Dear Piper,

On May 27, 2005, at 11:55am, you came in to this world with a purpose - at least I think that's what all that crying was about. When you could understand what I was saying to you, I asked you if you remember being born. You said wholeheartedly, "Yes!" How smart are you, so very young! I thought, ok I will push a little further, I said "Oh really, what were your first words when you were born. You said, "Hi Momma, I love you." Dang kid, why do you know just what to say?

I was never the type of person that necessarily wanted kids. I was kinda indifferent on the whole subject, plus I was really impatient and selfish. That + kids = disaster! I then married your daddy who had two kids before you were born. I thought, I am raising two kids that aren't mine by birth, so why not try for one of my very own?

While I was pregnant, I was anxious to see you - but not so much I couldn't stand it. I was more irritated that you were slowing your Momma down and I could not do the things I normally did - like never sit down unless I am sleeping or eating.

Then the doctor (who by the way was easy on the eyes) placed you in my arms and I was DONE. You had my heart and soul from that moment on. You were crying and the minute your skin touched mine, you were silent. Like you were saying, "thank God I finally got to see you in person, it's really boring in that dark place. By the way, who is that bald guy standing next to you, surely he's not my Dad?" Yes, Pipes, he's your Dad and he loves you almost as much as I do.

The first several weeks of your life were ROUGH. You had colic and would cry from 9pm til 2am. It was brutal and exhausting and I truly did not know if I could make it through another day. It got so bad that your Mimi almost took you to the hospital, you were screaming so bad. That was the night I will never forget, the night I looked at you laying on the couch screaming and I said "Please Piper, stop crying - I am so flipping (I cussed there) tired of it!"

Mimi rescued me, and I cried all the way to the bedroom and crashed from pure frustration and exhaustion. But you know what? The next morning I woke up and loved you just the same if not more.

Everyone in my family, especially Mimi, was scared to death that I could not do this "Mom thing". And for a brief while, I was not sure I could either. But after you got out of the colic stage, I took to being a Mom like it was nobody's business. I loved it and love it more and more every day.

You are my daughter in almost every way. Besides the looks (you did not have a prayer in that area, sorry sister), you are the miniature version of me. You are shy around new people but curious at the same time. You are grouchy in the morning with everyone but me and I completely understand that. You hate when all the attention is placed on you, but people can't help but gravitate towards you. If you can't do something well the first time, you rarely try it again. You have a mind of your own and I often find myself apologizing to others for something that you have said that could be taken the wrong way. You are rarely affectionate unless you want something or are tired or hurt - but you have to sit right next to me when we are in the same room. You are a perfectionist and it bugs you when you color outside of the lines. You are a momma's girl through and through - even though you joke with me and say you are a daddy's girl.

You are wonderful and beautiful on the inside and out and I will never be able to tell you how much I love you and what you have done for my life in this short five years.

Recently your little world has been turned upside down with your Dad getting married and Rob and his kids moving to Oklahoma. I was petrified of how you would take all the change. I thought you would be jealous that you were having to share your time with Mom. Oh boy, little girl, I was totally wrong.

You have taken everything in stride and have blossomed into a young lady who shares and is always in a good mood. You are the best out of all the kids - including your Momma and Rob. And I don't just say that - I am completely 100% serious. You are a rock star, Piper Ryan!

I would like to say that your Dad and I have something to do with this - that we have raised you to be this person that everyone finds joy in being around, but truly I believe this is all your doing.

You are amazing in every sense of the word and I am honored to be the one that God chose to be your Mom. And yes, you call me Mom now - not Momma. I am still working through that. Thank you for blessing my life and making me smile and laugh EVERY SINGLE day. You are my life, my best friend and my favorite person in the whole wide world.

I love you.

Love~Momma

Home Improvements

On December 31, 2009, I purchased a fabulous home for me and Piper. It had been a long haul up til then. I lost a total of 5 houses - 6 if you count the one I tried to get a second time - because I was either outbid or someone offered cash for the house I was trying to buy. It was an exhausting and frustrating process and I had all but given up. I was actually close to just renting again for a year and starting the whole process over after I had time to regroup from the loss of SO MANY freaking houses.

I told my realtor this - who now happens to be a great friend of mine - and she understood. Then a week later she called and said she wanted me to look at just ONE MORE house and then she was done pestering me. I thought what the hell, I've got nothing to lose and if I had to stay another month with my step mom I was going to go insane. Picture someone that never shuts up, offers her opinion too much, complains that she is overweight while eating a bag of potato chips and then take that times ten. You have now met my step mom!

Side bar: I seriously hope I am never that type of stepmother, because if this happens I give my family full authority to commit my ass to the nearest institution AND you don't have to pick the hairs out of my chin when I get old (YOU ARE WELCOME, MOM!).

When I walked into this house, the heavens opened, trumpets started to play and God spoke personally to me and said these exact words, "Hey, you whiner, this is why you lost all the other houses, stop being grouchy and for Pete's sake this time make a full price offer!" I think he may have cussed too, but I can't be for certain because I was still lifting the bottom of my jaw off the NEW carpet in the living room.

This house was perfect, almost too perfect and really too big for me and Piper. It was 4 bed/2.5 baths and it was a foreclosure. I had to have this house and I was actually in the perfect position to play the "government owned" game because I lived with my parents at the time and could get in as soon as or as late as they needed me too. Remember what I just told you about my step mom? I preferred the sooner option. Just sayin'.

After many months of playing the foreclosure game, I got the house. My house. The first thing I did was paint Piper's room and fixed it up just the way she wanted it. Since then, I have been doing little things to it - mostly painting and decorating until recently.

Rob and I got this crazy idea to redo the kitchen. The dishwasher I had shot craps and ruined the wood floor, so I had to get a new dishwasher and flooring, so we thought why not remodel the kitchen the way we want it. And the way someone else would want it when it came time to sell the house for something bigger down the road.

Now I will be TOTALLY honest with you, I did not want to start another big project. My past experience with men and remodelling - ahem, ex-husband - was an awful experience. Whenever we would do a project and he told me how long it would take, you could take that amount of time times three and that's when the project would be done. Well, at least 90% done. I am not for sure we ever finished a project all the way through without something not quite being complete. In fact, a stove sat in the middle of our kitchen for close to a week before my step dad took pity upon me (because I was all but in tears and I don't cry people) and hooked it back up so I could cook again. Because a person needs a stove with a NINE MONTH OLD BABY!

Rob and I started with the back splash and it went well, but I was still a skeptic. I thought, he's just showing off, he's gonna lose steam soon and once again I will have a kitchen that is only half way down. Holy moses was I ever wrong. That man's a machine. And not just in getting the job done, he actually does it right, it doesn't take forever and the end result is a whole lot of FABULOUS!

Ladies, I'm keeping him. Don't even think about trying to steal him. Plus, he's "country" and wears mesh shorts and ripped t-shirts daily - it would annoy you too. Hi, Number 8!

As I type this, he is busting his butt to get the wood floor done in the dining room before he has to go to work at 4pm. This is yet another lesson I have learned - that people can surprise you on a daily basis and when someone truly cares, they go out of their way to show it. And never expect one thing in return.

I feel lucky once again to be given a second chance at love and this time I am playing for keeps.

34

Today (at 4:30pm) I will turn 34-years-old. 34, can you believe that? I am almost MID THIRTIES! All my life I have been a year younger than my friends. I was one of those kids that started school when they were 4 because of the way my birthday fell. I guess my mom thought I was wise enough to start early - or she was just sick of having me at home and wanted me gone. I am thinking the latter is the correct answer.

My teens were plagued with bad relationships and horrible insecurities. I never felt good enough or like I was bringing any joy to those around me, namely myself. I had very few true friends and at the time that really bothered me. I wanted to be the girl that had tons of friends - that people were drawn to because of my outgoing personality. And the funny thing about that statement is that I was captain of the cheer leading squad - so an outgoing personality was a must.

I guess in some ways I had that personality, but damn it was hard to be that way all day long - exhausting actually. I am really an introvert that acts like an extrovert. And to tell you the truth, I hate when people stare, look or attention is drawn to me. So, maybe it was good I had few friends!

College is really when I started to break out of my shell. I was a part of a sorority and had tons of friends - inside and outside of the sorority. I was free to date whomever I wanted and just had an overall blast - and, ahem...my grades may have shown that first semester. Sorry Mom!

But in my twenties, I still had insecurities - maybe more so than in my teens. I was surrounded by beautiful people from different states and parts of the world. It was hard to keep up with that. I wanted to be that natural beauty that did not have to work hard at being "a certain way".

It wasn't until I turned 28 that my transformation started. And I don't mean my looks either. I mean the internal side of me. I was married and getting ready to have Piper. Now, I did not like being pregnant and I was not one of those Mom who fantasized about this life growing inside me. I am just not mushy like that. Sorry folks. I was excited to have Piper, but I did not feel beautiful nor did I have that pregnancy "glow".

Then I had Piper. End of story. There was something about having her and the moment they placed her in my arms that I felt my life was complete. It was no longer about what I looked like on the outside, it was about being the best Mom I could be - no matter what. I took to being a Mom like a duck to water. It was amazing. My Mom still to this day wonders what happened to her selfish, insecure daughter!

It's that day that changed my life forever. The insecurities I had started to fade away and I actually started to feel beautiful. And I needed to feel that way because I had a daughter that needed to see her Mom feel good about herself and be an example to her as she grows up, because let's face it, there is NOTHING fun about being a female and growing up in today's society. We are at such a disadvantage from what TV and magazines tell us to look like. It's unfair and at times cruel.

I have not dreaded one birthday since I was 28. With each birthday that passes, I feel more blessed and at peace than the year prior. My thirties have, without a doubt, been the best years of my life. I don't worry about what people think of me or what I wear when I step out of the house. If people don't like it, they don't have to look. Actually, PLEASE DO NOT look. Thank you very much.

Now, I would be lying if I said I never have bad days where I feel "fat" or just plain unattractive. But here's the difference, I am smart enough to know that I am being ridiculous and that the day will pass and tomorrow when I wake up is a new day. And that no matter what, I am surrounded by people who love me with all their heart and see me as beautiful EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Thank you to my friends and especially my family, I love you more than I could ever say. And happy 34th birthday to me - BRING ON 35!

25 Things You May Not Know About Me

1. I consider Piper my best friend.
2. I have OCD with cleanliness - especially my house.
3. If someone moves a picture or object in my house, I will find it immediately and move it back to it's proper position.
4. I love working out.
5. I will never believe my body is where it needs to be physically.
6. I am considering writing a children's book on blended families.
7. I am not a morning person.
8. I would love to write greeting cards for Hallmark.
9. I have a fear of public speaking.
10. I am an introvert who outwardly portrays that I am an extrovert.
11. I am scared to death to get married again.
12. I can't stand people who are negative.
13. I am engaged to a man who treats me better than I have ever been treated and that makes me uncomfortable.
14. I am moody.
15. I dislike scary movies.
16. My favorite show is Biggest Loser.
17. I would love to become a yoga instructor - just for fun.
18. I want to own a Subway within the next 5 years.
19. I am addicted to Craigslist.
20. I take medication for anxiety and swear by it.
21. I have an annoying habit of telling people how little I paid for an outfit when they tell me they like it.
22. My family is the most important thing in the world to me.
23. I dislike talking on the phone - I would rather text.
24. I would love to have another baby, even though I say I don't want to.
25. I am determined to raise my daughter to know that she is beautiful on the inside and out and she will always be my most favorite person in the world.

Always Optimistic

I remember when I was a younger (probably early high school years) and I was always complaining about something hurting or just life in general. BECAUSE that's what you DO when you are a TEENAGER! One day my Mom bet me that I could not go a week without complaining about something. I thought, how dare you say something like that to me! I will take that bet and win hands down.

People, I think that was the hardest bet I ever took. The beginning of the week was torturous. When I wanted to say something negative, I had to mentally and pyhsically (hands over my mouth) stop myself from saying it. By the end of the week it got a little easier, but I still had to REALLY work on it. And on the LAST DAY of the bet, I lost - by a technicality, mother!

At the time, I thought it didn't not matter that I lost because I was not a negative person. But here's the funny thing about that. Even though I was not a negative or down person (so I thought), that was not how other people perceived me. It was not just what I said to be down or negative, it was my actions as well.

I've said this before, but when I moved out of Mark and my house in August 2008, I was a new person - a work in progress - but a new, improved person. And for a long time I struggled with what made me truly happy. I lost myself and that's not a fun road to be on. But here's what I found - nobody could make me happy but me. I could not draw my energy or happiness from others. I had to find it within myself.

That meant focusing on me and to tell you the truth, being a little bit (or a lot bit) selfish. When I finally let go and realized that, the results were amazing. Some of the most fun times I had was just sitting by myself and doing nothing. I had to "unlearn" all the negative traits I had carried from the previous years and "learn" to take life as it comes - one day at a time.

I have been truly happy for the past couple years, and I have not been down one time. Of course I have good days and bad days, everybody does. We are human. But here's the difference, when I have bad days, I ALWAYS remember that tomorrow is a new day and I have way too many good things in my life to let one bad thing get the best of me.

I'm a fighter and I have been a fighter all my life - it's just recently that I figured out what was actually worth fighting for and what was worth letting go. I refuse to let someone bring me down. I refuse to always be the strong one in a relationship and I refuse to "give myself away" (thanks Mom).

So if there are people in your life that suffer from depression or being down - as a true friend, the best thing you can do is be open and honest with them. Don't sugarcoat it for the sake of feelings. Sometimes it's hard to see what's wrong with yourself and why you feel the way you do. It takes an outside perspective to make you realize there's a problem, but with time and unconditional support there's always light at the end of a long dark tunnel.

I'm a True Believer

A little over twenty-five years ago I was playing in the side creek by our house in Agency, MO (population 432) when my Mom called me into the house. Now I knew I had not done anything wrong - this time - so I was not for sure why I was being called to come in so early.

She sat me down in a chair in the living room and told me that she and my Dad were getting a divorce. My first and obvious question was "Why?" She told me that she and my Dad just did not know how to fight fair and it was best they did not live together anymore. It's funny, because even at 8-years-old I knew what "not fighting fair" meant and as I look back on that day, I was no where near as devastated as most kids are when they hear that news. I guess in my mind I knew it was for the best, and I knew that as long as I was with my Mom, I felt safe no matter what.

Probably around the year mark of their divorce, my Mom started dating again. She went on several dates with men that just did not fit the bill. Can I tell you about the man that would throw pennies at me while we were watching volleyball games? I loathed that man. He thought he was funny and charming and all I wanted to do was take every penny ever created by man and jump them square on his head.

At the time my Mom was a banker and was doing very well at her job. She was being promoted and taking on new responsibilities - finally she was happy and confident and ready to take whatever life threw her way. And boy did life ever throw something her way. A man that initially made her cry after work and would test her knowledge at work on a daily basis. That man's name was Ken.

He had taken a job with my Mom's bank and was brought in to see if there were any processes that needed to be added, revamped or taken away all together - and my lucky Mom was one of the intelligent go to people. Little did she know the man that infuriated her would be the man she married one year later and now for almost twenty-five years.

I struggled having Ken in my life for longer than I care to admit. He was kind, soft spoken, a wonderful provider and the most patient man on the face of the earth. I disliked every single one of those qualities too, up until I was 15-years-old. I would only talk to him if I needed something - seriously, this is no exaggeration and he loved me through ALL of my bullshit.

There are so many things I could say about him, so many great things he has done for me and my Mom over the years. He has been the constant in my life when I felt like no one else has. He has treated me like his own daughter from the time he met me. He has never made me feel like less of a person and has always been the one I went to for sound advice and understanding. He is my hero and the love I have for him surpasses the love I have for any other man in my life. I could not imagine our lives without him and won't consider that an option until he is at least 99-years-old (maybe 98 if he tells me I am too skinny again).

Last week, Ken found out he has prostate cancer and he told us about it today. I was in no way prepared to hear that kind of news - people like him should be immune to things like cancer. God should look down on extraordinary people and say, "you see that man right there, the one that wears an invisible halo everyday, he should be exempt from any bad things that happens in this world."

And then I have a conversation with Ken today and I know why things like this happen to men like him. This happened to him because he has the courage, strength and faith to get through whatever life throws his way - including cancer. When I picked up the phone when he called (truth be told, I almost did not answer), he asked how I WAS DOING and wanted to apologize for the way I received the news that he had cancer (by email).

This is what I mean - he is always thinking of others before himself. He is always the strong one in our family and I just could not be more proud to call him my Dad.

He will beat this thing called cancer because he has to. We (me and my Mom) will give him no other option then to and believe me, we can be two of the meanest and most stubborn women you have ever met. Don't mess with us, buddy!

I love you all my heart, Dad. You bring normalcy and understanding in my life that I would otherwise take for granted. You are the best Dad that ANY girl could ever ask for. "Out of all the Dad's in the world, how did I get lucky enough to find the very best one."

The Letter K

Can you remember all the dumb things you did as a teenager? All the stuff that should have either landed you in jail or kept you grounded until Senior Graduation? Goodness, I remember, but the sad part is I got caught. Like that one time when the cops brought me home at age 15 because I had been drinking and was stupid enough to take the breathalyzer when everyone told me "Don't do it!!" I thought I could beat that damn machine - boy, was I ever wrong. End result: grounded for a month.

Or the time I snuck out of the house to see my boyfriend and got caught. Little do they know I did it A LOT and only got caught once. Take that, mother! BUT, end result: grounded for a LONG time.

It's things like that, that I love to think about. It's who I thought I was at the time. It was a way to show my independence, a way to rebel - that's what teenagers are supposed to do for Pete's sake. They drive their parents crazy until they go off to college. Then they slowly mature and become fast friends with the parents they thought were their enemies in the first place. I am so thankful that I was able to be a teenager and do the dumb things I did. I'm also glad I had parents who loved me regardless of what I did - loved me ALWAYS, but may not of always "liked" me (as my mother would say).

When I reconnected with Rob, I had the pleasure of meeting four of the best kids in the world. Kids that are respectful, well-mannered and have the biggest hearts. They owe all of those qualities to their father. He is the exact same way and I am so thankful for that everyday.

But there is one that has touched my heart the most. One who, in many ways, reminds me of myself and in the same breath reminds me nothing of myself when I was her age.

Kaylan is 14-years-old going on 24-years-old. She is wise beyond her years and one of the most beautiful people I have ever had the pleasure of getting to know. She is more mature than most adults I know. She is not your typical teenager by any standards - except her adorable looks, the cute way she dresses, her plethora of converse shoes and the cell phone that is constantly connected to her hand.

All her life she has had to play the role of an adult and to me, that's just not fair. But, honestly, she had no choice. That was the life she was born into whether she wanted to be or not. And you know what? She has taken that life and made it into something extraordinary. She is so intelligent, has a ton of friends, siblings that adore her and a father that considers his daughter his best friend. That, in my book, is quite an accomplishment for a 14-year-old.

It's people like K that make me step back and appreciate all my parents did for me growing up. I lead a life that was "easy" by so many standards. I did not have to work to live or work to get the clothes I wanted, they were given to me. I was so lucky (and selfish).

K's with me this week, after a really bad weekend with her Mom, and I am thrilled she is here. There are so many things I want to do with her this week - but I keep forgetting, soon they will all be here on a permanent basis and I will have plenty of time to do the things her own mother would not do with her.

What I want most out of my relationship with K is for her to know what it feels like to be loved by someone who wants nothing in return from her. Someone who understands she is a teenager and she is going to screw up and actually "do dumb teenager things" and I will still love her the exact same. I want her to stop worrying about being the adult and actually start to live her life the way she should have been for SO MANY years.

I think this will be hard for her to do because that's who she was raised to be - and I would never want to change that or take that away from her. Her life has made her the AMAZING young lady she is today and I could not feel more blessed to have her in my life.

In a way, I feel like K was brought into my life to provide me a second chance at appreciating life for what it really is - fragile and beautiful all at the same time. I love that little girl like she was my very own and I truly hope she feels that love from me everyday because I have 14 years of loving to make up for that someone did not provide to her.