34

Today (at 4:30pm) I will turn 34-years-old. 34, can you believe that? I am almost MID THIRTIES! All my life I have been a year younger than my friends. I was one of those kids that started school when they were 4 because of the way my birthday fell. I guess my mom thought I was wise enough to start early - or she was just sick of having me at home and wanted me gone. I am thinking the latter is the correct answer.

My teens were plagued with bad relationships and horrible insecurities. I never felt good enough or like I was bringing any joy to those around me, namely myself. I had very few true friends and at the time that really bothered me. I wanted to be the girl that had tons of friends - that people were drawn to because of my outgoing personality. And the funny thing about that statement is that I was captain of the cheer leading squad - so an outgoing personality was a must.

I guess in some ways I had that personality, but damn it was hard to be that way all day long - exhausting actually. I am really an introvert that acts like an extrovert. And to tell you the truth, I hate when people stare, look or attention is drawn to me. So, maybe it was good I had few friends!

College is really when I started to break out of my shell. I was a part of a sorority and had tons of friends - inside and outside of the sorority. I was free to date whomever I wanted and just had an overall blast - and, ahem...my grades may have shown that first semester. Sorry Mom!

But in my twenties, I still had insecurities - maybe more so than in my teens. I was surrounded by beautiful people from different states and parts of the world. It was hard to keep up with that. I wanted to be that natural beauty that did not have to work hard at being "a certain way".

It wasn't until I turned 28 that my transformation started. And I don't mean my looks either. I mean the internal side of me. I was married and getting ready to have Piper. Now, I did not like being pregnant and I was not one of those Mom who fantasized about this life growing inside me. I am just not mushy like that. Sorry folks. I was excited to have Piper, but I did not feel beautiful nor did I have that pregnancy "glow".

Then I had Piper. End of story. There was something about having her and the moment they placed her in my arms that I felt my life was complete. It was no longer about what I looked like on the outside, it was about being the best Mom I could be - no matter what. I took to being a Mom like a duck to water. It was amazing. My Mom still to this day wonders what happened to her selfish, insecure daughter!

It's that day that changed my life forever. The insecurities I had started to fade away and I actually started to feel beautiful. And I needed to feel that way because I had a daughter that needed to see her Mom feel good about herself and be an example to her as she grows up, because let's face it, there is NOTHING fun about being a female and growing up in today's society. We are at such a disadvantage from what TV and magazines tell us to look like. It's unfair and at times cruel.

I have not dreaded one birthday since I was 28. With each birthday that passes, I feel more blessed and at peace than the year prior. My thirties have, without a doubt, been the best years of my life. I don't worry about what people think of me or what I wear when I step out of the house. If people don't like it, they don't have to look. Actually, PLEASE DO NOT look. Thank you very much.

Now, I would be lying if I said I never have bad days where I feel "fat" or just plain unattractive. But here's the difference, I am smart enough to know that I am being ridiculous and that the day will pass and tomorrow when I wake up is a new day. And that no matter what, I am surrounded by people who love me with all their heart and see me as beautiful EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Thank you to my friends and especially my family, I love you more than I could ever say. And happy 34th birthday to me - BRING ON 35!

25 Things You May Not Know About Me

1. I consider Piper my best friend.
2. I have OCD with cleanliness - especially my house.
3. If someone moves a picture or object in my house, I will find it immediately and move it back to it's proper position.
4. I love working out.
5. I will never believe my body is where it needs to be physically.
6. I am considering writing a children's book on blended families.
7. I am not a morning person.
8. I would love to write greeting cards for Hallmark.
9. I have a fear of public speaking.
10. I am an introvert who outwardly portrays that I am an extrovert.
11. I am scared to death to get married again.
12. I can't stand people who are negative.
13. I am engaged to a man who treats me better than I have ever been treated and that makes me uncomfortable.
14. I am moody.
15. I dislike scary movies.
16. My favorite show is Biggest Loser.
17. I would love to become a yoga instructor - just for fun.
18. I want to own a Subway within the next 5 years.
19. I am addicted to Craigslist.
20. I take medication for anxiety and swear by it.
21. I have an annoying habit of telling people how little I paid for an outfit when they tell me they like it.
22. My family is the most important thing in the world to me.
23. I dislike talking on the phone - I would rather text.
24. I would love to have another baby, even though I say I don't want to.
25. I am determined to raise my daughter to know that she is beautiful on the inside and out and she will always be my most favorite person in the world.

Always Optimistic

I remember when I was a younger (probably early high school years) and I was always complaining about something hurting or just life in general. BECAUSE that's what you DO when you are a TEENAGER! One day my Mom bet me that I could not go a week without complaining about something. I thought, how dare you say something like that to me! I will take that bet and win hands down.

People, I think that was the hardest bet I ever took. The beginning of the week was torturous. When I wanted to say something negative, I had to mentally and pyhsically (hands over my mouth) stop myself from saying it. By the end of the week it got a little easier, but I still had to REALLY work on it. And on the LAST DAY of the bet, I lost - by a technicality, mother!

At the time, I thought it didn't not matter that I lost because I was not a negative person. But here's the funny thing about that. Even though I was not a negative or down person (so I thought), that was not how other people perceived me. It was not just what I said to be down or negative, it was my actions as well.

I've said this before, but when I moved out of Mark and my house in August 2008, I was a new person - a work in progress - but a new, improved person. And for a long time I struggled with what made me truly happy. I lost myself and that's not a fun road to be on. But here's what I found - nobody could make me happy but me. I could not draw my energy or happiness from others. I had to find it within myself.

That meant focusing on me and to tell you the truth, being a little bit (or a lot bit) selfish. When I finally let go and realized that, the results were amazing. Some of the most fun times I had was just sitting by myself and doing nothing. I had to "unlearn" all the negative traits I had carried from the previous years and "learn" to take life as it comes - one day at a time.

I have been truly happy for the past couple years, and I have not been down one time. Of course I have good days and bad days, everybody does. We are human. But here's the difference, when I have bad days, I ALWAYS remember that tomorrow is a new day and I have way too many good things in my life to let one bad thing get the best of me.

I'm a fighter and I have been a fighter all my life - it's just recently that I figured out what was actually worth fighting for and what was worth letting go. I refuse to let someone bring me down. I refuse to always be the strong one in a relationship and I refuse to "give myself away" (thanks Mom).

So if there are people in your life that suffer from depression or being down - as a true friend, the best thing you can do is be open and honest with them. Don't sugarcoat it for the sake of feelings. Sometimes it's hard to see what's wrong with yourself and why you feel the way you do. It takes an outside perspective to make you realize there's a problem, but with time and unconditional support there's always light at the end of a long dark tunnel.