I'm a True Believer

A little over twenty-five years ago I was playing in the side creek by our house in Agency, MO (population 432) when my Mom called me into the house. Now I knew I had not done anything wrong - this time - so I was not for sure why I was being called to come in so early.

She sat me down in a chair in the living room and told me that she and my Dad were getting a divorce. My first and obvious question was "Why?" She told me that she and my Dad just did not know how to fight fair and it was best they did not live together anymore. It's funny, because even at 8-years-old I knew what "not fighting fair" meant and as I look back on that day, I was no where near as devastated as most kids are when they hear that news. I guess in my mind I knew it was for the best, and I knew that as long as I was with my Mom, I felt safe no matter what.

Probably around the year mark of their divorce, my Mom started dating again. She went on several dates with men that just did not fit the bill. Can I tell you about the man that would throw pennies at me while we were watching volleyball games? I loathed that man. He thought he was funny and charming and all I wanted to do was take every penny ever created by man and jump them square on his head.

At the time my Mom was a banker and was doing very well at her job. She was being promoted and taking on new responsibilities - finally she was happy and confident and ready to take whatever life threw her way. And boy did life ever throw something her way. A man that initially made her cry after work and would test her knowledge at work on a daily basis. That man's name was Ken.

He had taken a job with my Mom's bank and was brought in to see if there were any processes that needed to be added, revamped or taken away all together - and my lucky Mom was one of the intelligent go to people. Little did she know the man that infuriated her would be the man she married one year later and now for almost twenty-five years.

I struggled having Ken in my life for longer than I care to admit. He was kind, soft spoken, a wonderful provider and the most patient man on the face of the earth. I disliked every single one of those qualities too, up until I was 15-years-old. I would only talk to him if I needed something - seriously, this is no exaggeration and he loved me through ALL of my bullshit.

There are so many things I could say about him, so many great things he has done for me and my Mom over the years. He has been the constant in my life when I felt like no one else has. He has treated me like his own daughter from the time he met me. He has never made me feel like less of a person and has always been the one I went to for sound advice and understanding. He is my hero and the love I have for him surpasses the love I have for any other man in my life. I could not imagine our lives without him and won't consider that an option until he is at least 99-years-old (maybe 98 if he tells me I am too skinny again).

Last week, Ken found out he has prostate cancer and he told us about it today. I was in no way prepared to hear that kind of news - people like him should be immune to things like cancer. God should look down on extraordinary people and say, "you see that man right there, the one that wears an invisible halo everyday, he should be exempt from any bad things that happens in this world."

And then I have a conversation with Ken today and I know why things like this happen to men like him. This happened to him because he has the courage, strength and faith to get through whatever life throws his way - including cancer. When I picked up the phone when he called (truth be told, I almost did not answer), he asked how I WAS DOING and wanted to apologize for the way I received the news that he had cancer (by email).

This is what I mean - he is always thinking of others before himself. He is always the strong one in our family and I just could not be more proud to call him my Dad.

He will beat this thing called cancer because he has to. We (me and my Mom) will give him no other option then to and believe me, we can be two of the meanest and most stubborn women you have ever met. Don't mess with us, buddy!

I love you all my heart, Dad. You bring normalcy and understanding in my life that I would otherwise take for granted. You are the best Dad that ANY girl could ever ask for. "Out of all the Dad's in the world, how did I get lucky enough to find the very best one."

The Letter K

Can you remember all the dumb things you did as a teenager? All the stuff that should have either landed you in jail or kept you grounded until Senior Graduation? Goodness, I remember, but the sad part is I got caught. Like that one time when the cops brought me home at age 15 because I had been drinking and was stupid enough to take the breathalyzer when everyone told me "Don't do it!!" I thought I could beat that damn machine - boy, was I ever wrong. End result: grounded for a month.

Or the time I snuck out of the house to see my boyfriend and got caught. Little do they know I did it A LOT and only got caught once. Take that, mother! BUT, end result: grounded for a LONG time.

It's things like that, that I love to think about. It's who I thought I was at the time. It was a way to show my independence, a way to rebel - that's what teenagers are supposed to do for Pete's sake. They drive their parents crazy until they go off to college. Then they slowly mature and become fast friends with the parents they thought were their enemies in the first place. I am so thankful that I was able to be a teenager and do the dumb things I did. I'm also glad I had parents who loved me regardless of what I did - loved me ALWAYS, but may not of always "liked" me (as my mother would say).

When I reconnected with Rob, I had the pleasure of meeting four of the best kids in the world. Kids that are respectful, well-mannered and have the biggest hearts. They owe all of those qualities to their father. He is the exact same way and I am so thankful for that everyday.

But there is one that has touched my heart the most. One who, in many ways, reminds me of myself and in the same breath reminds me nothing of myself when I was her age.

Kaylan is 14-years-old going on 24-years-old. She is wise beyond her years and one of the most beautiful people I have ever had the pleasure of getting to know. She is more mature than most adults I know. She is not your typical teenager by any standards - except her adorable looks, the cute way she dresses, her plethora of converse shoes and the cell phone that is constantly connected to her hand.

All her life she has had to play the role of an adult and to me, that's just not fair. But, honestly, she had no choice. That was the life she was born into whether she wanted to be or not. And you know what? She has taken that life and made it into something extraordinary. She is so intelligent, has a ton of friends, siblings that adore her and a father that considers his daughter his best friend. That, in my book, is quite an accomplishment for a 14-year-old.

It's people like K that make me step back and appreciate all my parents did for me growing up. I lead a life that was "easy" by so many standards. I did not have to work to live or work to get the clothes I wanted, they were given to me. I was so lucky (and selfish).

K's with me this week, after a really bad weekend with her Mom, and I am thrilled she is here. There are so many things I want to do with her this week - but I keep forgetting, soon they will all be here on a permanent basis and I will have plenty of time to do the things her own mother would not do with her.

What I want most out of my relationship with K is for her to know what it feels like to be loved by someone who wants nothing in return from her. Someone who understands she is a teenager and she is going to screw up and actually "do dumb teenager things" and I will still love her the exact same. I want her to stop worrying about being the adult and actually start to live her life the way she should have been for SO MANY years.

I think this will be hard for her to do because that's who she was raised to be - and I would never want to change that or take that away from her. Her life has made her the AMAZING young lady she is today and I could not feel more blessed to have her in my life.

In a way, I feel like K was brought into my life to provide me a second chance at appreciating life for what it really is - fragile and beautiful all at the same time. I love that little girl like she was my very own and I truly hope she feels that love from me everyday because I have 14 years of loving to make up for that someone did not provide to her.

It's Never Been Me

Growing up, I was raised primarily by my mother - a VERY intelligent and independent woman. And my mother, well she was raised by an equally intelligent and independent woman - my Grandma Margaret. Do you get where I am going with this? It's a generational thing and independence flows through every single ounce our bodies. So, isn't it fitting that I have a daughter who is the exact same way?

I was never the type of girl that got emotional about things or all girly. And still to this day I feel like I have a heart that is half made of steal and half made of a mix of - well, I have no idea what. A little bit if stubbornness? A little bit of pride? All great attributes in my book! Right?

I don't get emotional with goodbyes and hardly ever cry at movies. It's just who I am. It's who I was raised to be. I hardly ever saw my Mom cry; she says she cries at the drop of a dime. What I remember most is her keeping her shit together when everything around her seemed to be falling apart and I could never appreciate that or truly understand what that must have been like until I was older and had to go through the same thing.

I guess at times I feel this hardness or independence is more a curse than a blessing - because there are times that the people I love THE MOST are going through a tough time and I want to know what that truly feels like. The feeling of having a bad day because you miss someone so much that you physically hurt. And nothing anybody can say or do will make it better. And you won't feel better until you are with the one person that makes everything feel right.

I think my role now is to be supportive and listen and make sure that this person knows that I am there - more than you know. That this time I will be the strong one because he has spent his whole life being the strong one. And he is well overdue a break from being the one that holds his shit together when he doesn't want to or doesn't have the energy to. I'm there. It's your turn to just let it all out.

I love you and miss you. And there's a bag of chips waiting for you.

Support

So much has happened in my life and I guess I don't exactly no where to start. Great news, exciting news, overwhelming at times news! I'm getting married - to the most wonderful man a woman could ask for. Does that sound cliche? Yup. But, is it true? Yup.

We have received nothing but support from our friends and family - well, almost everybody. Do you ever have that one friend that doesn't support what you are doing, but you love them none-the-less? I do and will continue to have him in my life - until he decides I can't be in his anymore. That may happen sooner than I think and I am prepared for that. Not happy about it, but prepared for it.

It's funny, because he reminds me of all the reasons I never wanted to get married again. He's one of my best friends (who at times appeared to be more than that). We fought like we were dating and never actually dated. We argued and when we did, we did not do it in a healthy way. And that's never good. Every relationship I have been in has been like that - and the crazy thing about it is, I craved it. How sick is that? I thrived on the chaos and all that came with it.

And the end result? I won't do it anymore. I can't - mentally and physically. The end. So if it ends, I will let it go. But I will forever love him and the things he helped me get through. I am indebted to him forever because of the support he gave me when I needed it throughout my divorce and even after that.
______________________________

They say when you find that person you want to spend the rest of your life with you just know. How does one know? And is there more than one person out there for you? I think the answer to the question is yes - BUT there is a huge BUT. People come in and out of your life for a reason. I would never change the fact that I married Mark. He gave me a beautiful baby girl and some of the best times when things were on the uphill swing. He is truly a great person and good father to our daughter. That in my book is all that matters.

When I reconnected with Rob (my fiance!!) I never thought it would end like this - SO FAST! We have talked since late last year and finally got to see each other after months of talking in April. The instant he walked off that plane and through those doors I felt relaxed and safe with him. He looks at me like I am the only person in this world that he wants to look at. When we talk or have a "discussion" he is open and listens to my opinion. To him, it matters what I say and feel. I've never felt this kind of support before and the feeling is just incredible.

He accepts me in the mornings people and let me tell you - It's NOT pretty in the morning! I am a grouchy mess and do not like anyone (except Piper).

He makes me happy all the time and calms me when I need it most. He also leaves me alone when I need it most. The term is called "me time" and every woman on my side of the family needs it - it's genetic. I swear.

Although we won't get married for awhile, I still love knowing that he is the man I will wake up to and will love me with no make-up on, grouchy, saggy, if I put on weight...the list is endless. He completes me in a way I feel I can never return to him - but I look forward to trying for the rest of my life.

Random - Could be writers block?

When I first started this blog, I had no problem coming up with things to write about. This could be largely due to the fact that my life was drastically changing and my mind was flooded with too many thoughts at one time.

This past weekend I went to the lake with my wonderful, yet somewhat crazy family. It's a yearly thing that we do. And each year before I go, I self-medicate and mentally prepare myself for the adventure that is ahead of me. You may ask why? Well, with my family one of two things can happen. Things can go somewhat smoothly with a few bumps in the road, or things can end badly - think train wreck, ending with drunken yelling until 3am in the morning. We may be slightly white trash in that respect, but I would not trade ANY of them in. Well, maybe Matthew - but that's just because I like to torture him. He is my older brother after all. Isn't that what a sister is supposed to do?

This year went smoothly with only a few minor bumps. Minor bump #1: My step dad calling me anorexic 5 different times. This finally ended with "the look" from my mother. Funny how that look affects him, but has NO affect on me or Piper. I believe that's called payback, Mother. Ha ha, take that!

Minor bump #2: My 16-year-old nephew got a bacterial infection in his eye and the PAIN, oh the PAIN he endured because of it was in a word - PAINFUL! Can you sense the sarcasm people? I hope so. Now, I understand that it hurts, but come on. I give him this, he is a teenager and teenagers are like this. I was, in fact, like this I am sure. I am still not sure why I am alive to be typing this because of the royal pain in the ass I was. Maybe it was because every so often I would say something sweet or not stomp down the hall and slam my door every five minutes? Or maybe it was because my Mom knew one day the torture I ensued on her would come back to bite me on the ass (a.k.a. my beautiful, temperamental daughter Piper). Ya, Mom - YOU WIN! Can we call a truce now?

We ended the weekend go-carting and bumper boats, as an entire family. And the end result was a blast! I don't think I have laughed that hard in a very long time. Let me tell you about these bumper boats, because they are not like the ones when I was little. They have sprayers on the front of them and I am not kidding you, before I even got untied to float in the water, I was soaked! WTF, people? It was all out war in our family and we took no prisoners. Even my pleas of "I have a baby in my boat!" did not work. Thus, Piper was soaked too. It was the longest 5 minutes of my life, but probably one of the most fun times too. In fact, I think at one point my step dad and I looked at each other and said, "When the f$%# is this going to be over?!" as we are laughing hysterically and wiping the water from our eyes, face, hair...you name it, it was SOAKED!

Here's the thing with my family - although we may be vastly different in many ways, we still love each other dearly. No matter what, we have each others back and it's times like this where I am so proud to be a part of such a wonderful group of people.

And soon we will add five more wonderful people to the mix of all the insanity and madness. I hope their ready, because they will be greeted with open arms and a little bit of crazy mixed in. I can't wait!

What If?

What is it about me and the inevitable "What If?" dilemma. All my life, the relationships I have been in have, well for lack of a better term, totally sucked. I always chose the wrong men (boys). Always. It was like I had this stamp on my forehead that said "If you are needy or a jerk, I'm your gal!" WTH?

I wasn't raised like that. I had a wonderful father figure in my life (my step dad). He treated and still DOES treat my mother with the utmost respect and I could not love him anymore for that. She is the first thing he thinks about in the mornings - her grouchiness and all - and the last thing he thinks about at night. He treats her like she deserves to be treated and will til the day he dies.

My relationships have been the opposite - just an absolute emotional mess. I have been torn down - only to build myself up, to be torn down again. Now, this is not a pity party - it's lead me to be the person I am today and I happen to think that person really isn't half bad. And of course, I could be my own worst critic. Nah, not me!

The first "real" relationship I had where I was loved the way I deserved to be loved all along was a man named Steve. He was wonderful - kind, caring and loved me like I had never been loved before. At first it was wonderful and then after the newness wore off, I hated it. And I could not for the life of me figure out what I hated about it. He was WONDERFUL! My God, what more did I need?

I broke Steve's heart in a million pieces and left Michigan with him crying. And you know what my response to that was? Aw, he'll get over it. What a total witch I was. And by the time I figured out what the hell I did, it was too late. He had finally gotten over the hurt I caused him - forgave me - and moved on. And to this day, I am sad but SO glad he never took me back because I would have done it again.

I met Mark and thought he was the next Steve. He loved me almost immediately. He was a free spirit and just appeared to love life. I loved that about him and thought we were a lot alike. I was wrong, so wrong - but now I do consider him to be a good friend of mine. It took awhile, but we are there and I am happy we can be friends for the sake of our daughter.

Now, dare I say that I have met a man I consider to be even better than the man whose heart I shattered? Yes, I am going to say that, even though the thought of saying that scares the shit out of me (sorry, Mom for cussing). And what's the feeling I am feeling right now? One of panic - sheer panic. I am overwhelmed with the emotion again that I am not good enough to be loved like that. And if he continues to love me like that, I am going to self-destruct. It's me, that's what I do and I SUCK for doing that.

I want to be the woman that feels like she deserves this kinda love - that should have had this kinda love all along - not the crap I had that made me jaded in the first place. It's taking everything I am to stay in the moment and believe in this person who adores me and my daughter.

I think the scariest thing for me is that I don't feel like I am giving him the love he deserves in return - he would TOTALLY disagree with me. I can't cry when he leaves and I know I won't see him again for a month. I can't show any emotion but the strong Michele that says everything is going to be alright. I don't even feel like crying. It's awful and that's been me really pretty much my whole life.

I hate that and I want to start feeling like I deserve the love he is giving me. Because if I don't, I will never forgive myself for giving up on love again.

I Know A Man

In the beginning of my separation to Mark (August 15, 2008, but who counting...ME!) I met many people that came and went in my life. Some wanted to get to know me better...ahem...a lot better and some were just fun to be around for the time being. I was so happy, yet so freaking jaded when I moved out, all I wanted was to take care of my daughter and when I did not have her, go out so I did not have to be by myself for long periods of time.

The whole "going out and being single thing" sucked after about 2 months. I mean, when you see the same people you saw prior to you being married - 6 years ago - and they are still out doing the same damn thing, you know somethings have got to change. So, I slowed down and started enjoying the fact that I was by myself and I had time to actually think about what was most important to me - MY happiness and Piper and her happiness.

You will notice that I put MY happiness first and that may seem selfish to some people. But, I learned this, my happiness has a direct effect on her happiness. So when Momma was happy, Piper was happy. And if you've never met my daughter, there is NOTHING in this world better than a happy Piper. End of story.

During this hiatus, a friend of mine introduced me to Facebook. At first I thought the concept was wrong. I mean I spent the ladder part of my life trying to forget the people that made me miserable when I younger - why on earth would I want to become friends with them again? And then it happened - I became addicted to Facebook and reconnecting with the people who did make me happy back then and people that make me happy now. And I even met a few new friends along the way. It's a GENIUS invention - there I said it. I WAS WRONG. Sorry to the makers of Facebook.

And then I "friended" a man that would forever change the way I viewed friendship. A man that I, in no way, ever would have met if it had not been for Facebook and the fact that we had the same employer. To be honest, he was very easy on the eyes, but had he not worked for the company I work at, I would have "ignored" him.

From the get go we had a ton in common and he made me laugh out loud on a daily basis. He was everything I wasn't and that fact really intrigued me. I thought, "he's a blonde surfer lookin' dude - oh hell, why not!" Apparently all my life, I gravitated to brunettes and LOOK WHERE THAT GOT ME (minus the beautiful baby girl I had).

We became fast friends and I visited him in Dallas, watched him play soccer and just hung out. It was fun, it was perfect at the time and it grew to one of the best friendships I have ever had. Whenever I was down, he listened to me, said exactly what I needed to hear at the time and never judged me.

There is something in him that I see that he has never seen in himself. He has the biggest heart in the world and would do anything for any of his friends, no matter what the consequences. He's just that amazing. I feel like I owe him so much more than I am able to give and that breaks my heart. BUT, I know this - the person that gets the opportunity to get to know the man I have known for a year and a half now will not only have the best friend she's ever had in the world - she will also have the most loyal life partner a person could ask for.

She out there and she's just waiting for you to sweep her off her feet - or maybe even vice versa.

Thank you, Jarett for EVERYTHING you have done for me. You have been the better friend in this relationship and I hope one day I can repay you for making me the person I am today. Luv.