Monday, August 25, 2008

Week One Behind Me

I have officially surpassed Week One in the duplex as a newly separated, single Mom. And I gotta tell ya, it was a hell of a lot harder than I ever thought. Not the single Mom part at all. I felt like a single Mom a lot of the time anyway. It's the being alone part that I am not getting used to. I hate it. I hate the silence and the boredom. I'm just fine when Piper is with me, but I can't handle the being by myself. I go run, I tan, I go to my Dad's - but it's not enough. Without Piper there, it's like a LARGE part of me is missing.

If I had one wish, it would be that I get to wake up every morning knowing that cute 3-year-olds face is only two bedrooms away. I love seeing her in the morning. I love her curly hair that looks like it has been through a tornado. I love her grouchiness that only me and Mimi can understand. I love the fact that she says the same thing every morning when she gets up - "Good Morning Momma, can I watch a little TV now?" I just love her!

Has it made me question my decision? I would be lying if I said that it hasn't. It has. But you know what, I am smart enough to know being anywhere else than where I am right now is not right or healthy for me and Piper.

A lot of good things have happened since I've moved. I feel mentally and physically better. I've got to catch up on sleep, movies and shopping. And I have been able to focus much of my time to just enjoying my daughter. I'm going to try really hard to do things with Piper that I have not taken the opportunity to do. Like go to the Zoo. Do fun craft projects. Take her to Branson to see Mimi and Papa. Take her to the movies. The possibilities are endless.

In between those times, I promise to try really hard to enjoy my time by myself. I used to love it. LOVE IT. I am sure it will come eventually.

I feel slightly broken. On the drop of a dime I can cry for no reason. Really? Because I'm not a cryer. I am relying heavily on family and friends - and pushing a few people away in the mean time. There are certain people that I know I can lean on and will understand me when I cry or say off the wall things. Then there are people who I want to understand me but can't or aren't willing to spend the time to understand. Sad, really - because I think I'm worth trying to understand. I think I am worth a lot and have sold myself short for way too long.

I can't and won't do that anymore.


♥Joy♥ said...

I am so freaking proud of you! Do you know how many women STAY because of their children? Because they think that is the best and it ends up screwing everyone in the long run. You are such a strong woman!

While I do not know the pain of having to be away from your child (I have sole custody and have never had their biological father keep them at any point since our split), I can imagine the worry and fear that must encompass your heart knowing that when you wake up one morning, Piper isn't there...and the longing for her to just BE with you.

I have never had a day away from my children. I did not have the typical divorce most people have. I left my ex in July of 03 and am better for it ALL AROUND! He hasn't seen Livi since we left and he has never laid eyes on Natalie, which is a shame, but makes me feel much better and sleep easier at night.

You are so smart to know that it's not Mark you miss, it's the companionship, and you are so intelligent to know to fill that void with constructive things to do instead of with yet, another man.

Keep up the good work, Michelle! You will be so proud of yourself in the longrun and much healthier, too!

blaze said...

You're grieving. Even for a relationship you know that can't work. Grieving is part of the healing process. And this too will show Piper a great example of what to do when a relationship ends and how to care for yourself first before jumping into something else. Be strong momma! You'll get through this.

care said...

yes and yes. and in the meantime, maybe make time to do things YOU always wanted to do, too. take a photography or pottery class, read all the books by a certain author, have an ANTM marathon, learn to paint or sew, whatever floats your boat.

I, too, am divorced (although there were no children involved) and I promise, it comes with time. You've just got to think of something to keep you motivated and busy in the time being (I took a graduate class and started painting again).