Monday, July 26, 2010

The Letter K

Can you remember all the dumb things you did as a teenager? All the stuff that should have either landed you in jail or kept you grounded until Senior Graduation? Goodness, I remember, but the sad part is I got caught. Like that one time when the cops brought me home at age 15 because I had been drinking and was stupid enough to take the breathalyzer when everyone told me "Don't do it!!" I thought I could beat that damn machine - boy, was I ever wrong. End result: grounded for a month.

Or the time I snuck out of the house to see my boyfriend and got caught. Little do they know I did it A LOT and only got caught once. Take that, mother! BUT, end result: grounded for a LONG time.

It's things like that, that I love to think about. It's who I thought I was at the time. It was a way to show my independence, a way to rebel - that's what teenagers are supposed to do for Pete's sake. They drive their parents crazy until they go off to college. Then they slowly mature and become fast friends with the parents they thought were their enemies in the first place. I am so thankful that I was able to be a teenager and do the dumb things I did. I'm also glad I had parents who loved me regardless of what I did - loved me ALWAYS, but may not of always "liked" me (as my mother would say).

When I reconnected with Rob, I had the pleasure of meeting four of the best kids in the world. Kids that are respectful, well-mannered and have the biggest hearts. They owe all of those qualities to their father. He is the exact same way and I am so thankful for that everyday.

But there is one that has touched my heart the most. One who, in many ways, reminds me of myself and in the same breath reminds me nothing of myself when I was her age.

Kaylan is 14-years-old going on 24-years-old. She is wise beyond her years and one of the most beautiful people I have ever had the pleasure of getting to know. She is more mature than most adults I know. She is not your typical teenager by any standards - except her adorable looks, the cute way she dresses, her plethora of converse shoes and the cell phone that is constantly connected to her hand.

All her life she has had to play the role of an adult and to me, that's just not fair. But, honestly, she had no choice. That was the life she was born into whether she wanted to be or not. And you know what? She has taken that life and made it into something extraordinary. She is so intelligent, has a ton of friends, siblings that adore her and a father that considers his daughter his best friend. That, in my book, is quite an accomplishment for a 14-year-old.

It's people like K that make me step back and appreciate all my parents did for me growing up. I lead a life that was "easy" by so many standards. I did not have to work to live or work to get the clothes I wanted, they were given to me. I was so lucky (and selfish).

K's with me this week, after a really bad weekend with her Mom, and I am thrilled she is here. There are so many things I want to do with her this week - but I keep forgetting, soon they will all be here on a permanent basis and I will have plenty of time to do the things her own mother would not do with her.

What I want most out of my relationship with K is for her to know what it feels like to be loved by someone who wants nothing in return from her. Someone who understands she is a teenager and she is going to screw up and actually "do dumb teenager things" and I will still love her the exact same. I want her to stop worrying about being the adult and actually start to live her life the way she should have been for SO MANY years.

I think this will be hard for her to do because that's who she was raised to be - and I would never want to change that or take that away from her. Her life has made her the AMAZING young lady she is today and I could not feel more blessed to have her in my life.

In a way, I feel like K was brought into my life to provide me a second chance at appreciating life for what it really is - fragile and beautiful all at the same time. I love that little girl like she was my very own and I truly hope she feels that love from me everyday because I have 14 years of loving to make up for that someone did not provide to her.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

It's Never Been Me

Growing up, I was raised primarily by my mother - a VERY intelligent and independent woman. And my mother, well she was raised by an equally intelligent and independent woman - my Grandma Margaret. Do you get where I am going with this? It's a generational thing and independence flows through every single ounce our bodies. So, isn't it fitting that I have a daughter who is the exact same way?

I was never the type of girl that got emotional about things or all girly. And still to this day I feel like I have a heart that is half made of steal and half made of a mix of - well, I have no idea what. A little bit if stubbornness? A little bit of pride? All great attributes in my book! Right?

I don't get emotional with goodbyes and hardly ever cry at movies. It's just who I am. It's who I was raised to be. I hardly ever saw my Mom cry; she says she cries at the drop of a dime. What I remember most is her keeping her shit together when everything around her seemed to be falling apart and I could never appreciate that or truly understand what that must have been like until I was older and had to go through the same thing.

I guess at times I feel this hardness or independence is more a curse than a blessing - because there are times that the people I love THE MOST are going through a tough time and I want to know what that truly feels like. The feeling of having a bad day because you miss someone so much that you physically hurt. And nothing anybody can say or do will make it better. And you won't feel better until you are with the one person that makes everything feel right.

I think my role now is to be supportive and listen and make sure that this person knows that I am there - more than you know. That this time I will be the strong one because he has spent his whole life being the strong one. And he is well overdue a break from being the one that holds his shit together when he doesn't want to or doesn't have the energy to. I'm there. It's your turn to just let it all out.

I love you and miss you. And there's a bag of chips waiting for you.

Monday, July 19, 2010


So much has happened in my life and I guess I don't exactly no where to start. Great news, exciting news, overwhelming at times news! I'm getting married - to the most wonderful man a woman could ask for. Does that sound cliche? Yup. But, is it true? Yup.

We have received nothing but support from our friends and family - well, almost everybody. Do you ever have that one friend that doesn't support what you are doing, but you love them none-the-less? I do and will continue to have him in my life - until he decides I can't be in his anymore. That may happen sooner than I think and I am prepared for that. Not happy about it, but prepared for it.

It's funny, because he reminds me of all the reasons I never wanted to get married again. He's one of my best friends (who at times appeared to be more than that). We fought like we were dating and never actually dated. We argued and when we did, we did not do it in a healthy way. And that's never good. Every relationship I have been in has been like that - and the crazy thing about it is, I craved it. How sick is that? I thrived on the chaos and all that came with it.

And the end result? I won't do it anymore. I can't - mentally and physically. The end. So if it ends, I will let it go. But I will forever love him and the things he helped me get through. I am indebted to him forever because of the support he gave me when I needed it throughout my divorce and even after that.

They say when you find that person you want to spend the rest of your life with you just know. How does one know? And is there more than one person out there for you? I think the answer to the question is yes - BUT there is a huge BUT. People come in and out of your life for a reason. I would never change the fact that I married Mark. He gave me a beautiful baby girl and some of the best times when things were on the uphill swing. He is truly a great person and good father to our daughter. That in my book is all that matters.

When I reconnected with Rob (my fiance!!) I never thought it would end like this - SO FAST! We have talked since late last year and finally got to see each other after months of talking in April. The instant he walked off that plane and through those doors I felt relaxed and safe with him. He looks at me like I am the only person in this world that he wants to look at. When we talk or have a "discussion" he is open and listens to my opinion. To him, it matters what I say and feel. I've never felt this kind of support before and the feeling is just incredible.

He accepts me in the mornings people and let me tell you - It's NOT pretty in the morning! I am a grouchy mess and do not like anyone (except Piper).

He makes me happy all the time and calms me when I need it most. He also leaves me alone when I need it most. The term is called "me time" and every woman on my side of the family needs it - it's genetic. I swear.

Although we won't get married for awhile, I still love knowing that he is the man I will wake up to and will love me with no make-up on, grouchy, saggy, if I put on weight...the list is endless. He completes me in a way I feel I can never return to him - but I look forward to trying for the rest of my life.