Friday, May 30, 2008

Priorities I

Growing up I was raised to be a VERY independent woman - some times this was a detriment more than it was a great quality. With this independence came a lot of selfishness and stubbornness. I know, two great qualities - doesn't THAT make you want to be my friend. Please?

I was used to being on my own and living a carefree life. When I met my husband, of course that had to change. I was ready for that - or at least I thought I was. My husband has two children from a previous marriage. One boy, 11 and one girl, 9. They are good kids. When Mark and I were dating, they were never allowed to stay the night at my house (due to their mother), so the time I had with them was just for 4-8 hours at a time and then they would go on their merry way home. Me, being the dumb person I am at times, thought that was enough time to get used to the fact that they would be with us half the time - staying the night, no less.

The day we got home from our honeymoon, we went straight over to get Mark's kids for 5 days straight. Talk about the "honeymoon being over" - it was. Not only was I a new wife, I was a new mom. That is a TALL order for this independent/selfish girl. So what did I do? Took it in stride for a while - by that I mean went to the Dr and was prescribed 20mg of Lexapro a day to deal with my horrible anxiety. In many, many ways that is a MIRACLE drug.

Mark is a good father, he just does not know how to discipline his kids (and my daughter included). I guess in the beginning I thought that kids were supposed to be demanding to the point that it was maddening? Not the right assumption on my part.

Whenever the kids were over, he was with them. Now I know that you are supposed to play with your kids - but it was non-stop. It was important to me that the kids see us as a couple, were Dad and step mom can spend time together to bond and the kids could - God forbid - play by themselves. They each had their own room and new toys for Pete's sake.

Within the first month or two, I told Mark that I wanted a divorce. I guess you could say I was not coping well, even with the miracle meds. He convinced me each time I had a breakdown that he loved me and divorce was not an option. I believed him. As the months went on we either had good days or bad, there was never any in between for us. That is EXACTLY how it is to this day, by the way. Funny how things never change.

There was a stretch in there however where things were pretty good. I had excepted that fact that I was a wife and step mom. It actually did not feel that bad. And in my head (which you will learn is not right at times), I thought hey I am helping to raise Mark's kids and not getting a whole lot of love in return from them, why not have a baby of my own. Yes, that's what we will do, we will try and make a baby together. Now I LOVE MY DAUGHTER, but trying to have a baby at that time probably was one of the dumbest decisions. Looking back now, I just needed to be loved by someone unconditionally, because I just was not getting that from Mark. I NEEDED to feel loved by someone through the good times and bad.

Enter Piper...

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Tuesday, May 27, 2008


When I was a little girl I was deathly afraid of thunder storms. It didn't matter if it was a minor or major storm, they were all the same to me. Like clock work, I would go to my parents room and stand on my Mom's side of the bed just staring at her until she woke up. I would later learn this scared the crap out of her every time I did it. She would reassure me that everything was ok and I needed to go back in my own bed. I did not listen - still really don't listen.

The only thing that comforted me was sleeping beside her. She would scoot all the way over to the side of the bed (as not to let me sleep beside her), but God willing, I would lay myself on the edge of the bed. Mind you, this was all of 2-3 inches but I WAS DETERMINED! After about 5 minutes, she would roll over in defeat and we would both go back to sleep.

I am now raising my 3-year-old daughter, Piper who is equally if not more scared than I was. She used to sleep through everything. Now, like clock work, she wakes up at the mere thought of a "funder" storm. I can without a doubt tell you which thunder or lightning strike is going to scare the crap out her.

Two nights ago was one of those nights. Thunder = MOMMA! = Me going into her room = her saying "The funder scared me Momma, can I sleep in your bed?" That night I did not let her sleep in our bed, I got in hers. We laid face to face, so close I could smell her baby morning breath. Side note: Why does that smell not disgust a mother? It is the true sign of love!

As I laid there she looked at me like there was no place else she wanted to be. My hands were cupped close to my face and she took her hands and put them in between mine and not 30 seconds later she fell asleep.

Sometimes I feel so powerful being a mother and sometimes I wonder if I am really doing the best I can trying to raise her. I have never loved anybody else like I love her and in the next coming weeks or months, I am going to remember that. Remember that no matter what the future holds, I am still the mother of Piper.

I hope my worries never transfer over to her, and I hope that when her Dad and I separate, very shortly, she will still want to hold my hand and fall asleep like she did that night.