I have officially surpassed Week One in the duplex as a newly separated, single Mom. And I gotta tell ya, it was a hell of a lot harder than I ever thought. Not the single Mom part at all. I felt like a single Mom a lot of the time anyway. It's the being alone part that I am not getting used to. I hate it. I hate the silence and the boredom. I'm just fine when Piper is with me, but I can't handle the being by myself. I go run, I tan, I go to my Dad's - but it's not enough. Without Piper there, it's like a LARGE part of me is missing.
If I had one wish, it would be that I get to wake up every morning knowing that cute 3-year-olds face is only two bedrooms away. I love seeing her in the morning. I love her curly hair that looks like it has been through a tornado. I love her grouchiness that only me and Mimi can understand. I love the fact that she says the same thing every morning when she gets up - "Good Morning Momma, can I watch a little TV now?" I just love her!
Has it made me question my decision? I would be lying if I said that it hasn't. It has. But you know what, I am smart enough to know being anywhere else than where I am right now is not right or healthy for me and Piper.
A lot of good things have happened since I've moved. I feel mentally and physically better. I've got to catch up on sleep, movies and shopping. And I have been able to focus much of my time to just enjoying my daughter. I'm going to try really hard to do things with Piper that I have not taken the opportunity to do. Like go to the Zoo. Do fun craft projects. Take her to Branson to see Mimi and Papa. Take her to the movies. The possibilities are endless.
In between those times, I promise to try really hard to enjoy my time by myself. I used to love it. LOVE IT. I am sure it will come eventually.
I feel slightly broken. On the drop of a dime I can cry for no reason. Really? Because I'm not a cryer. I am relying heavily on family and friends - and pushing a few people away in the mean time. There are certain people that I know I can lean on and will understand me when I cry or say off the wall things. Then there are people who I want to understand me but can't or aren't willing to spend the time to understand. Sad, really - because I think I'm worth trying to understand. I think I am worth a lot and have sold myself short for way too long.
I can't and won't do that anymore.