Wednesday, July 21, 2010

It's Never Been Me

Growing up, I was raised primarily by my mother - a VERY intelligent and independent woman. And my mother, well she was raised by an equally intelligent and independent woman - my Grandma Margaret. Do you get where I am going with this? It's a generational thing and independence flows through every single ounce our bodies. So, isn't it fitting that I have a daughter who is the exact same way?

I was never the type of girl that got emotional about things or all girly. And still to this day I feel like I have a heart that is half made of steal and half made of a mix of - well, I have no idea what. A little bit if stubbornness? A little bit of pride? All great attributes in my book! Right?

I don't get emotional with goodbyes and hardly ever cry at movies. It's just who I am. It's who I was raised to be. I hardly ever saw my Mom cry; she says she cries at the drop of a dime. What I remember most is her keeping her shit together when everything around her seemed to be falling apart and I could never appreciate that or truly understand what that must have been like until I was older and had to go through the same thing.

I guess at times I feel this hardness or independence is more a curse than a blessing - because there are times that the people I love THE MOST are going through a tough time and I want to know what that truly feels like. The feeling of having a bad day because you miss someone so much that you physically hurt. And nothing anybody can say or do will make it better. And you won't feel better until you are with the one person that makes everything feel right.

I think my role now is to be supportive and listen and make sure that this person knows that I am there - more than you know. That this time I will be the strong one because he has spent his whole life being the strong one. And he is well overdue a break from being the one that holds his shit together when he doesn't want to or doesn't have the energy to. I'm there. It's your turn to just let it all out.

I love you and miss you. And there's a bag of chips waiting for you.

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