Monday, June 28, 2010

Random - Could be writers block?

When I first started this blog, I had no problem coming up with things to write about. This could be largely due to the fact that my life was drastically changing and my mind was flooded with too many thoughts at one time.

This past weekend I went to the lake with my wonderful, yet somewhat crazy family. It's a yearly thing that we do. And each year before I go, I self-medicate and mentally prepare myself for the adventure that is ahead of me. You may ask why? Well, with my family one of two things can happen. Things can go somewhat smoothly with a few bumps in the road, or things can end badly - think train wreck, ending with drunken yelling until 3am in the morning. We may be slightly white trash in that respect, but I would not trade ANY of them in. Well, maybe Matthew - but that's just because I like to torture him. He is my older brother after all. Isn't that what a sister is supposed to do?

This year went smoothly with only a few minor bumps. Minor bump #1: My step dad calling me anorexic 5 different times. This finally ended with "the look" from my mother. Funny how that look affects him, but has NO affect on me or Piper. I believe that's called payback, Mother. Ha ha, take that!

Minor bump #2: My 16-year-old nephew got a bacterial infection in his eye and the PAIN, oh the PAIN he endured because of it was in a word - PAINFUL! Can you sense the sarcasm people? I hope so. Now, I understand that it hurts, but come on. I give him this, he is a teenager and teenagers are like this. I was, in fact, like this I am sure. I am still not sure why I am alive to be typing this because of the royal pain in the ass I was. Maybe it was because every so often I would say something sweet or not stomp down the hall and slam my door every five minutes? Or maybe it was because my Mom knew one day the torture I ensued on her would come back to bite me on the ass (a.k.a. my beautiful, temperamental daughter Piper). Ya, Mom - YOU WIN! Can we call a truce now?

We ended the weekend go-carting and bumper boats, as an entire family. And the end result was a blast! I don't think I have laughed that hard in a very long time. Let me tell you about these bumper boats, because they are not like the ones when I was little. They have sprayers on the front of them and I am not kidding you, before I even got untied to float in the water, I was soaked! WTF, people? It was all out war in our family and we took no prisoners. Even my pleas of "I have a baby in my boat!" did not work. Thus, Piper was soaked too. It was the longest 5 minutes of my life, but probably one of the most fun times too. In fact, I think at one point my step dad and I looked at each other and said, "When the f$%# is this going to be over?!" as we are laughing hysterically and wiping the water from our eyes, face, name it, it was SOAKED!

Here's the thing with my family - although we may be vastly different in many ways, we still love each other dearly. No matter what, we have each others back and it's times like this where I am so proud to be a part of such a wonderful group of people.

And soon we will add five more wonderful people to the mix of all the insanity and madness. I hope their ready, because they will be greeted with open arms and a little bit of crazy mixed in. I can't wait!

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

What If?

What is it about me and the inevitable "What If?" dilemma. All my life, the relationships I have been in have, well for lack of a better term, totally sucked. I always chose the wrong men (boys). Always. It was like I had this stamp on my forehead that said "If you are needy or a jerk, I'm your gal!" WTH?

I wasn't raised like that. I had a wonderful father figure in my life (my step dad). He treated and still DOES treat my mother with the utmost respect and I could not love him anymore for that. She is the first thing he thinks about in the mornings - her grouchiness and all - and the last thing he thinks about at night. He treats her like she deserves to be treated and will til the day he dies.

My relationships have been the opposite - just an absolute emotional mess. I have been torn down - only to build myself up, to be torn down again. Now, this is not a pity party - it's lead me to be the person I am today and I happen to think that person really isn't half bad. And of course, I could be my own worst critic. Nah, not me!

The first "real" relationship I had where I was loved the way I deserved to be loved all along was a man named Steve. He was wonderful - kind, caring and loved me like I had never been loved before. At first it was wonderful and then after the newness wore off, I hated it. And I could not for the life of me figure out what I hated about it. He was WONDERFUL! My God, what more did I need?

I broke Steve's heart in a million pieces and left Michigan with him crying. And you know what my response to that was? Aw, he'll get over it. What a total witch I was. And by the time I figured out what the hell I did, it was too late. He had finally gotten over the hurt I caused him - forgave me - and moved on. And to this day, I am sad but SO glad he never took me back because I would have done it again.

I met Mark and thought he was the next Steve. He loved me almost immediately. He was a free spirit and just appeared to love life. I loved that about him and thought we were a lot alike. I was wrong, so wrong - but now I do consider him to be a good friend of mine. It took awhile, but we are there and I am happy we can be friends for the sake of our daughter.

Now, dare I say that I have met a man I consider to be even better than the man whose heart I shattered? Yes, I am going to say that, even though the thought of saying that scares the shit out of me (sorry, Mom for cussing). And what's the feeling I am feeling right now? One of panic - sheer panic. I am overwhelmed with the emotion again that I am not good enough to be loved like that. And if he continues to love me like that, I am going to self-destruct. It's me, that's what I do and I SUCK for doing that.

I want to be the woman that feels like she deserves this kinda love - that should have had this kinda love all along - not the crap I had that made me jaded in the first place. It's taking everything I am to stay in the moment and believe in this person who adores me and my daughter.

I think the scariest thing for me is that I don't feel like I am giving him the love he deserves in return - he would TOTALLY disagree with me. I can't cry when he leaves and I know I won't see him again for a month. I can't show any emotion but the strong Michele that says everything is going to be alright. I don't even feel like crying. It's awful and that's been me really pretty much my whole life.

I hate that and I want to start feeling like I deserve the love he is giving me. Because if I don't, I will never forgive myself for giving up on love again.