost twenty-five years.

I struggled having Ken in my life for longer than I care to admit. He was kind, soft spoken, a wonderful provider and the most patient man on the face of the earth. I disliked every single one of those qualities too, up until I was 15-years-old. I would only talk to him if I needed something - seriously, this is no exaggeration and he loved me through ALL of my bullshit.

There are so many things I could say about him, so many great things he has done for me and my Mom over the years. He has been the constant in my life when I felt like no one else has. He has treated me like his own daughter from the time he met me. He has never made me feel like less of a person and has always been the one I went to for sound advice and understanding. He is my hero and the love I have for him surpasses the love I have for any other man in my life. I could not imagine our lives without him and won't consider that an option until he is at least 99-years-old (maybe 98 if he tells me I am too skinny again).

Last week, Ken found out he has prostate cancer and he told us about it today. I was in no way prepared to hear that kind of news - people like him should be immune to things like cancer. God should look down on extraordinary people and say, "you see that man right there, the one that wears an invisible halo everyday, he should be exempt from any bad things that happens in this world."

And then I have a conversation with Ken today and I know why things like this happen to men like him. This happened to him because he has the courage, strength and faith to get through whatever life throws his way - including cancer. When I picked up the phone when he called (truth be told, I almost did not answer), he asked how I WAS DOING and wanted to apologize for the way I received the news that he had cancer (by email).

This is what I mean - he is always thinking of others before himself. He is always the strong one in our family and I just could not be more proud to call him my Dad.

He will beat this thing called cancer because he has to. We (me and my Mom) will give him no other option then to and believe me, we can be two of the meanest and most stubborn women you have ever met. Don't mess with us, buddy!

I love you all my heart, Dad. You bring normalcy and understanding in my life that I would otherwise take for granted. You are the best Dad that ANY girl could ever ask for. "Out of all the Dad's in the world, how did I get lucky enough to find the very best one."

The Letter K

2010-07-26T14:15:00.003-05:00

Can you remember all the dumb things you did as a teenager? All the stuff that should have either landed you in jail or kept you grounded until Senior Graduation? Goodness, I remember, but the sad part is I got caught. Like that one time when the cops brought me home at age 15 because I had been drinking and was stupid enough to take the breathalyzer when everyone told me "Don't do it!!" I thought I could beat that damn machine - boy, was I ever wrong. End result: grounded for a month.

Or the time I snuck out of the house to see my boyfriend and got caught. Little do they know I did it A LOT and only got caught once. Take that, mother! BUT, end result: grounded for a LONG time.

It's things like that, that I love to think about. It's who I thought I was at the time. It was a way to show my independence, a way to rebel - that's what teenagers are supposed to do for Pete's sake. They drive their parents crazy until they go off to college. Then they slowly mature and become fast friends with the parents they thought were their enemies in the first place. I am so thankful that I was able to be a teenager and do the dumb things I did. I'm also glad I had parents who loved me regardless of what I did - loved me ALWAYS, but may not of always "liked" me (as my mother would say).

When I reconnected with Rob, I had the pleasure of meeting four of the best kids in the world. Kids that are respectful, well-mannered and have the biggest hearts. They owe all of those qualities to their father. He is the exact same way and I am so thankful for that everyday.

But there is one that has touched my heart the most. One who, in many ways, reminds me of myself and in the same breath reminds me nothing of myself when I was her age.

Kaylan is 14-years-old going on 24-years-old. She is wise beyond her years and one of the most beautiful people I have ever had the pleasure of getting to know. She is more mature than most adults I know. She is not your typical teenager by any standards - except her adorable looks, the cute way she dresses, her plethora of converse shoes and the cell phone that is constantly connected to her hand.

All her life she has had to play the role of an adult and to me, that's just not fair. But, honestly, she had no choice. That was the life she was born into whether she wanted to be or not. And you know what? She has taken that life and made it into something extraordinary. She is so intelligent, has a ton of friends, siblings that adore her and a father that considers his daughter his best friend. That, in my book, is quite an accomplishment for a 14-year-old.

It's people like K that make me step back and appreciate all my parents did for me growing up. I lead a life that was "easy" by so many standards. I did not have to work to live or work to get the clothes I wanted, they were given to me. I was so lucky (and selfish).

K's with me this week, after a really bad weekend with her Mom, and I am thrilled she is here. There are so many things I want to do with her this week - but I keep forgetting, soon they will all be here on a permanent basis and I will have plenty of time to do the things her own mother would not do with her.

What I want most out of my relationship with K is for her to know what it feels like to be loved by someone who wants nothing in return from her. Someone who understands she is a teenager and she is going to screw up and actually "do dumb teenager things" and I will still love her the exact same. I want her to stop worrying about being the adult and actually start to live her life the way she should have been for SO MANY years.

I think this will be hard for her to do because that's who she was raised to be - and I would never want to change that or take that away from her. Her life has made her the AMAZING young lady she is today and I could not feel more blessed to have her in my life.

In a way, I feel like K was brought into my life to provide me a second chance at appreciating life for what it really is - fragile and beautiful all at the same time. I love that little girl like she was my very own and I truly hope she feels that love from me everyday because I have 14 years of loving to make up for that someone did not provide to her.

It's Never Been Me

2010-07-21T14:56:00.003-05:00

Growing up, I was raised primarily by my mother - a VERY intelligent and independent woman. And my mother, well she was raised by an equally intelligent and independent woman - my Grandma Margaret. Do you get where I am going with this? It's a generational thing and independence flows through every single ounce our bodies. So, isn't it fitting that I have a daughter who is the exact same way?

I was never the type of girl that got emotional about things or all girly. And still to this day I feel like I have a heart that is half made of steal and half made of a mix of - well, I have no idea what. A little bit if stubbornness? A little bit of pride? All great attributes in my book! Right?

I don't get emotional with goodbyes and hardly ever cry at movies. It's just who I am. It's who I was raised to be. I hardly ever saw my Mom cry; she says she cries at the drop of a dime. What I remember most is her keeping her shit together when everything around her seemed to be falling apart and I could never appreciate that or truly understand what that must have been like until I was older and had to go through the same thing.

I guess at times I feel this hardness or independence is more a curse than a blessing - because there are times that the people I love THE MOST are going through a tough time and I want to know what that truly feels like. The feeling of having a bad day because you miss someone so much that you physically hurt. And nothing anybody can say or do will make it better. And you won't feel better until you are with the one person that makes everything feel right.

I think my role now is to be supportive and listen and make sure that this person knows that I am there - more than you know. That this time I will be the strong one because he has spent his whole life being the strong one. And he is well overdue a break from being the one that holds his shit together when he doesn't want to or doesn't have the energy to. I'm there. It's your turn to just let it all out.

I love you and miss you. And there's a bag of chips waiting for you.

Support

2010-07-19T11:49:00.002-05:00

So much has happened in my life and I guess I don't exactly no where to start. Great news, exciting news, overwhelming at times news! I'm getting married - to the most wonderful man a woman could ask for. Does that sound cliche? Yup. But, is it true? Yup.

We have received nothing but support from our friends and family - well, almost everybody. Do you ever have that one friend that doesn't support what you are doing, but you love them none-the-less? I do and will continue to have him in my life - until he decides I can't be in his anymore. That may happen sooner than I think and I am prepared for that. Not happy about it, but prepared for it.

It's funny, because he reminds me of all the reasons I never wanted to get married again. He's one of my best friends (who at times appeared to be more than that). We fought like we were dating and never actually dated. We argued and when we did, we did not do it in a healthy way. And that's never good. Every relationship I have been in has been like that - and the crazy thing about it is, I craved it. How sick is that? I thrived on the chaos and all that came with it.

And the end result? I won't do it anymore. I can't - mentally and physically. The end. So if it ends, I will let it go. But I will forever love him and the things he helped me get through. I am indebted to him forever because of the support he gave me when I needed it throughout my divorce and even after that.
______________________________

They say when you find that person you want to spend the rest of your life with you just know. How does one know? And is there more than one person out there for you? I think the answer to the question is yes - BUT there is a huge BUT. People come in and out of your life for a reason. I would never change the fact that I married Mark. He gave me a beautiful baby girl and some of the best times when things were on the uphill swing. He is truly a great person and good father to our daughter. That in my book is all that matters.

When I reconnected with Rob (my fiance!!) I never thought it would end like this - SO FAST! We have talked since late last year and finally got to see each other after months of talking in April. The instant he walked off that plane and through those doors I felt relaxed and safe with him. He looks at me like I am the only person in this world that he wants to look at. When we talk or have a "discussion" he is open and listens to my opinion. To him, it matters what I say and feel. I've never felt this kind of support before and the feeling is just incredible.

He accepts me in the mornings people and let me tell you - It's NOT pretty in the morning! I am a grouchy mess and do not like anyone (except Piper).

He makes me happy all the time and calms me when I need it most. He also leaves me alone when I need it most. The term is called "me time" and every woman on my side of the family needs it - it's genetic. I swear.

Although we won't get married for awhile, I still love knowing that he is the man I will wake up to and will love me with no make-up on, grouchy, saggy, if I put on weight...the list is endless. He completes me in a way I feel I can never return to him - but I look forward to trying for the rest of my life.

Random - Could be writers block?

2010-06-28T14:11:00.002-05:00

When I first started this blog, I had no problem coming up with things to write about. This could be largely due to the fact that my life was drastically changing and my mind was flooded with too many thoughts at one time.

This past weekend I went to the lake with my wonderful, yet somewhat crazy family. It's a yearly thing that we do. And each year before I go, I self-medicate and mentally prepare myself for the adventure that is ahead of me. You may ask why? Well, with my family one of two things can happen. Things can go somewhat smoothly with a few bumps in the road, or things can end badly - think train wreck, ending with drunken yelling until 3am in the morning. We may be slightly white trash in that respect, but I would not trade ANY of them in. Well, maybe Matthew - but that's just because I like to torture him. He is my older brother after all. Isn't that what a sister is supposed to do?

This year went smoothly with only a few minor bumps. Minor bump #1: My step dad calling me anorexic 5 different times. This finally ended with "the look" from my mother. Funny how that look affects him, but has NO affect on me or Piper. I believe that's called payback, Mother. Ha ha, take that!

Minor bump #2: My 16-year-old nephew got a bacterial infection in his eye and the PAIN, oh the PAIN he endured because of it was in a word - PAINFUL! Can you sense the sarcasm people? I hope so. Now, I understand that it hurts, but come on. I give him this, he is a teenager and teenagers are like this. I was, in fact, like this I am sure. I am still not sure why I am alive to be typing this because of the royal pain in the ass I was. Maybe it was because every so often I would say something sweet or not stomp down the hall and slam my door every five minutes? Or maybe it was because my Mom knew one day the torture I ensued on her would come back to bite me on the ass (a.k.a. my beautiful, temperamental daughter Piper). Ya, Mom - YOU WIN! Can we call a truce now?

We ended the weekend go-carting and bumper boats, as an entire family. And the end result was a blast! I don't think I have laughed that hard in a very long time. Let me tell you about these bumper boats, because they are not like the ones when I was little. They have sprayers on the front of them and I am not kidding you, before I even got untied to float in the water, I was soaked! WTF, people? It was all out war in our family and we took no prisoners. Even my pleas of "I have a baby in my boat!" did not work. Thus, Piper was soaked too. It was the longest 5 minutes of my life, but probably one of the most fun times too. In fact, I think at one point my step dad and I looked at each other and said, "When the f$%# is this going to be over?!" as we are laughing hysterically and wiping the water from our eyes, face, hair...you name it, it was SOAKED!

Here's the thing with my family - although we may be vastly different in many ways, we still love each other dearly. No matter what, we have each others back and it's times like this where I am so proud to be a part of such a wonderful group of people.

And soon we will add five more wonderful people to the mix of all the insanity and madness. I hope their ready, because they will be greeted with open arms and a little bit of crazy mixed in. I can't wait!

What If?

2010-06-01T16:10:00.002-05:00

What is it about me and the inevitable "What If?" dilemma. All my life, the relationships I have been in have, well for lack of a better term, totally sucked. I always chose the wrong men (boys). Always. It was like I had this stamp on my forehead that said "If you are needy or a jerk, I'm your gal!" WTH?

I wasn't raised like that. I had a wonderful father figure in my life (my step dad). He treated and still DOES treat my mother with the utmost respect and I could not love him anymore for that. She is the first thing he thinks about in the mornings - her grouchiness and all - and the last thing he thinks about at night. He treats her like she deserves to be treated and will til the day he dies.

My relationships have been the opposite - just an absolute emotional mess. I have been torn down - only to build myself up, to be torn down again. Now, this is not a pity party - it's lead me to be the person I am today and I happen to think that person really isn't half bad. And of course, I could be my own worst critic. Nah, not me!

The first "real" relationship I had where I was loved the way I deserved to be loved all along was a man named Steve. He was wonderful - kind, caring and loved me like I had never been loved before. At first it was wonderful and then after the newness wore off, I hated it. And I could not for the life of me figure out what I hated about it. He was WONDERFUL! My God, what more did I need?

I broke Steve's heart in a million pieces and left Michigan with him crying. And you know what my response to that was? Aw, he'll get over it. What a total witch I was. And by the time I figured out what the hell I did, it was too late. He had finally gotten over the hurt I caused him - forgave me - and moved on. And to this day, I am sad but SO glad he never took me back because I would have done it again.

I met Mark and thought he was the next Steve. He loved me almost immediately. He was a free spirit and just appeared to love life. I loved that about him and thought we were a lot alike. I was wrong, so wrong - but now I do consider him to be a good friend of mine. It took awhile, but we are there and I am happy we can be friends for the sake of our daughter.

Now, dare I say that I have met a man I consider to be even better than the man whose heart I shattered? Yes, I am going to say that, even though the thought of saying that scares the shit out of me (sorry, Mom for cussing). And what's the feeling I am feeling right now? One of panic - sheer panic. I am overwhelmed with the emotion again that I am not good enough to be loved like that. And if he continues to love me like that, I am going to self-destruct. It's me, that's what I do and I SUCK for doing that.

I want to be the woman that feels like she deserves this kinda love - that should have had this kinda love all along - not the crap I had that made me jaded in the first place. It's taking everything I am to stay in the moment and believe in this person who adores me and my daughter.

I think the scariest thing for me is that I don't feel like I am giving him the love he deserves in return - he would TOTALLY disagree with me. I can't cry when he leaves and I know I won't see him again for a month. I can't show any emotion but the strong Michele that says everything is going to be alright. I don't even feel like crying. It's awful and that's been me really pretty much my whole life.

I hate that and I want to start feeling like I deserve the love he is giving me. Because if I don't, I will never forgive myself for giving up on love again.

I Know A Man

2010-05-11T15:53:00.003-05:00

In the beginning of my separation to Mark (August 15, 2008, but who counting...ME!) I met many people that came and went in my life. Some wanted to get to know me better...ahem...a lot better and some were just fun to be around for the time being. I was so happy, yet so freaking jaded when I moved out, all I wanted was to take care of my daughter and when I did not have her, go out so I did not have to be by myself for long periods of time.

The whole "going out and being single thing" sucked after about 2 months. I mean, when you see the same people you saw prior to you being married - 6 years ago - and they are still out doing the same damn thing, you know somethings have got to change. So, I slowed down and started enjoying the fact that I was by myself and I had time to actually think about what was most important to me - MY happiness and Piper and her happiness.

You will notice that I put MY happiness first and that may seem selfish to some people. But, I learned this, my happiness has a direct effect on her happiness. So when Momma was happy, Piper was happy. And if you've never met my daughter, there is NOTHING in this world better than a happy Piper. End of story.

During this hiatus, a friend of mine introduced me to Facebook. At first I thought the concept was wrong. I mean I spent the ladder part of my life trying to forget the people that made me miserable when I younger - why on earth would I want to become friends with them again? And then it happened - I became addicted to Facebook and reconnecting with the people who did make me happy back then and people that make me happy now. And I even met a few new friends along the way. It's a GENIUS invention - there I said it. I WAS WRONG. Sorry to the makers of Facebook.

And then I "friended" a man that would forever change the way I viewed friendship. A man that I, in no way, ever would have met if it had not been for Facebook and the fact that we had the same employer. To be honest, he was very easy on the eyes, but had he not worked for the company I work at, I would have "ignored" him.

From the get go we had a ton in common and he made me laugh out loud on a daily basis. He was everything I wasn't and that fact really intrigued me. I thought, "he's a blonde surfer lookin' dude - oh hell, why not!" Apparently all my life, I gravitated to brunettes and LOOK WHERE THAT GOT ME (minus the beautiful baby girl I had).

We became fast friends and I visited him in Dallas, watched him play soccer and just hung out. It was fun, it was perfect at the time and it grew to one of the best friendships I have ever had. Whenever I was down, he listened to me, said exactly what I needed to hear at the time and never judged me.

There is something in him that I see that he has never seen in himself. He has the biggest heart in the world and would do anything for any of his friends, no matter what the consequences. He's just that amazing. I feel like I owe him so much more than I am able to give and that breaks my heart. BUT, I know this - the person that gets the opportunity to get to know the man I have known for a year and a half now will not only have the best friend she's ever had in the world - she will also have the most loyal life partner a person could ask for.

She out there and she's just waiting for you to sweep her off her feet - or maybe even vice versa.

Thank you, Jarett for EVERYTHING you have done for me. You have been the better friend in this relationship and I hope one day I can repay you for making me the person I am today. Luv.

It's been a long time comin'...

2010-04-22T10:12:00.002-05:00

Hello blogging, my how I've missed you. Remember me? I'm the chick that was going through a separation - followed by a divorce - followed by a "Praise the Lord, I am finally free!" and I have not looked back since. Ok, maybe I had one digression in where I thought I made a mistake, but then "said ex-husband" opened his mouth and I snapped back to reality.

I don't think I can decribe the feeling of the last year and a half. It's truly one of those things where you don't know how unhappy you are until you are completely out of the situation and reflect back on all you've been through.

There are many things I can and will blog about in the coming months - funny stories, house dilemas, work changes...but I'm going to start with the present day and work my way back. Work for you? Why am I asking? I'm gonna do it anyway, silly!

Yesterday someone I ADORE more than anything in this world (besides Piper), gave me this quote: "We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly." Is that not the best quote ever? And it speaks to me on so many levels.

You remember in the beginning of a relationship where you are almost blinded by what is fairy tale and what is reality? The feeling you get when you meet someone and they are perfect in your eyes and can do no wrong? I used to be like that. Please note: I just said USED to be.

I think the older I get the more I am a realist. I know that people have their faults and every person on this earth is far from perfect. I am EXACTLY one of those people who are far from perfect. I'm grouchy in the morning, lose my patience a lot, am addicted to coffee and working out, and will never see the beauty in myself that other people say they see. I guess you could say I am my own worst critic.

I promised myself when I started my next relationship I would not do the things I did when I met and dated Mark. I think to some degree I put a lot of pressure on myself to only show the "perfect" side of me and not the "real - good, bad, and ugly" side of me. And to tell you the truth it got exhausting fast. But I always wondered, how can I truly be myself when I meet that person? I will want them to really like me before I bring out my annoying quirks.

And then that question was answered and something funny happened. I met someone (again) who already knew the good, the bad and the ugly. Someone ,who throughout the entire time I have know him, supported me. Someone who I look at as my soulmate, "The One". How freaking cheesy am I? I am that girl who is gushing over a man. A silly, wonderful man who loves me NO matter what. A man that for the past 20 years has loved me unconditionally on some sort of level - starting with friendship. A man that continued to be my friend even when I dumped him when I was 14. And you know how I broke up? Had my best friend Steph call to break up.

I mean, that's what you do it when you are 14, right? LOL...

For once in my life I am at peace. It was a long road and I never would have made it if I did not make the decision that I needed to be happy for me, not for anyone else. When I made that decision, my life changed for the better and then you came into and made it complete. Thank you.

Did that really just happen to me?

2008-12-08T13:38:00.002-06:00

So to say I had an interesting weekend - namely Saturday - I think might be an understatement! Our friend Brett was in town and he is one of those guys who is a fabulous friend. He is from Tennessee and oozes Southern Charm. Something that I believe is severely lacking in Oklahoma, really everywhere these days. Jax and I met him out Friday and had a good time. There was no drama whatsoever.

Let me roll on to Saturday. We went to a sports bar in town and when I got there at 7pm, 90% of the bar was intoxicated. Now, you ALL know that unless you are drunk with these people, it is never a fun situation to walk into. Therefore, the only thing I could do was grin and bear it - and have a few cape cods.

Now, I talk about how I am an introvert all the time on this blog, but Saturday night I turned into an extrovert. I have tattoos (four to be exact). Three of my tattoos are small and one is large around my ankle. As my mother is reading this, she is trying to figure out in her head 1) where did she go wrong and 2) how much does it cost to remove those white trash things. Well, our waitress had an awesome tattoo and I asked her where she got it. We talked, she gave me a business card for the guy that did it and that conversation was done.

As the night progressed on, we moved tables and got a new waitress that was covered in tattoos, covered in them! I asked her if the ones on her neck hurt and she said yes. I told her the same about the one on my ankle. "Worse than child birth" was my exact answer. As we are talking, she starts to talk closer. That's ok, I guess because the bar was crowded. She then proceeds to ask my name and shakes my hand - just like a guy would if he was going to ask you out. I found it weird, but not that weird. Then after she leaves, Brett was all "Umm, you know she was hitting on you right?" And I'm all "Well not exactly?" He rolls his eyes, laughs hysterically and we move on to the next bar to meet up with some of his friends.

We get to this bar and I am sitting at a table carrying on a conversation with an attorney's wife. She is super nice - well that was until she asked me to go back to the hot tub with her and her HUSBAND? WTF is happening here? Then Brett proceeds to say, "I had no idea these people were swingers!" That probably would have been a good thing to know before I was being friendly to them.

People, do you see what happens when I come out of my introverted shell? I get hit on not once, but twice by chicks! Note to self: Being an introvert works best in ALL situations.

Traditions

2008-12-04T10:27:00.002-06:00

When I was a little girl, one of the things I looked forward to most in the year was decorating our Christmas tree. We lived in a big 2 story house with vaulted ceilings. So every year we got a HUGE tree. And people, I mean HUGE TREE. It was at least 20 feet tall and just as wide at the bottom.

It was such an ordeal each year because my Dad and brother would go out to get the tree, it would be tied up so they could drag it through the front door and the house would be covered in pine needles before it was even on the stand. This drove my mother crazy and I can remember her feverishly vacuuming those pine needles up - over and over again.

When the tree finally was in the upright and out position on the stand, it was time to decorate. It took forever to decorate that tree, but when we were done, it was all worth it. In fact, we were in the local newspaper several times because of how awesome the tree was. Now to some of you, that may seem lame - but when you are 6-yrs-old, that is pretty freaking cool! I remember when we took that picture in front of the tree. It was me and my brother with our two dogs and because the newspaper was obviously black and white, you could hardly see our dog Harry in the picture because he was gray.

When my parents got a divorce when I was 8, my Mom did a wonderful job at keeping those traditions alive for us. In fact, the first Christmas that they were divorced, my Dad came over to watch us open our presents and see our Santa gifts. As a kid, you do not realize how special that really is. All you know is there's a butt load of presents with your name on them and you CAN'T wait to tear into them all.

Since Mark and I split, I have tried really hard at keeping things normal for Piper. I would be lying if I said that I have been doing a great job every day. In fact, I think I fall short quite often, but the main thing is, I am trying and that is all I can do really.

Piper and I decorated our Christmas tree last night and we had a great time - well that was until she kept dropping the balls on the wood floor and they would shatter into a MILLION LITTLE PIECES. By ball three, Momma came close to losing it. Think gritting teeth and saying "Piper" through those teeth. But the point is, I started that tradition with her her very first Christmas - granted the first and second Christmas she could not do a whole lot. But this year she took to it like a duck to water and she was so proud of herself for decorating it. And the most important part, I was yet again so proud to be her Mom.

Holiday Ackwardness

2008-12-01T15:38:00.002-06:00

There are two very different sides of my family. There is my step dad's side of the family that consists of lawyers and bankers, then there is my father's side that consists of blue collar workers. Each side I would not trade for the world - well for the most part.

Piper and I spent Thanksgiving day in Lawrence, Kansas (GO HAWKS!) at my step dad's sister's house. Now God bless them, but they are stuffy for the most part. For dinner you have to come dressed in your Sunday best and be on your "A" game at all times. There are a few people, namely my mother and cousins, that buck the system and try to cause trouble every chance they get. That always makes for good times.

For example, we had to go around the kitchen and tell everyone what we are thankful for. Now, for those of you that do not know me, I am borderline introvert, so these types of things drive me crazy. I stew and stew over simply saying "I am thankful for my beautiful daughter, Piper." No idea why, but I am just getting more introverted as I get older.

My mother said she was thankful for her family, but later told me she wanted to say she was thankful that Easter was cancelled and we only had to do 2 Holidays this year with this side of the family. Nice! And you people wonder where I get it from.

Anyway, this was the first holiday without Mark and it was awkward. When we were taking pictures, I stood off to the side with no husband. Now that did not bother me so much. It was the "How are you doing?" "Is Piper adjusting well?" questions that about set me over the edge. I know people care or they would not ask, but sometimes people, it's just better to leave well enough alone. You know? And then when I say that we now get along better than we ever did married, the look of confusion on their faces is staggering! Yes, I get along with my ex - it has been a long road to hoe, but we get along perfect!

I actually spent some of the weekend with him because he had not seen Piper for a while and she wanted to stay with both of us. It was nice, we laughed and had a good time. Please note: We are not getting back together, we share a daughter whom we love dearly. The. End.

So the holiday weekend is over and all in all, I survived. Now if I can get through Christmas - that may be a miracle. Why is it that 3-year-olds find it necessary to say they want EVERY SINGLE THING that is on TV? If I tell Piper one more time "just wait for Christmas" - I may have to self medicate.

Nearing the End

2008-11-19T11:31:00.002-06:00

It's funny because when I started this blog I had so much to say - because of my situation at the time. Now as we are approaching the end of the "Divorce" my life has slowed down a ton and you know what, I am definitely ok with that!! But I feel like I do not have much "dish" to spill. I promise, I will try harder.

The only step I have left to do is attend a divorce planning thing that is MANDATORY when you have a minor child. It is 4 hours long and from what Mark told me, completely awful. I get the whole premise behind it, but really? Do I need to be told that I should never say bad things about my spouse - from an unknowing third party- to my daughter? Do I need to know ALL the statistics of what happens to a child of divorce? Nope, I do not. Thinking about that is enough to depress anybody.

My hope is that Piper will come out unscathed from all of this. I am a child of divorce and it was the best thing that happened to me and my family. There's just something about having a happy Mom and Dad in your life - even if it is on separate terms. And I may be biased, ok I am biased, but I think having a happy Mom is the most important factor. I am really happy with my life right now - I am comfortable with who I am and I think that shows through to Piper on a daily basis. I very much still love being a Mom - that is a "job" I will never get tired of. And who knows, maybe one day I will have another one - the possibilities are endless!

On a completely random note, I went to a Mary Kay party with Jax a few weeks ago and then hosted a party for the Mary Kay gal. Now, NOW, she will not leave me alone. She talks about how this is a great opportunity, especially going through a divorce and needing extra money, blah, blah, blah....Umm, lady I do not want to do it. I am not a salesperson. I like your product, now leave me be. Why am I so nice that I just can't say NO? Lord!! Any ideas of how to politely say "no, thanks?"

"And that's how we roll..."

2008-11-10T11:15:00.003-06:00

The weekend with the fam was exactly like I knew and hoped it would be. We had a great time and I think laughed the entire time we were there. Of course, my brother had to pull up my blog so my Aunt Jackie could read the post about her. At first I think she was offended, but as the weekend progressed and she realized that she really is a grouchy ol' woman - it made for good times! Really I think what made her the nicest was when she found out that Mark and I were splitsville. Funny, because that was the part I found the most humerous!

And she obviously did not feel that sorry for me because she still called me a bitch - at least three times an HOUR!

At one point in the weekend, I slipped and said "That's how I roll!" I got so much crap for this that it became the phrase of the weekend. I think it started when I told my Mom that she needed to get surgery on her eye lids. She thought I was being rude, I thought I was simply being polite. She said "Michele Renee, you little b i t c h!"

Now let me explain, my Mom is a beautiful lady. There was one time that we had a conversation about plastic surgery and she said that IF in fact she got plastic surgery it would be on her eyes to remove the excess skin on her lids. I asked her this weekend if she was still considering this. Much to my amazement she forgot about that conversation and thought I was putting her down. So for the rest of the weekend when we would talk to each other, she would raise her eyebrows and talk like she was a mummy. Good times people, good times.

We went to a Branson show on Saturday - the Chinese acrobats. Piper and I were going to leave at intermission, but that little girl liked the show SO much that we stayed until the bitter end. She was absolutely amazed with it all. We started off with popcorn, that she proceeded to spill all over the floor. Think popcorn...flying through the air...landing on the guy behind us...him giving me a what the ??? face...yup, I was that Mom.

After Piper got adjusted, the show started - her little mouth was open in amazement the whole show. After the break she decided to sit on my cousin Terrie's lap. Now 99% of the show plays loud music, but there is one part where it is dead silent (pin drop silent) as the guy puts two swords to his neck and pushes on them to bend them. 5 seconds into the silence, Piper being 4 people away from me, she yells "Momma, what is he going to do?" I look at her and put my finger to my mouth to say, "Shhhh, Piper Sams!" She is oblivious and says it yet again, only louder this time. "Momma, what is he going to dooooooo!!!" People laugh, my Mom says this is exactly what she prayed for all her life as payback for me and I slink down in the chair.

Halloween was good as well. Piper did the same thing she did last year. She was shy the first few houses, than a rock star at the rest of them. Next year she wants to be a witch, a cat and a dog. Not sure why or how we're going to pull that off!

Here is her outfit. Sorry, I had to "funk" it up with the hot pink converse. Princess shoes are so last season! :o)

Four Generations Collide - Heaven Help Us All

2008-10-31T09:41:00.002-05:00

Last year when Piper was two, we took her trick or treating for the first time around our neighborhood. She was a princess, of course - aren't all little girls that? We explained to her that we were going to go knock on doors and say "Trick or Treat" and then people would give us CANDY! Now my daughter is a VERY smart girl, too smart for her own good, but she just could not process that people were going to give her candy.

So we went to the first door. She buried her head into the crease of my neck and would not say a word. So, I grabbed the candy, apologized and said "Thank you, this is her first Halloween." We went to two more houses and she did the same thing. When I was ready to throw in the towel, she surprised the crap out of me, got down and rang the doorbell. When the person answered the door, she yelled "Trick or Treat!" The really funny thing about it was when we would go to other houses and she would just see the door (it was not even open yet) she would yell "Trick or Treat!"

This year Piper is going to be a princess yet again. This theory makes me sick to my stomach - I am not a frilly girl, never have been, never will be. I prefer jeans and pants to dresses and skirts.
My mother will say to me ALL THE TIME, "But Michele, you have such nice legs! I gave you those legs! You need to show them off more!" My response to my loving mother is "You also gave me these boobs and hips. Do you want me to show those off too?" Why that woman does not find the humor in that, I will never know. BUT I do thank her often for my skinny ankles!

Thanks Mom! You're the best!

My parents have a condo in Branson, so Piper and I are headed there today. We are going to trick or treat around that area. There are houses there that, God willing, will have candy. And if those said houses do not have candy, Papa Ken better come up with a good back-up plan. You got that Kenny?

My Aunt Jackie and Uncle Whitey will be there, along with my cousin and her husband. I love these people. I love them for the obvious reasons - because they are family - but I love them more because they are mean, hateful and remind me of why I am apart of this family. My Aunt Jackie is my Mom's older sister. And I do not think there has been a family event where she has not called me a bitch. Who does that? My Aunt Jackie! If you were to look in the dictionary and look up the phrase "Doesn't give a shit" my Aunt Jackie's face would be right beside it. She is by nature a fun, but grouchy ol' woman - my Mom is fun, but a grouchy woman - I am hilarious (at least I would like to think so), but at times can be grouchy - and my beautiful three-year-old is funny and part of it is because she is a grouchy little girl at times.

We come from a long generation of grouches, it's who we are and I would not want to be any other way then this. I also think Piper will be just as content with this - after all, her favorite story for me to tell her at night is the one my Mom told her several weeks ago - "The grouchy girls' story". Thanks, Mom, for telling her that one. Now I have to tell it EVERY night!!

Happy Halloween people!

She may be turning sweet again...

2008-10-27T10:42:00.002-05:00

I feel like it has been forever since I talked about Ms. Piper. Does that make me a bad Mom? I sure hope not!

This weekend I went out of town because it was Mark's turn to take care of Piper. I still do not like the weekends without my baby, but I am getting used to the fact that this is how life is right now. Each weekend without her is getting slightly easier than the last. I will never like it, but it is what it is and I am doing things for me - something I have not done in a long time. And my weekend was a blast! Yay!!

When I got back in town, Mark dropped Piper off to me. The door was locked, so I heard the constant ringing of the bell - knowing it was my silly 3-year-old. I opened the door and she was so freaking excited to see me. She gave me a big hug and looked at her Daddy like she was so proud to be with me.

Now to some of you this might not seem like a big deal, but IT IS because you have never met the little girl that is Piper. She is MUCH like her mother and only hugs and kisses when she wants to do it. You do not force her to do anything. It drives my stepmother crazy - but for my Mom and Dad, they understand fully because that's exactly how I was when I was growing up (and still to this day). She has many of these traits from me - I just do NOT want her to get my genes and get big boobs. She already has a bubble butt! A bubble butt and big boobs is NOT a good thing. It makes me want to commit myself to a home as I type this.

So, yesterday we went to the park and played because it was so nice. As we were playing in the ship at the playground, Piper said "Momma, you are so nice! You are not grouchy at all, I like that Momma!" Who says that? My silly daughter does. Then we got home and watched the Backyardigans and went to bed. As I was walking to the bathroom to get the Vick's for her chest, she said "Momma, I like your hair, and your face, and your clothes and your legs. When I'm a big girl, can I wear your clothes? And I like your shoes! Can I wear your shoes?!" I told her of course she could - but in my mind I was thinking, kid if you like my clothes when you are older either I am dressing WAY too young for my age or Piper has no taste at all. LOL! Either way, I was still flattered.

And you know that no day can go left without me throwing in something that brings my reality of a sweet daughter crashing to the ground. After she was sweet (when we were playing on the ship) she proceeded to say to me "Momma, shut your mouth." She did not say it mean, just very matter of fact. I asked her where she heard that from, praying it was NOT from me, and she said Daddy. "Daddy says that to bubba when he talks all the time!"

So last night, Daddy got a lesson on "using his words" in front of my sweet, sweet Piper.

I hope everyone's weekend went well! Poor Jax is still so sore, so I'm taking her to dinner tonight - if she is up for it!

I'm just as bad

2008-10-15T10:29:00.004-05:00

Last week I told Joy that she needed to blog because it had been a week. And looky here...its been a week for me as well. So sorry, Joy, for yelling at you!

Today it is rainy and cold. I want to sleep, but I am choosing to have my second caffeine fix instead. The time is 10:44 a.m. - not a good sign of willpower on my part. Oh well!

So a funny thing happened on my way to getting a divorce. I told you all before that I was going to give Mark the papers instead of him being served. You know, because sometimes I can be a nice person! My lawyer messed up and sent them to my home address instead of work. And because I just moved, the mail people will not put anything that will not fit in my mailbox on the front door. I understand why, but it is such a pain in the ass to go to the post office to get it. Not because it is a far drive, but because the post office is full of incompetent people - at least where I live.

So, I took my happy ass to the post office and stood in line forever - well it was 5 minutes, but that seems like forever to me. I get to the desk and said I needed to pick up a package that was unable to fit in my mailbox. The lady goes back to the holding area and comes back 10 minutes later with no package in site. She explains that she is new there and it may be some place back there that she is unaware of? Ok, whatever, just get me my damn package.

So she gets another lady to look and to no avail the package is still not located. Then as the second woman comes up to the desk area, it dawns on her and she says the following. "What is your zip code again?" And I tell her. She then proceeds to say - and people I could NOT make this crap up if I tried - "Oh hun, your mailman died unexpectedly and some of the mail has been lost. We are trying to sort it out, but it all just happened so fast - we're playing catch up!"

At this point I look around the post office because I'm positive I'm on candid camera and those film people are going to jump out at any minute. They did not jump out. In fact, the papers have still not been located. Now many people would say this may be somewhat of a sign that maybe divorce is not the best thing. And to those people I would lovingly say "Screw off!"

Don't read this if you have PMS

2008-10-08T10:54:00.003-05:00

As if I needed another reason to love my step dad. He sent me this today. Please note: if you have any kind of heart, you will cry. So, if you do not want to cry today - DO NOT READ THIS! If you are stubborn and read it anyway, I warned you!!

Sweetheart,
Emotionally, what you are about to go through is as tough as it was to make the decision to ask for the divorce. You have and you will constantly second guess yourself. You must trust your instincts and it helps to journal like you are doing with your blog. Some days you will feel great about it and other days, you’ll wonder did I do the right thing and feel terribly guilty about doing this. These are all the feelings I went through with mine and if any of these emotions are familiar, it just says you are normal. Probably the most important thing I remember is having a network of several people to talk to. I found myself constantly talking about it and several times to total strangers who were very supportive. After I spilled my guts to one guy, I kind of came out of my “rant” and was completely embarrassed and he said don’t apologize for that. It’s normal. Just remember to be there for the next person that is going through what you went through. Just be there to listen.

Both your Mom and I have been there and are there for you to not judge, comment or advise. We can just listen because you are hurting and talking about it will help get the hurt out. You need to find that network and maybe your church will have that support group.
I can guarantee you that time will make it all better. But in the meantime, he’ll be mean because he is a man, his ego is crushed, you don’t need him and he knows it . He knows he blew it but is too proud to ever admit that to himself or to anyone else.

He is human. And so are you and as much as you would like for him to say “I’m sorry”, my bet is that you will never hear him say it. So, let it go, be sad that the life that you had hoped to spend together and share didn’t happen. Grieve, be mad, yell, scream, curse, and then let it go. You will know when you are ready to be done being sad, mad and disgusted. You’ll find there are so many other good things for you and Piper to look forward to and enjoy. But you must go through all these stages of anger and grief and finally acceptance before eventually you will get to healing so you can go on with your life. And you can be in all three of these stages at the same time. It’s really confusing but, Sweetie, you’ll survive and always remember we’re here. Unfortunately, this is one thing, we can’t help or do for you.

But when we say we feel your pain, we really have.

I love you and let me know when you need to “rant” or just talk with someone who loves you unconditionally.

~Your Wanna be Dad.

That's all folks

2008-10-07T12:56:00.002-05:00

Before I start this post with the obvious, I need to say "hi" to my brother Matt. And he knows why I am saying hi to him too. Don't you Matthew Wayne!! Why do brothers feel that it is necessary to torture you through your adult years? I mean, can't we all just get along? Why can't we just share the macaroni and cheese? I offered to share the baked beans with you. It's not my fault you do not like them! And yes, I did eat two heaping bowls of homemade mac and cheese last night, just to piss you off. The end!

I met with the attorney this morning for all of 10 minutes and that cost me exactly $2000. Funny how this whole thing works. As I was reading the papers that show she will represent me, I read over one particular part where the retainer can never go below the $2000 mark. Am I retarded that I did not know this? I mean, I thought she got the retainer, used it til it was gone and then billed me if she needed more. NO. NO. NO. What this means is each time I see her or she does something for this divorce, I get a bill in the mail that says, "Hi, bend over, I need more of your money, the retainer you gave my firm means jack crap. Oh, and, by the way, have a nice friggin' day!"

We talked about the issues - which I already told you, there should be none? Hopefully people, fingers crossed. She also said that this could be done in 10 days, 10 days! What we have to do is sign a waiver (pending we agree) and bam, boom, it's through. I am never really this lucky, so I am not optimistic about the 10 days.

Oh, and by the way - I am still mad. I have not even talked to him for close to a week and still, I'm angry with him. Has not changed one bit. Not one.

Retainer

2008-10-03T12:02:00.004-05:00

This Tuesday I met with an attorney to over the details of getting a divorce. I am blindly going into this and really scared to death. She talked to me about my options and asked what factors were there in the case that needed to be addressed. I thought for a minute - factors? Well, really there are no factors that should hinder this case. It should be pretty cut and dry, right? I told her Mark and I agree on most everything - except the fact that I want primary physical custody.

For those of you who do not know what that means, it just says her physical address lies with me. So, she goes to school in the same school district we live, not his. And really, that's it. Mark does not like this and I am not for sure why - but, oh well. It is one of the million things I no longer understand.

Her retainer is $2000 and she is the lowest I have found. And, really, I have talked to 4 attorneys so far. Plus, she is super nice and very relatable. I think if she was not my attorney, we would be friends.

So, now that this is going on, I am really sad. Not sad because of the divorce itself - because I know it is the best thing to do - but sad that I feel like the last 6 years of my life have been a big fat fake.

Within the last week and a half, I have heard some disturbing things about the person I spent 6 years of my life with. They both involve him sleeping with his co-workers. One person is on his team and another person is much younger than he is. Much younger. He is old enough to be her Dad. I gave him the benefit of the doubt with the first rumor, but the second one I am having trouble letting go. And, it's not because I care if he did, because you know what - he is going to sleep with other people and get in relationships in the future. It's the fact that I don't believe him and the fact that he puts himself in these situations in the first place. He helped her move out of her house. Then on top of that, he took her home after work because she did not have a ride. Does this raise a red flag to anybody else but me???

Mark has always been a friendly guy, but he has always not known when the friendliness should end. He says, "it's not in my nature to not be nice!" My response is this, why don't you save some of that friendliness for your wife and stop being such a cocky prick? I have told him many times he is going to get himself in trouble because of this and this is proof positive I was right.

I am mad - he says I am a roller-coaster and that I have been all my life. That to me is very hurtful, VERY hurtful. If being emotional about my marriage ending and me not being able to see my daughter every day makes me an emotional roller-coaster, than so be it - I AM! And if having the wool pulled out from under you and no longer knowing the person you laid in bed with for so long makes me emotional, again - I AM!

The attorney asked me if I wanted Mark to be served or if I wanted to give the papers to him. I said, "please let me give him the papers". I still want it to be this way. Even though I am very angry with him for everything, at the end of the day I can still lay my head on my pillow and know that I took the high road in all of this. I am not so sure he will ever be able to do that.

A lady I work with asked me if we were getting a divorce and I told her yes. She said to me, "Michele, the best thing that you can do is forgive him." She was not talking about forgiving him and getting back together, she was talking about forgiving him and moving on with my life. I am trying, it is one of the hardest things I've had to do. It's a daily battle that I feel sometimes I am losing.

Tulsa Zoo

2008-09-30T10:42:00.002-05:00

Two weekends ago Piper and I went to the Tulsa Zoo. We had looked forward to this for a week and a half. Talked about the zoo all the time. "Momma, what animals will we see at the zoo?" "When do we get to go to that new store?" This is code for, I forget the name of the "zoo", please help me out here.

Two days before we went, wouldn't you know it, she got sick with a cold. She had not been sick forever. I do not even remember the last time as a matter of fact. So when she got up the day we were going to going, she had green stuff running out of her nose. Sorry if this is TMI for the "without children" readers, but for those of you with kids, you totally understand what I am saying.

I asked her if she wanted to go to the Zoo still or maybe we could go when she was feeling better. And if a three-year-old could cuss, it would have been something like this "WTF woman, I do not care if you carried me for nine + months and gained 23lbs, we are going to the f'ing Zoo whether you like it or not - so get your scrawny a$$ in the car! Oh, by the way, could you bring some tissue too, as well as some extra cash because I am getting ANOTHER stuffed animal."

Granted, she did not say that, but she wanted to. Needless to say, we went to the Zoo. It was hot and I was stupid and wore jeans. We saw the elephants, lions, tigers, polar bears, giraffes, zebras, etc...And you know what she enjoyed the most? The playground area. Ugh, the same playground area we have not 2 minutes from our house. Oh, and the merry-go-round. Is it just me, or does that thing make anyone else sick? We rode it twice and I had to convince myself I was not going to throw up - all while saying "Wow, this is so much fun!" That's what you do when you are a Mom, a.k.a. faking it.

Kinda like my Mom did when we played miniature golf. I LOVE miniature golf! Come to find out just a few years ago, she HATED playing it. I was just as devastated as the time I found out why they closed the bedroom door at night when I was younger. GROSS!!! Parents are NOT supposed to do that. Well, at least mine aren't!

Anyway, we went to the newest Zoo attraction called 'Feather Fest'. It is a big house full of parakeets. You pay $2 to get in and they give you a Popsicle stick with bird seed glued to it. When you walk in the bird house, the birds fly on your stick and eat the seed. It is the COOLEST thing. I think part of the reason I found it so neat is because Piper was a rock star in there. She had bird landing on her stick while she was walking and never jumped once. Me, I was scared to death at first - and, AND I got pooped on. Of course, she got the biggest kick out of that. Granted, it was pretty damn funny. But still - I got POOPED on!

So this leads me to my latest obsession - Parakeets. I want one. In fact, I want two - because then they would be companions. And I would have something to occupy my time when Piper is not there. Because you know what - I can't run all those hours that she is gone! Believe me, I have tried people!

Lesson Learned

2008-09-26T09:15:00.002-05:00

Let me offer up this piece of advice. NEVER buy running shoes off the Internet. Never. Please, I beg you. I did research on the last pair of shoes I bought (the ones that magically suck) and thought I was going to fly in those babies. And if you are a runner, this goes against everything we are taught by the way. I spent a GOOD amount of money on them. That's what you are supposed to do. The more expensive they are the better you run. Right?

Yesterday at lunch Jax and I went to DSW shoes and I was hell bent on bucking the system and get cheap running shoes. And....I did. I spent $50, that's all. And the end result? I FREAKING LOVE THEM. Ran last night like normal. Could it be the fact that I tried them on instead of looking at their picture on my computer? NAH! Ok, yes, I admit it.

Momma is back, well, kinda. At least during my run last night I did not almost pass out 5 different times, nor did I laugh at myself in the mirror. That's progress people!

I am going to try these babies out at the Zoo Run. It's only a 10k. That will help me judge if I can do the Tulsa Run. I am hoping I can. I am willing myself to do that. Heaven help me!

And thank you to Kat for the wonderful advice she gave me. I can't run in my old shoes because I threw them away (holes in them), but I WILL do that with my next pair.

AND tomorrow is my birthday, get excited people! Someone needs to be.

I blame it on the shoes

2008-09-25T10:17:00.002-05:00

So my training for the Tulsa Run sucks. I was successfully running five miles and working my way to six. I thought, you know what Michele, you are doing so good and the running shoes you have on your feet right now have holes on the side - go ahead and treat yourself to some brand new running shoes. Shoes that will make you skip straight from training through mile 6 all the way to 8. Just like that. Done, easy as pie.

So I got those magical shoes. And they magically suck. I have not run over 3 miles in two weeks. I can barely make it to 3 miles. They only reason I do is because there is a mirror in front of the tread mill and I laugh at myself, call myself names and will myself to that 3 mile mark. Yesterday for example I made it to 2 miles. Really? It was like I had never run before.

Maybe it is not the shoes, but I have to blame it on something, right? Could it be the fact that I am stressed? Or the fact that my soon to be ex-husband told me his kids feel rejected by me since I left? Really? REALLY? So....it's easier to blame it on the shoes. I think placing blame there is easier than living in the reality that is my life right now.

I have an appointment with an attorney this week to file for divorce. I am not going to kid myself into thinking that maybe one day he will change or become the man I fell in love with 6 years ago.

Pet Peeve

2008-09-24T13:42:00.003-05:00

I am a women full of Pet Peeves - but my #1 Pet Peeve is when people make me feel stupid. I hate that feeling. It sucks. That is all.

So what if it's my birthday

2008-09-23T13:39:00.002-05:00

I think when I was growing up - namely 16 through 30 year old - I looked forward to my birthday. Really, I thought the world should stop on September 27 and look at me, wish me Happy Birthday EVERY 5 minutes and then worship the ground I walked on. Yep, that was me. And, sadly, I did not think that was too much to ask.

What annoyed me growing up is I always wanted to be a different age than I was turning that year. When I was 16 I wanted to be 18 - so I could be a freshman in college. When I was 20 I wanted to be 21 for obvious reasons and so on. I always thought I would have a problem with 30, I mean 30 was SO OLD in my eyes. But really, 30 was great, one of the best birthdays I had. After all, I was married and had a beautiful baby. There was not a whole lot more I could ask for.

For those of you who are 30 or more, what is it about your 30's that make you mysteriously not care anymore? By "not caring" I mean, things that bothered you in your 20's suddenly seem so retarded when you are in your 30's. In my 20's I would never go out of the house without make-up or my hair done. I would never miss the gym. I would never miss a night out with my friends, nor a night to meet the man of my dreams - AT A BAR...end of story. I am also more comfortable with me. Granted I still have some body issues, but what woman does not!?

Please note: if someone puts a comment on this blog that says they do not have body issues, I will hunt you down.

Tonight I'm going to meet my friends at a Mexican restaurant for some drinks and lots of chips and salsa. I CAN'T WAIT! Most of my friends now are married and have kids close to Piper's age. And if they did not bring their kids, it just would not be the same. I love to see them. I especially love to see the guys interact with their kids. To see men turn to mush with their daughters is adorable.

I will be 32 on Saturday. I think 32 will treat me as well as 31 has. Granted, it was not the best year of my life, but I can tell you it was not the worst year either - by far.

What was your favorite age?

Locked

2008-09-18T13:57:00.002-05:00

So, I guess some of you have noticed that my blog has been locked. It's because Mark found out about it from people at work that somehow found it. Who goes hunting for blogs? Therefore, I locked it to read through my posts and you know, they really were not that bad. They were honest and true to what I was feeling when I wrote them. And I still agree with them to this day.

Everything I wrote, I have said to Mark in some version or another. And yes, there are two sides to every story - but this is my blog and my version is the correct one. Dang it!

So here's where more honesty comes in. When I open this blog back up, I know that he will be given the address to read through everything that has been said. And I am ok with that. Will he agree with what I have said, I am sure he won't. Will he not talk to me for a while, maybe - but I doubt it.

So I will say here what I have wanted to say to him for a while, what I have tried to say but unfortunately I write better than I talk.

Mark, I know that it may not seem like it at all, but I still care deeply for you - but I no longer understand you. When we met, you were this easy going, and most of all, CARING man. You would do anything for anybody (namely me) and I loved that about you. When you told me that you did not know if you loved me nor wanted to be married to me - I was shocked. I still am very much shocked. I'm angry with you and have been for a long time. I can't get over that emotion and I do not know why. It drives me crazy. I left because I believe that I deserve better from you and you will never be able to give that to me because you do not think you need to change. You are the only person throughout our friends and family who does not see that.

You haven't cried or showed any kind of emotion about this whole thing. It's like you are thinking "well there goes marriage two down the drain, oh well."

I think what makes me the most mad is that I know inside you are a very good and caring person. And I see it from time to time still. I also know that you are not happy with yourself and what you have become. It's like you are trying to prove to everybody how different you are by getting your tattoos, shaving your arms, head and watching your UFC (I could go on and on) when the fact is you were great the way you were 6 years ago.

The only thing I am certain of right now is we share a beautiful and very smart 3-year-old. And I will forever love you because of that. I refuse to let my anger get the best of me and I refuse to not parent the best way I know how because we are no longer together. I do not know what the future holds for either one of us, but I do know that I wish you the best in whatever you do because you deserve that in your life.

And now my mother is throwing something across the room or maybe at the computer to make this post go away.

Could Not Be More Opposite

2008-09-11T12:07:00.003-05:00

I have really only talked about my daughter, Mom and step dad on this blog. So I feel it is time to torture another one of my family members. I have an older brother Matt. He just turned 38 years old. He is married to Diane and has a son Jordan (my handsome nephew) from a previous marriage.

It took my Mom and Dad a while to get pregnant after they had Matthew. When my Mom finally did get pregnant 5 years later, my sweet, sweet brother prayed for me. He will deny this or say something like this - "I did not pray for you Michele and even if I did, I was young, dumb and take it all back!" I love my brother dearly. He is the nicest guy in the world, but he really sucks as a brother. I mean who pushes their own sister down the stairs, pulls her arm out of socket and keep her head under water until she is half comatose? That would be my brother Matthew.

When I was young, I was scared TO DEATH OF EVERYTHING! On Christmas Eve I would sneak into my brother's room and sleep in his bed because I was scared Santa was going to come into my room and stare at me or take me back to the North Pole with him. As if! Matt had this Incredible Hulk poster right next to his bed and if his little sister was going to torture him and sleep in his bed, her ass was sleeping by the Hulk poster. Can you believe the nerve of him? So, not only was I afraid of Santa, I was afraid The Hulk was going to jump out of the poster and eat me. It's a wonder I am still here today to blog about it, but blog about it I must.

Then when I was 8, I caught my brother smoking. He was 14 at the time. I opened the door to his room and he had the window cracked and had just took a drag. I was horrified and he was just happy as crap it was not my Mom that opened the door. So I did what any sister would do. I told my Mom on the way to church. And you would have thought that I was telling her Matt was going to die because MAN was she PISSED! I did not get much pleasure out of it. Oh hell, yes I did. Not for sure how long he was grounded but it was a long time.

Matt and I are complete opposites. He's a whole lot of country and I am a whole lot of anything but country (I do love country music though). He wears wife beaters IN PUBLIC and at the Fourth of July parties, smokes and likes to drink beer. I wear tank tops to run and even those are some what trendy. I would never smoke. I do drink beer every once in a while, but really hardly ever drink. All in all we do not have a whole lot in common besides matching DNA.

So here's the honest part. Matt really is the best brother in the world. When I say he pushed me down the stairs, we were actually playing tag as I was running up the stairs, he barely touched me and I lost my footing, then proceeded to fall down the stairs. When he pulled my arm out of socket, it was because he was trying to help me get on the bed and I was being a SHIT about it. But I swear to you, he did keep me under water too long!

If there was ever anything in the world that I needed, Matt would try his hardest to get it for me or atleast make it better until I got it. I can remember one fight in my entire life we got into and it was several years ago on Mother's Day. And even though I was so mad at him and vice versa - I was still so damn proud to call him my brother and still to this day am. I love you Matthew!

Making New Friends

2008-09-10T10:45:00.002-05:00

So I have been thinking random thoughts lately. Why? The answer would be because I have more time on my hands. Well, at least Tuesday nights. That's when all my epiphanies come to me. Watch out, it's really scary at times.

Random thoughts:

This is my idea of the perfect husband and it is as simple as this: I want someone who is proud enough of me that he puts my framed picture on his office desk. And when his co-worker asks him who that is, the smile on his face will say it all. The end.
I think it is so easy for people to think they are happy when, in fact, they are not. When you feel the same emotion for so long, it's easy to confuse it for another emotion.
I am now addicted to watching dvd's - romance/comedy dvd rentals to be exact.
I think the people that blog and read each others web sites should all get together one weekend to meet face-to-face. I think you all are hilarious and I need new/exciting friends in my life!

That is all for now.

P.S. Jax just got flowers from her boyfriend. I'm jealous. She is happy. Happiness trumps jealousy. Yay, Jackie!!

Because I Think I Can

2008-09-05T10:40:00.002-05:00

When I moved to Michigan to live in the same city as my boyfriend Seth, I was absolutely worthless - meaning I could have easily found a job but had no motivation to work. My rationalization was I had just completed 4 years of college, worked throughout college as a waitress and deserved a few months off. Really?

Did you know that in three months you can rack up thousands of dollars on your credit card for no reason whatsoever? Yup, that was me and I still kick myself to this day about that.

The one motivation I did have was training for a marathon. What better thing is there to do when you have 24 hours a day to do absolutely nothing? I was going to run the Las Vegas marathon because it was flat, the weather is always fairly nice and it WAS VEGAS BABY!

I joined a gym and had a personal trainer that kicked my butt on a daily basis. I hated that man for the things he had me do in the gym - all the running, who really needs ALL THAT RUNNING? I got to where I could do a long run on the weekends (the weekdays were my sprints). I was so proud of myself for running 10-12 miles. And then it hit me - well I actually was not hit, but it felt like I was. I got a hip pointer. Don't know what that is? Let me explain. It's where the gluteus maxi mus muscle meets the gluteus mini mus and they rub together. They are supposed to lay on top of each other but mine where butted up together. I saw the Dr. and he told me to not run for a couple months. HOLY CRAP! That was too long. I did not take his advise and hurt myself more. Go figure I graduated from KU and he graduated from Harvard. I guess that means he trumps me - many times over.

So running for me now is a fun thing, not a must do thing. It relieves stress and makes me feel overall really good. It also helps with my ulcers - don't ask me how, just trust me on this one, it does. And for the first time since I moved back from Michigan, I have the urge to run in a race. Not a marathon, that takes too much time. BUT I am training to run the Tulsa Run - the 15k to be exact - 9.6 miles of fun. I am so excited about this. It's something that, even though it sounds lame, will be a great accomplishment for me. I am training now and have got up to 4.2 miles - without dying.

If you are in Tulsa the last weekend in October, come cheer me on. I expect ALL my family to be there because I will need the encouragement come mile 6 or 7. And the best part? We will eat at the Brook to celebrate my accomplishment - with Piper sitting right beside me!

My Idea of Prince Charming

2008-08-28T09:44:00.006-05:00

When I was a little girl and still to this day, people say "My, my, my, you look just like your Mom!" I would and still do roll my eyes. My daughter, I would say fortunately, has the same fate of looking exactly like her mother. I know as she gets older this will annoy her greatly, while giving me much pleasure.

Truth be told, I always liked looking like my Mom. She is one of the most beautiful people I know - on the inside and out. What we have been through together defies the mother/daughter relationship. When I was a senior in High School we did one of those time capsule things before we graduated. One of the questions they asked me was "Who is your hero?" My answer was immediate and is still the same to this day - "My Mom!"

I love you, Mom! And I am not just saying that because that's what I said when the police officer took me to our house the night I got busted for drinking when I was 15. I personally still don't think I should have been grounded for a month, but hey, I forgive you. LOL!

My Mom sent this to me because we have the EXACT same sense of humor - exact same eyes, face shape, boobs, legs....ugh, I just did the eye roll! You will need to click on the image to pull it up to read. It is hilarious! Especially if you are single (really even if you are not). Below this is a picture of my hero and the man that came into our lives to forever change us for the better.

Oh...the Things I've Learned

2008-08-27T10:09:00.002-05:00

It's amazing the things I've learned in the past week and a half. Let me entertain you (because I am done having a pity party)!

I've learned that a bar of soap used by only one person is going to last a LOT longer than if two people were using it.
I've learned that when you spend $130 at Wal-mart for one and a half people (Piper counts as half for food consumption) it can last you at least a month.
I've learned it is not smart to have a snack drawer that your daughter can reach. Because when you are running on the treadmill and get done, you will find the Gatorade spilled, powered donuts opened, M&Ms on your 3-year-olds face and chez-its on the counter half opened.
I've learned that Piper has learned to lock doors - namely the bathroom door - and can't get herself out.
I've learned that I may have a bit of a shopping problem - especially when it comes to Craigslist.
I've learned that Mark and I get along much better being a part (that is no indication that we will get back together).
I've learned that watching TV sucks because all it is is Reality TV!
I've learned that I hate Dan from "Big Brother" because he screams when he talks.
I've learned that no matter what Jax tells me, I will never watch The Hills on MTV.
I've learned that to get a divorce you have to pay a $2000-3000 retainer "depending on the severity of your case." WTF?
And the #1 thing I've learned is you can get a divorce online for $299 if you can agree to everything. That's the plan - now that means I have to be extra nice to Mark until those papers are signed. LOL!

That is all, happy hump day!

Week One Behind Me

2008-08-25T15:54:00.002-05:00

I have officially surpassed Week One in the duplex as a newly separated, single Mom. And I gotta tell ya, it was a hell of a lot harder than I ever thought. Not the single Mom part at all. I felt like a single Mom a lot of the time anyway. It's the being alone part that I am not getting used to. I hate it. I hate the silence and the boredom. I'm just fine when Piper is with me, but I can't handle the being by myself. I go run, I tan, I go to my Dad's - but it's not enough. Without Piper there, it's like a LARGE part of me is missing.

If I had one wish, it would be that I get to wake up every morning knowing that cute 3-year-olds face is only two bedrooms away. I love seeing her in the morning. I love her curly hair that looks like it has been through a tornado. I love her grouchiness that only me and Mimi can understand. I love the fact that she says the same thing every morning when she gets up - "Good Morning Momma, can I watch a little TV now?" I just love her!

Has it made me question my decision? I would be lying if I said that it hasn't. It has. But you know what, I am smart enough to know being anywhere else than where I am right now is not right or healthy for me and Piper.

A lot of good things have happened since I've moved. I feel mentally and physically better. I've got to catch up on sleep, movies and shopping. And I have been able to focus much of my time to just enjoying my daughter. I'm going to try really hard to do things with Piper that I have not taken the opportunity to do. Like go to the Zoo. Do fun craft projects. Take her to Branson to see Mimi and Papa. Take her to the movies. The possibilities are endless.

In between those times, I promise to try really hard to enjoy my time by myself. I used to love it. LOVE IT. I am sure it will come eventually.

I feel slightly broken. On the drop of a dime I can cry for no reason. Really? Because I'm not a cryer. I am relying heavily on family and friends - and pushing a few people away in the mean time. There are certain people that I know I can lean on and will understand me when I cry or say off the wall things. Then there are people who I want to understand me but can't or aren't willing to spend the time to understand. Sad, really - because I think I'm worth trying to understand. I think I am worth a lot and have sold myself short for way too long.

I can't and won't do that anymore.

Enough Said

2008-08-20T11:46:00.003-05:00

Why do I love this so much and why does Maxine remind me of my mother and my Grandma Margaret? If you do not laugh at this, you have a serious lack of humor.

So I Guess Now I am "Evil"

2008-08-18T09:36:00.002-05:00

Friday was moving day, a day that I looked forward to and dreaded all at the same time. I got up early and got Piper off to school, headed to my Dad's (after getting donuts) to get stuff from storage. Mark showed up to help us move, nice right? Well, I thought so at first. He was there for 5 minutes and wanted to leave to get his IPhone fixed. Really? REALLY? I asked him if maybe he could do that next week when he had some free time. You would have thought I asked him to throw it in the trash and never use it again.

He ended up staying and helped us move the heavy things. And you know what? He was as HAPPY as a lark the whole time he was moving is WIFE out of THE HOUSE. Does that make sense to you? It really blows my mind the lack of empathy he has. I do not know why I get surprised anymore.

I got Piper from school that day and took her to the new place. I am not even kidding, she walked in like she owned the place. I showed her her room and new toys. She was hooked. Since it is three bedrooms, one of the rooms is where the treadmill is and a couch with a TV. It's basically her room where she can watch Dora 852 times a day and I get to use the treadmill when I am allowed on the premises. I guess she decides that? Well, that is what she thinks anyway.

I got home and asked Mark how he could be so happy that whole day. He told me it is "because his wife's evil". WOW, that's a new name for me. Then he proceeds to say that "even my Dad was embarrassed of me". So what did I do you may ask? I walked my happy ass to the phone and called my Dad to ask him. He said under no uncertain terms did he or would he EVER say anything like that. Score one for Michele!

On Saturday I went out with Jax! We had a blast! It's so strange to be in the environment again, but it is also exciting. I need that every once in awhile...or twice a month when Mark has Piper...WOO HOO!

On Sunday I painted Piper's room pink - a color I swore I would NEVER paint my daughter's room. She will love it (she's at my Mom's right now). I can't wait to see her face when she walks in. All of her toys are there for her to see because she was afraid they would not make it when we moved. Of course, there are new ones too. Just a few...or twelve. Whatever!

It is absolutely liberating to me to be on my own. I feel so much better, like I can breath again. This move was the best thing I could have done for me and Piper. We are going to do great - that I am sure of!

My Mood

2008-08-11T13:23:00.002-05:00

Last night Piper woke up at 11pm and 3am. I guess you could say I am a little bit tired. At 11am she said that her foot hurt. I used to think this was a load of bull, but when I told her teacher about it the next day (after the first time it happened) she said that a Dr once told her that it was a growing pain and in fact not a fib from a 3-yr-old. Of course, once again, I should be nominated for Mother of the Year!

I rubbed and rubbed her foot and leg to no avail - she said it still hurt. I hate that feeling of not being able to make her feel better because it does not happen very often.

At 3am she came in to say it still hurt. I let her get in bed with us and she fell fast asleep. Of course, that meant I slept like crap because I had to catch her 52 times so she would not roll of the bed. Why did I just not put her in the middle like a normal person? Because it was 3 IN THE MORNING and my brain does not function properly then! At 5:30 I finally moved her back to her bed so I could sleep an hour or so more. When I picked her up to take her in she said, "NO, I want Momma to take me to bed!" I told her that was who was carrying her and it did not register. I told her again, she looked at me and went right back to sleep. I love that feeling - because it is the feeling I wanted at 11pm when I could not make her pain go away.

I think this week is going to be hard for me because I am moving out on Friday. I was packing this weekend and of course I was sad. It was not a sad like I am making the wrong decision. It was just a sadness that it even got this far. My step dad told me there would be a defining moment when I knew if it was not going to work with Mark and I. That defining moment happened this weekend. It was not a major thing really - just another form of respect that I am not getting from him. And I deserve that respect.

I know I joke about the single life being good, but I am scared to death. Not because I am afraid I can't make it, because I KNOW I will. But it's change and I have never been one for change. I am going to try very hard to use this next year to just focus on me and my daughter. We are both going to need a little extra love and kindness in our lives. I promise that I will give that to her because that comes natural to me. She is my best friend and she is only 3-yrs-old. She will make every day worth getting up for because she already does. That will never change.

My New Digs

2008-08-07T09:39:00.005-05:00

Do I always have to start off my posts with, "I am freaking busy at work!" Yes, I think I really do. It has been CRAZY this week! We have our Sales Rallies next week and I get to go to the love city of Wichita, Kansas. I know, you are jealous - get over it because I have to go alone!

So, I rented a duplex last week and I move into it next Friday, August 15th. Mark went with me to look at the duplex because he knows the owner of it. Have you ever walked into a place and felt immediately at home? Ya, that's how I felt! I am a huge "smell" person. If you stink, literally and psychically, I do not like you - END OF STORY! The duplex smelled like fresh laundry, one of my favorite smells by the way (that and my daughter's breath - I know, weird). The duplex was built in 2006 and it is fabulous. Did I tell you it is fabulous? Yep, it's fabulous.

When I was in there I was trying to contain my excitement, but it was just oozing out of me. It's like when I moved to Michigan to be closer to Seth. 3 months after I moved, I called my step dad bawling because I wanted to be back home (not home with my parents, just back to Kansas where I lived at the time). The next weekend my parents came and packed my ass up and moved me back. While they were packing and hauling - I was literally jumping for joy, I could not get back fast enough and poor Seth was so upset. It was so bad, my Mom pulled me aside and told me to basically chill the f$%K out because I was embarrassing her and myself as well.

The excitement I feel right now is even greater than that! Now I know, I will go through a grieving process, ya ya whatever - but WOO HOO!!! I will be on my own with Piper in a little over a week.

We still have not sold my freaking house, so the fun part is I get to pay rent and mortgage. How do I remedy that situation you might ask? Well...I sold my wedding ring. Yup, sold it - out the door, see ya later. I meet the woman and her husband today to give it to her. Will I be sad? Nope, I have not wore the ring for a long time and if Mark and I work things out it still does not represent what it was suppose to when he put it on my finger over 4 years ago.

Mark's pissed and says I am pissing away the money. Really? Really? I'm using it for rent and our daughter's daycare, any medical bills that may come up. Ok, so maybe I will use $100 of it to blow, but that's it. At least I am honest. AND, AND I am giving him $600 of it to pay for his first month's rent. He will probably use it for another tattoo. That's fine with me because that is a make or break thing.

P.S. Piper is SO funny. Anytime we drive by a house with no cars in front she says "Momma, nobody lives there, maybe we can live in that house?" She is going to love her new place and it's not just because I am buying her new toys either...ok, maybe it is! LOL!

Now Just A Mad Mom

2008-07-31T15:45:00.002-05:00

So we sold my 2004 Nissan Quest mini-van today and let me tell you, it was a bitter sweet feeling. I loved that van, so seeing it drive off was harder than I expected. Of course it had a rattle on the passenger side door that drove me batty, but hey, it was still a darn good van!

When I told Piper we were selling the van and the people came to test drive it, she hopped in the van and clung to her travel TV/DVD for dear life. I am NOT even kidding. After 5 minutes, I finally convinced her that if these fine people bought the vehicle the TV would come right out, as it was not a part of the purchase. She reluctantly got out, but I know in her little mind she thought I was lying to her. Oh ye of little faith!

And yes, I wanted a Dodge Charger, but some people have tried to convince me other wise. And I hate to admit this because those "some people" will get a good laugh out of it, but I agree with them. It is a BIG vehicle and I really do not need that much of a vehicle. Really all I want is to have a $250 car payment and call it good. That would save me $150 a month, because I was paying $400 a month on my van (I was a good girl and was actually paying $60 more than the loan was a month).

See Mom, you did raise me right! Well, on this one thing at least.

And now to the fun part. I am not getting a new vehicle. I am going to take Mark's 2008 Jeep Patriot and drive it. It is a good vehicle, but we also pay $400 a month on this. It was his idea, NOT mine to get the darn thing - but somehow, like always - it was my idea to get the Jeep? WTF? Please note, I am not going to pay the full $400 on it. I am going to have the credit union transfer $250 of the loan over to my account and have it taken out of my paycheck. He can deal with the other $150 and get an old beater. He said he is ok with this. We shall see.

It took me over an hour to clean that Jeep out. And a box full of crap, plus a grocery bag full of trash later, I was done. It was disgusting. Who does that to a brand new Jeep?

Other not so fun news. I told Mark today that I was moving out at the end of August whether we sold the house or not. His response? "F U C K! I did not know it was that bad!" Really, because where have you been for the last 5 months? Not for sure really. And why within the past week has he started wearing his wedding ring again? For the love of Pete! Can someone get me a shot of tequila? I'm gonna need it soon!

D Day

2008-07-30T10:18:00.002-05:00

Mark and I have tried to sell our house for 2-3 months now. The first time we sold it, it sold in 12 days. The second time we sold it in 3 days and the third time it was not even on the market. All three contracts fell through - due to financing, someone not being able to sell their house and the other decided they did not like the neighborhood. Ya really, because we do not like it either.

Since then we have had many people look at it and even got another offer, but we could not reach an agreement on the price. Our realtor said, "you're only $3500 off". Well...when you have NO money, $3500 is A LOT of money. Of course she drives a BMW so having her understand that concept is pretty much slim to none.

Once we sell our house, Mark and I are going to go our separate ways. For me, that means not wanting to work on it and just start my life over. For Mark that means, we just need a break and then things will be ok. I have thought and thought about what the best thing to do is. Racked my brain over and over. There are just things about him that I can't live with and unfortunately they are things that I do not think he can change. They are just who he is. I can't fault him for that, I really can't. There are things about myself that I can't change too. It is just virtually impossible.

I will always be anal. I will always have to feel like I am in control. I will always be grouchy in the mornings and I will always think the man of the house should be the primary provider for the house. I make good money and CAN and DO support myself and Piper, but as a man - I believe the weight of that responsibility should fall on his shoulders. A woman has so much to worry about besides finances. We, as women, take on SO much and try and "conquer the world" every day. It's nice to have that one burden taken off of our plate.

My Mom always worked and ALWAYS made really good money to support us. When she met and married Ken, she still supported us - but in a different way. A better way, really. He was the stable person in our life and we ALWAYS felt safe with him because he was the main provider. Reason #852 I love him.

Ok, I am off my soap box - Sorry!

On August 25th, I am moving out of the house, whether we have sold our house or not. I am going to rent a house and just be by myself (with Piper). Maybe I will miss Mark terribly, but I fear I will not.

Last night Piper and I were going to the grocery store. She was supposed to go with Mark and my two step kids to Blockbuster, but freaked out when she found out I was not going with them. So, she went with me. When I was getting her out of the van, I said "Piper, you and Momma are going to live in a new house soon, is that ok?" She said "Yes and Dad, bubba and sissy can live in another house."

That makes me sad. It makes me sad because maybe she is smarter than I already think she is. And maybe she knows that Momma is happier when she is not with Daddy. Mark and I do not fight in front of her - we really hardly ever fight at all anymore. We function like roommates. As a kid, I know she needs to see her Mom happy and she also needs to see me happy with someone of the opposite sex. On August 25, I am taking the first step at becoming who I was over 4 years ago. Saying that makes me happy because I desperately need to be me again.

And I know my Mom is now crying as she reads this...

My New Obsession

2008-07-28T09:00:00.002-05:00

I was 15 years old when I got my very first car - a 1990 silver Ford Probe and I loved it! My stepdad spoiled me rotten, even though I DID NOT deserve it. Did I tell you how evil I was to him? My Mom and I still wonder a) why he does not hate my guts to this day and b) why is he still married to my Mom after all the hell I put him through. There is only one answer we can come up with - he is Jesus Christ reincarnated or maybe just a stubborn fool.

I love you Kenny!

I drove that car all through college until I graduated college. My college graduation present was a new car. The car OF MY CHOICE! There were a few stipulations however. 1) I had to graduate in 4 years (that meant summer school, uck!) 2) I could not get pregnant and 3) I could not be married. I am happy to say I passed all 3 with flying colors! Mostly because I was on the pill, sorry Mom, TMI.

When I graduated, I was dating the best guy in the world, Seth. He was so freaking patient and kind - therefore I hated him and did not know why he could not treat me like crap. I think some people call that "bag hunting". Anyway, we will leave the Seth story for another day. He lived in Michigan and that is where I got my next car because his best friend was a car salesman. It was a brand new Chrysler Sebring Convertible - white with a black top. I loved it, except I hated to have the top down because it messed up my hair. I was so freaking lame back then. Why in the world did I get a convertible then? Isn't that the whole point? Oh well!

I drove that car for a couple of years and decided that I needed something new. The next car was a Mercury Cougar - slade green, loved it! It was the first car I bought on my own. The car payments did suck though. After the cougar was a 4-runner; I hated it, but it could be because I hated my life at that point - hello boyfriend from hell. Sold that and dumped the boyfriend to get a Montero Sport. It was a good vehicle, but after Piper was born I had to get something that I would not keep whacking her head on everytime I put her in the car. Poor baby, no wonder she is a drama queen - I think it may be brain damage.

Enter the 2004 Nissan Quest mini-van. I am not even lying when I say that van is the BEST car I have ever had. Yes, I know it is a mini-van, but if there is such a thing as a "cool" van, this is it. I told Mark I would drive that thing until the wheels fell off. And with his 2 kids from a previous marriage, it works for a family of five.

So....I am ready to sell the min-van, because I will shortly not be a family of five. I was obsessed with the Dodge Nitro, that is until we drove one on Saturday. They drive nice, well like an SUV, but the mileage they get really sucks. And wouldn't you know it that the one I was looking at mysteriously "sold" 5 minutes before I got there. Yeah, right - car salesman are liars.

We drove to Broken Arrow to see if they had any more Nitros within a good price range and they did not. So as we were walking through the lot - the heavens opened and sang to me while I was standing in front of a 2007 Dodge Charger. Holy shit, have you seen those things? They are freaking awesome. I test drove it with Mark and a 12 year old salesman named Mitch. Mitch sucked and thought he was God's gift, I told him the music he listened to reminded me of a gay bar, he was offended and we left without the Charger. BUT, come hell or high water, I am going to get me one of those cars!! It is written in the stars - plus when I am separated it will get me a great piece of a$$.

Just joking on the last part, but that was dang funny!

Piperisms

2008-07-23T11:05:00.002-05:00

Me: Piper can I have a kiss today?
Piper: Not today Momma, maybe on Wednesday.
_________________________
Me: You need to be a nice girl to your friends today, ok?
Piper: Can I just play by myself so I don't have to be a nice girl today?
Me: Sure.
_________________________
Piper: Momma, I am really, really thirsty.
Me: I'm sorry, no more drinks before bedtime. It makes you pee during the night.
Piper: Ok Momma, I give up.
Me: Really?
Piper: Yes, I am too tired today.
Me: I wish you were "too tired" more often girl!
_________________________
Me: Did you go potty in your pull-up while you were sleeping?
Piper: Just a little Momma
(Me feeling her diaper)
Me: You call that a little?
Piper: Yes, I really, really do.
__________________________
(While in a bad mood)
Piper: Momma, I just really need to cry.
Me: Why?
Piper: Because I just really, really need to.
Me: Ok, go for it.
(The crying ensues)
Piper: (while crying) Momma, I don't want to cry anymore.
Me: Ok then, stop crying.
Piper: But I really, really still want to cry.
Me: You drive me crazy little lady.
Piper: I'm not a little lady, I'm Piper!
Me: Ok, you drive me crazy PIPER!!
____________________________
(Talking to my Dad)
Me: She is really T. I. R. E .D. (spelling tired, not actually saying it), I think it's time for a N.A.P.
Piper: I am not T. I. D!
Dad: When did she learn to spell?
Me: When she came out of the womb. It is another form of torture she likes to play.
Piper: I AM NOT T. I. D.!!!

Family Reunion

2008-07-22T09:04:00.002-05:00

Traveling again with work, ugh! I spent four days in New Orleans for a meeting with our Agency Leadership partners. Now many would say, "yeah, New Orleans - that would be so much fun!" Umm...obviously you do not know about my job and the BS that goes with it. From the time your butt gets out of bed to the time the meeting is over, you barely have time to think. Then the fun part of the day starts when after the meeting you have to do everything else that came in on your email. Remember "out of office" just means you will get to it at night, NOT when you get back to work!

Highlights from the meeting: lights kept mysteriously dimming while the speakers were talking, our Agency Vice President's microphone would not work, the sound guy is DEAF (I am not f'ing kidding), I have blisters on my feet from running back and forth trying to get things to work. THE END!

On Friday I hopped on a plane and headed to Des Moines, Iowa for a family reunion. We are going to try and do this every two years because it seemed like the only reason we would see each other is when someone passed away. Not the best time to have a beer with the family - well, not at least until day 2 of the mourning process. You gotta love my family.

I love my family! They are hilarious. My uncle is a retired minister and is the nicest, funniest guy you will ever meet. Case in point - he always asks me when my husband "Spike" is going to get out of jail and that he prays from his safe return once he is released. What? Who thinks of that stuff? We had a auction while we were there. Everybody brought their old stuff, some new and we bought it from each other. We raised $1800! It goes to the fund for the next reunion.

Piper was a rock star at this reunion. Since July 4 at my Mom's house, she has really come out of her shell. It is SO fun to see! She was talking to people, playing with the kids - just being a normal three-year-old for once. Yeah Piper!!! When we were getting ready to leave, I was holding her and giving people hugs. I would say "It was so nice to see you!" and she would say the same thing and give just as big of hugs. She makes my heart melt on a daily basis.

Highlights from the Reunion: 18 people asking me if I ate because I was too thin, my cousin announcing to everyone that I have more tattoos then my brother (which I guess makes me the most white trash), my aunt freaking out because we took the wrong turn to go to Dairy Queen, getting 3 hours sleep the first night because my Dad snores like a FREIGHT TRAIN, getting into a bikini in front of people you have not seen in two years! That about covers it!

And Mark did not go on this trip either. He "did not want to take another day of vacation". He is the best! Really, he is trying. BUT I did tell him I was done trying because marriage should not be THIS hard. I am ok with the ups and downs - but not everyday.

Does anyone want to buy a freaking house? I mean seriously, someone out there needs a house, right? We have had 4 contracts on it, 3 have fallen through and 1 we could not reach an agreement on. Throw me a FREAKING bone people!!

The Single Life (Plus 1) may be better than I thought

2008-07-14T10:11:00.003-05:00

This weekend Mark and I went to a birthday party for a co-worker (on Saturday). It was at Full Moon and there were dueling pianos. I LOVED it! I think I need to go there more often. Ok, I loved it until a woman got on stage for her birthday and then her boyfriend got up on stage to propose...in a bar....drunk. Who the hell does that?

Well, anyway, I may have ruined the night because I was all "Don't do it!" Outloud, yes, outloud. Mark was not too happy with me, but hey what's new! She still said yes, so it must not have been as loud as I thought - I will scream louder next time that happens. Then I will walk up on stage and say, "look, I know you think you are in love, but seriously - can't you just live in sin together, have premarital sex and be happy? And, really, the first year OR FOUR are no walk in the park sister...here's my number, call me and we can talk."

After the party, I met my friend Jax out, with some of her friends. Of course, I wanted to go by myself and Mark did not like that. But really, he needs to get used to it because that's how it is going to be for awhile or forever. Needless to say, I drove him home and came back. It was a fun time, relaxed but fun. Her friends are awesome and quite funny. I felt like the old me (but a Mom now). The bar was not a meat market, I did not know a sole and still had a good time. I have promised myself I will do this again, many, many times.

Say what you mean and mean what you say

2008-07-09T08:41:00.003-05:00

About three months ago I made the horrible mistake (ONE TIME) of telling Piper she could get out of bed if she "needed" to. In my mind this meant "if your bed was on fire or you had to go poop". In her little mind, this meant I can get out of bed when I can't go to sleep, ONLY five minutes after Momma has laid me down.

At first it was funny, and I have to admit it still kinda is, when she would get up. I would hear her in the beginning because she has a step stool to get on and off her bed. She cannot get of that darn thing without making a thud. Then the little feet start to moving and in 2.2 seconds she is down the hallway and into my room. Now, what makes this even more funny is my daughter has curly hair and when she lays down, even for 5 minutes and then gets up, she looks like a mad scientist. I love it, it makes me laugh every time.

Last night was especially hard for her to go to bed. Maybe it because I am a bad mother and let her watch TV before bed or maybe it was the 1/2 bag of M&Ms she devoured earlier in the evening - either way, she was up three times. After the first time I told her that she could only get up if she "really, REALLY needed me". The second time she came, she said "Momma, I really, REALLY need you to scratch my back." I was doing my yoga at the time, so she followed up with "but I will wait until you are done with your oga and then we will go back to my bed. Ok, Momma?"

Who could argue with that? I mean after all she was letting me do my exercises? Right?

We went back and I scratched her back and left. Only THIS TIME I was smarter than that silly 3-yr-old. I waited outside of her room, in the hallway. Not 2 minutes later, thud, she was out the door and I was standing there. She smiled and said, "Momma, I really, REALLY need you to play with my hair, ok?"

We went back to her bed and I threatened her with her life, she was scared (ok not really). But, I did tell her that she could not get out of bed anymore tonight...then I proceeded to play with her hair. I am such a sucker for that little girl!

I am the ONLY one who did not

2008-07-08T09:51:00.004-05:00

Good Lord, I have not blogged forever, so sorry! Work has been CRAZY busy and I am now just getting caught up. Why does a person have to have 138 emails in their inbox when they get back from vacation? Especially when you have an out of office reply that says you will be out? Don't send me emails every day and leave voice messages. I AM NOT HERE!!

The vacation was FANTASTIC! Exactly what I needed. And my decision to not take Mark was the best decision I could have ever made. I did yoga on the beach every day, under this torn down hut. And wouldn't you know it, the second day I go down there, there's a For Sale sign strapped to the hut. You would have thought that was the second coming of Jesus Christ with the thrill my family got out of that. Can you see grown men taking pictures of me (fragile, because I am on a beach by myself) trying to do yoga, minding my own business - with a For Sale sign in every picture and me in the background. The nerve! I can hear my brother's laugh right now. My Mom thinks he is the "nice one", but I know different.

Don't we Matthew???

I think on Day 3 is when everyone thought it was pick on Michele day. I, once again being the fragile person I am (ya, right), nicely asked everyone to refrain from having sex. I thought that was a fair thing to ask. If I was not having it, the least they could do was not have it as well. Right? Right? After everyone stopped laughing at me, they said under no uncertain terms would they stop, in fact, they were all going to do it at the same time so I could hear them. Gotta tell ya, it made me a little sick - especially when MY MOTHER said "How about we just do it twice tonight, instead of three times?" The look on my step dad's face was priceless. If he could have been any happier, there would have been two of him. Needless to say, they did not accept my request - but THANK GOODNESS I feel asleep before the festivities began!!

I think I may be able to live on the beach or at least the house we stayed in. It was incredible. I think Piper would have really liked it. I started missing her on Day 2 and by Day 5, I was ready to be home to see her. Didn't miss Mark - but did miss the companionship. If that is not a sign of things to come, I do not know what is.

When I got off the plane, Mark and Piper picked me up. It was the cutest thing ever. It took her a couple seconds to recognize me and when she finally did, she said "Momma I missed you SO MUCH!" Melted my heart and made me want to have 12 more Pipers in my life.

So, my freakin' house has still not sold. Why? I have no idea. I am going crazy, need it to sell and get on with my life. Mark is trying to be SO nice to me. Too little, too late.

Decision 2008

2008-06-18T09:57:00.002-05:00

So, I have to say I am happy I got responses on my last post. Thank you so much. And I bet you are all dying to know what my decision is - well probably not dying, but at least ready for the answer.

I am not taking him.

I really need some time to myself for 5 days. Not necessarily to be by myself, but to be "just me" - which I have not been for a long time. My family brings out the best in me. They appreciate my quirks and everything that goes along with that. I don't want the pressure of this trip being the end all be all for us. And yes, I am sure I will miss him - but will I miss "him" or the companionship he brings me? I do not know the answer to that right now.

I also think it is important that Mark spends time with Piper by himself for a while. He has not been with her by himself for that long ever. I need their relationship to be strong because when we do separate after we sell the house, it is going to be hard enough dropping her off to see him.

So, perhaps I will meet Lars so he can lotion up my body. No funny business, I promise!

Lars

2008-06-16T10:09:00.004-05:00

My mom and I have always had this joke about when my step dad passes away that she will find a man named Lars to do all of her dirty work. If you catch my drift. Lars always seemed like the appropriate name. When I think of Lars, I think of a Greek God that can barely speak any English. All you would need to do it just point to the spot you would like lotion applied and Lars would oblige.

This Friday my family and I are headed to the beach (Cozumel). We will be there for five glorious days of drinking, boating, tanning and more drinking. And NO KIDS! Did I mention NO KIDS? NO KIDS! Now I love Piper and I know on day 2 I will miss her terribly, but Momma needs this vacation and she needed it a long time ago.

I have still yet to decide if I want to take Mark. Am torn about it actually. Why, crazy woman are you torn about this you may ask? Ya, I have no freaking idea. I guess my rational is who would not want to be with their husband on white sand beaches. Heck, if we can't have fun there then we are for sure done.

Then there is the part of me that would like to go there alone and reflect. Think about what I need out of life and unfortunately, I think it is to be alone - for a while at least. Any suggestions? Go with him or leave his butt home? Majority rules!

Self Confidence Booster

2008-06-09T09:36:00.003-05:00

So, I am getting out the shower yesterday after I have shaved and washed all the appropriate places. As I am opening the shower curtain Piper is standing there - staring at me and says "Momma, you look disgusting!"
Well dang, I was feeling pretty good about myself for like FIVE MINUTES!

Picnics and Parties

2008-06-05T09:33:00.004-05:00

Mark left to go to California today for FIVE days to help his uncle lay tile in their new house. Now, I may be a little selfish saying this, but I LOVE having my daughter all to myself. We have a blast. PLUS, she gets to bed on time and is so much happier in the mornings for it. Have you read my "Grouch" post? Momma needs good mornings with Piper!

When I told her that Daddy was going on a trip, the first thing she said was "Can we have a picnic in your bed Momma?" You bet your ass we can honey! And you can get crumbs on your Dad's side of the bed too - WOO HOO!

2008-06-04T09:28:00.001-05:00

Grouch - She gets it from me

2008-06-02T11:20:00.001-05:00

I have never once claimed to be a morning person. In fact, all the woman in my family are NOT morning people. Of course, my daughter is not a morning person either. So why is it that grouchy people can talk with one another in the morning time and be just fine? But then you throw that "morning person" in the mix that tries to talk to you and you literally want to rip their head off? Does not seem fair, but that's the price you pay for marrying or living with a person that loathes the mornings.

My step dad (the best man in the entire world) used to try SO hard in the mornings with me and my Mom. He still tries, to no avail, with my Mom to get her to be a morning person. He brings her coffee and toast every morning. I bet you could count on one hand how many times she has responded nicely to him. God LOVE Papa Ken!!

I remember when I was in high school, I would get up in the morning and PRAY that he was not in the bathroom getting ready for work. Because if he was, I would have to walk by him and hear him say "Good Morning!" with as much happiness as one man could hold. And I am embarrassed to say, that I never said anything back.

I walked into my daughter's room this morning to get her up for school today and she said "Leave me along Mama, I want to go back to sleep!" And my response to her? "I will leave you alone after I beat you child!" Awe, a mother's love, there is nothing better.

Priorities I

2008-05-30T09:19:00.000-05:00

Growing up I was raised to be a VERY independent woman - some times this was a detriment more than it was a great quality. With this independence came a lot of selfishness and stubbornness. I know, two great qualities - doesn't THAT make you want to be my friend. Please?

I was used to being on my own and living a carefree life. When I met my husband, of course that had to change. I was ready for that - or at least I thought I was. My husband has two children from a previous marriage. One boy, 11 and one girl, 9. They are good kids. When Mark and I were dating, they were never allowed to stay the night at my house (due to their mother), so the time I had with them was just for 4-8 hours at a time and then they would go on their merry way home. Me, being the dumb person I am at times, thought that was enough time to get used to the fact that they would be with us half the time - staying the night, no less.

The day we got home from our honeymoon, we went straight over to get Mark's kids for 5 days straight. Talk about the "honeymoon being over" - it was. Not only was I a new wife, I was a new mom. That is a TALL order for this independent/selfish girl. So what did I do? Took it in stride for a while - by that I mean went to the Dr and was prescribed 20mg of Lexapro a day to deal with my horrible anxiety. In many, many ways that is a MIRACLE drug.

Mark is a good father, he just does not know how to discipline his kids (and my daughter included). I guess in the beginning I thought that kids were supposed to be demanding to the point that it was maddening? Not the right assumption on my part.

Whenever the kids were over, he was with them. Now I know that you are supposed to play with your kids - but it was non-stop. It was important to me that the kids see us as a couple, were Dad and step mom can spend time together to bond and the kids could - God forbid - play by themselves. They each had their own room and new toys for Pete's sake.

Within the first month or two, I told Mark that I wanted a divorce. I guess you could say I was not coping well, even with the miracle meds. He convinced me each time I had a breakdown that he loved me and divorce was not an option. I believed him. As the months went on we either had good days or bad, there was never any in between for us. That is EXACTLY how it is to this day, by the way. Funny how things never change.

There was a stretch in there however where things were pretty good. I had excepted that fact that I was a wife and step mom. It actually did not feel that bad. And in my head (which you will learn is not right at times), I thought hey I am helping to raise Mark's kids and not getting a whole lot of love in return from them, why not have a baby of my own. Yes, that's what we will do, we will try and make a baby together. Now I LOVE MY DAUGHTER, but trying to have a baby at that time probably was one of the dumbest decisions. Looking back now, I just needed to be loved by someone unconditionally, because I just was not getting that from Mark. I NEEDED to feel loved by someone through the good times and bad.

Enter Piper...

Priorities

2008-05-28T09:50:00.001-05:00

Deleted...

Funder

2008-05-27T14:33:00.000-05:00

When I was a little girl I was deathly afraid of thunder storms. It didn't matter if it was a minor or major storm, they were all the same to me. Like clock work, I would go to my parents room and stand on my Mom's side of the bed just staring at her until she woke up. I would later learn this scared the crap out of her every time I did it. She would reassure me that everything was ok and I needed to go back in my own bed. I did not listen - still really don't listen.

The only thing that comforted me was sleeping beside her. She would scoot all the way over to the side of the bed (as not to let me sleep beside her), but God willing, I would lay myself on the edge of the bed. Mind you, this was all of 2-3 inches but I WAS DETERMINED! After about 5 minutes, she would roll over in defeat and we would both go back to sleep.

I am now raising my 3-year-old daughter, Piper who is equally if not more scared than I was. She used to sleep through everything. Now, like clock work, she wakes up at the mere thought of a "funder" storm. I can without a doubt tell you which thunder or lightning strike is going to scare the crap out her.

Two nights ago was one of those nights. Thunder = MOMMA! = Me going into her room = her saying "The funder scared me Momma, can I sleep in your bed?" That night I did not let her sleep in our bed, I got in hers. We laid face to face, so close I could smell her baby morning breath. Side note: Why does that smell not disgust a mother? It is the true sign of love!

As I laid there she looked at me like there was no place else she wanted to be. My hands were cupped close to my face and she took her hands and put them in between mine and not 30 seconds later she fell asleep.

Sometimes I feel so powerful being a mother and sometimes I wonder if I am really doing the best I can trying to raise her. I have never loved anybody else like I love her and in the next coming weeks or months, I am going to remember that. Remember that no matter what the future holds, I am still the mother of Piper.

I hope my worries never transfer over to her, and I hope that when her Dad and I separate, very shortly, she will still want to hold my hand and fall asleep like she did that night.