Thursday, September 18, 2008

Locked

So, I guess some of you have noticed that my blog has been locked. It's because Mark found out about it from people at work that somehow found it. Who goes hunting for blogs? Therefore, I locked it to read through my posts and you know, they really were not that bad. They were honest and true to what I was feeling when I wrote them. And I still agree with them to this day.

Everything I wrote, I have said to Mark in some version or another. And yes, there are two sides to every story - but this is my blog and my version is the correct one. Dang it!

So here's where more honesty comes in. When I open this blog back up, I know that he will be given the address to read through everything that has been said. And I am ok with that. Will he agree with what I have said, I am sure he won't. Will he not talk to me for a while, maybe - but I doubt it.

So I will say here what I have wanted to say to him for a while, what I have tried to say but unfortunately I write better than I talk.

Mark, I know that it may not seem like it at all, but I still care deeply for you - but I no longer understand you. When we met, you were this easy going, and most of all, CARING man. You would do anything for anybody (namely me) and I loved that about you. When you told me that you did not know if you loved me nor wanted to be married to me - I was shocked. I still am very much shocked. I'm angry with you and have been for a long time. I can't get over that emotion and I do not know why. It drives me crazy. I left because I believe that I deserve better from you and you will never be able to give that to me because you do not think you need to change. You are the only person throughout our friends and family who does not see that.

You haven't cried or showed any kind of emotion about this whole thing. It's like you are thinking "well there goes marriage two down the drain, oh well."

I think what makes me the most mad is that I know inside you are a very good and caring person. And I see it from time to time still. I also know that you are not happy with yourself and what you have become. It's like you are trying to prove to everybody how different you are by getting your tattoos, shaving your arms, head and watching your UFC (I could go on and on) when the fact is you were great the way you were 6 years ago.

The only thing I am certain of right now is we share a beautiful and very smart 3-year-old. And I will forever love you because of that. I refuse to let my anger get the best of me and I refuse to not parent the best way I know how because we are no longer together. I do not know what the future holds for either one of us, but I do know that I wish you the best in whatever you do because you deserve that in your life.

And now my mother is throwing something across the room or maybe at the computer to make this post go away.

4 comments:

Jax said...

:) I love you.

♥Joy♥ said...

I've never met you, and yet, I think you are the most beautiful person ever.

=D

Kelz World said...

im with Joy!! you said in those paragraphs what im sure many confused women in realitionships with they could and for that i applaud you and your strength!

Anonymous said...

No throwing, just reflecting on how I had so many of those same emotions 25 years ago and wishing I could do something to take away your pain. LYB