Tuesday, June 1, 2010

What If?

What is it about me and the inevitable "What If?" dilemma. All my life, the relationships I have been in have, well for lack of a better term, totally sucked. I always chose the wrong men (boys). Always. It was like I had this stamp on my forehead that said "If you are needy or a jerk, I'm your gal!" WTH?

I wasn't raised like that. I had a wonderful father figure in my life (my step dad). He treated and still DOES treat my mother with the utmost respect and I could not love him anymore for that. She is the first thing he thinks about in the mornings - her grouchiness and all - and the last thing he thinks about at night. He treats her like she deserves to be treated and will til the day he dies.

My relationships have been the opposite - just an absolute emotional mess. I have been torn down - only to build myself up, to be torn down again. Now, this is not a pity party - it's lead me to be the person I am today and I happen to think that person really isn't half bad. And of course, I could be my own worst critic. Nah, not me!

The first "real" relationship I had where I was loved the way I deserved to be loved all along was a man named Steve. He was wonderful - kind, caring and loved me like I had never been loved before. At first it was wonderful and then after the newness wore off, I hated it. And I could not for the life of me figure out what I hated about it. He was WONDERFUL! My God, what more did I need?

I broke Steve's heart in a million pieces and left Michigan with him crying. And you know what my response to that was? Aw, he'll get over it. What a total witch I was. And by the time I figured out what the hell I did, it was too late. He had finally gotten over the hurt I caused him - forgave me - and moved on. And to this day, I am sad but SO glad he never took me back because I would have done it again.

I met Mark and thought he was the next Steve. He loved me almost immediately. He was a free spirit and just appeared to love life. I loved that about him and thought we were a lot alike. I was wrong, so wrong - but now I do consider him to be a good friend of mine. It took awhile, but we are there and I am happy we can be friends for the sake of our daughter.

Now, dare I say that I have met a man I consider to be even better than the man whose heart I shattered? Yes, I am going to say that, even though the thought of saying that scares the shit out of me (sorry, Mom for cussing). And what's the feeling I am feeling right now? One of panic - sheer panic. I am overwhelmed with the emotion again that I am not good enough to be loved like that. And if he continues to love me like that, I am going to self-destruct. It's me, that's what I do and I SUCK for doing that.

I want to be the woman that feels like she deserves this kinda love - that should have had this kinda love all along - not the crap I had that made me jaded in the first place. It's taking everything I am to stay in the moment and believe in this person who adores me and my daughter.

I think the scariest thing for me is that I don't feel like I am giving him the love he deserves in return - he would TOTALLY disagree with me. I can't cry when he leaves and I know I won't see him again for a month. I can't show any emotion but the strong Michele that says everything is going to be alright. I don't even feel like crying. It's awful and that's been me really pretty much my whole life.

I hate that and I want to start feeling like I deserve the love he is giving me. Because if I don't, I will never forgive myself for giving up on love again.

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