Friday, October 3, 2008


This Tuesday I met with an attorney to over the details of getting a divorce. I am blindly going into this and really scared to death. She talked to me about my options and asked what factors were there in the case that needed to be addressed. I thought for a minute - factors? Well, really there are no factors that should hinder this case. It should be pretty cut and dry, right? I told her Mark and I agree on most everything - except the fact that I want primary physical custody.

For those of you who do not know what that means, it just says her physical address lies with me. So, she goes to school in the same school district we live, not his. And really, that's it. Mark does not like this and I am not for sure why - but, oh well. It is one of the million things I no longer understand.

Her retainer is $2000 and she is the lowest I have found. And, really, I have talked to 4 attorneys so far. Plus, she is super nice and very relatable. I think if she was not my attorney, we would be friends.

So, now that this is going on, I am really sad. Not sad because of the divorce itself - because I know it is the best thing to do - but sad that I feel like the last 6 years of my life have been a big fat fake.

Within the last week and a half, I have heard some disturbing things about the person I spent 6 years of my life with. They both involve him sleeping with his co-workers. One person is on his team and another person is much younger than he is. Much younger. He is old enough to be her Dad. I gave him the benefit of the doubt with the first rumor, but the second one I am having trouble letting go. And, it's not because I care if he did, because you know what - he is going to sleep with other people and get in relationships in the future. It's the fact that I don't believe him and the fact that he puts himself in these situations in the first place. He helped her move out of her house. Then on top of that, he took her home after work because she did not have a ride. Does this raise a red flag to anybody else but me???

Mark has always been a friendly guy, but he has always not known when the friendliness should end. He says, "it's not in my nature to not be nice!" My response is this, why don't you save some of that friendliness for your wife and stop being such a cocky prick? I have told him many times he is going to get himself in trouble because of this and this is proof positive I was right.

I am mad - he says I am a roller-coaster and that I have been all my life. That to me is very hurtful, VERY hurtful. If being emotional about my marriage ending and me not being able to see my daughter every day makes me an emotional roller-coaster, than so be it - I AM! And if having the wool pulled out from under you and no longer knowing the person you laid in bed with for so long makes me emotional, again - I AM!

The attorney asked me if I wanted Mark to be served or if I wanted to give the papers to him. I said, "please let me give him the papers". I still want it to be this way. Even though I am very angry with him for everything, at the end of the day I can still lay my head on my pillow and know that I took the high road in all of this. I am not so sure he will ever be able to do that.

A lady I work with asked me if we were getting a divorce and I told her yes. She said to me, "Michele, the best thing that you can do is forgive him." She was not talking about forgiving him and getting back together, she was talking about forgiving him and moving on with my life. I am trying, it is one of the hardest things I've had to do. It's a daily battle that I feel sometimes I am losing.

1 comment:

care said...

the forgiveness takes time, trust me, I know. there were no children and no cheating, but it still took more than a year for me to think of my ex without seething with anger.

I know the path is tough, but you're already well on your way to making it. you can get through this, you've already done the hardest part!